Let's start with a metaphor, jump to "END OF METAPHOR" if you are not interested.

I could have used the USA and Mexicans, but it's kind of a controversial topic. "North African immigrants come to France. They don't give a good image of themselves, they eat strange food, they have weird interests, holidays and customs, wear ridiculous clothes... they're really awkward, why don't they take better care of themselves?".

Do North African immigrants take less care of themselves than French natives? No. They just have a different culture.

Now you hear the French saying: " we put effort into our lifestyle, interests, cuisine, and fashion. Of course these immigrants look so awkward and unattractive, where's their French wardrobe?! Why don't they watch soccer? Why can't they talk about wines?! Why don't they speak correct French?! I'm careful to speak correct, accent free French everyday! They fail at doing so... because they don't put enough effort! They're lazy! Some immigrants speak perfect French, why can't they all!".

Don't immigrants put effort into speaking perfect French? Yes. But to them, a 1% betterment requires 1000 hours of practice. The French instead, just need to maintain what they naturally already have.

Now replace North African immigrants with men, the French with women and France with the dating market.

END OF METAPHOR.

Men's unsuccessful dating lives often get blamed on their poor:

  • ability to take good pictures of themselves
  • dress fashionably
  • be of good company
  • etc etc

Women on the other hand, they ace all the required skills. "Men just need to put effort in their game, just like women do!".

Except... it's women who set the standard of what is good and what is bad. It's women's taste which defines:

  • which pictures are good and which are bad
  • which clothes are fashionable and which aren't
  • what defines "good company"
  • etc etc

Just like there is no greater or inferior culture among nations, there isn't greater or inferior culture between men and women.

Whoever (men) makes the effort to adapt to the other's (women) culture, relinquishing his, will look "inferior" compared to those born in it.

Women don't naturally put "more" effort into themselves than men do. We all put the same effort. But since we value different things, and what women value rules the dating market, then it looks like men are lazy. They aren't.

I've never heard a woman saying that she dresses, puts make up on, takes good pictures of herself... because she wants to attract men. They do it regardless, because it makes them feel good about themselves (they may make a +1% when a hot guy is around... and men also do, it's just that their 1% is close to 0 according to women). Given the sexual market value imbalance, women rule what is deemed as attractive and what isn't.

Women don't "put more effort" into dating. They simply have enough power to define what they already do as virtue. Of course men look worse, they're playing someone else's game, with someone else's rules, just like immigrants in a foreign nation.

"but but but men don't get matches and women do... this means women have something men don't!". This alternative explanation can be easily dismantled:

  • Men don't get liked because they're less attractive than women? No, because the same men get tons of matches too on gay dating apps. Men don't get liked because women don't like men, not because they are ugly.
  • women get tons of matches because they groom themselves better? No, it's because men like everyone. Men's likes don't give information on women's attractiveness.

TL;DR: men aren't awkward, unfashionable, take bad pictures of themselves: they value other things, they care about other things, which women don't care about. Since women rule the dating market, they identify those alien beings called "males" as awkward and unfashionable. They aren't. It's just a matter of culture, and women's culture rules.