We met when I was 17 and in high school and he was a grown 25 year old man. He was also already a convicted sex offender after being caught in a sting trying to be dirty with what he thought was a 14 year old girl. I had already had a trauma filled childhood and felt mature for my age and distrusted authority figures. I felt bad that he was “tricked” and just desperately wanted my first boyfriend. He was still in the process of breaking up with his fiancé and wasn’t able to decide between the two of us and was horrifically cruel. Yelling and screaming and hitting me (still a minor) when I complained how much it hurt that he was playing these games. 
A really sad part is that I was never even attracted to him. I didn’t even like his personality. All he ever did and still does is complain. When I finally “won” and his former fiancé was totally out of the picture he became even more controlling and demanding. I had to leave the nice retail job I actually enjoyed because it’s not a “real” job and I wasn’t allowed to work on weekends because that’s when he’s free and he can never be alone. 
At 19 I became pregnant and had an abortion. Not from him though. His “kink” was having me have sex with other men; often ones found off Craigslist. He enjoyed seeing men too. I have no idea how I managed to not catch an std. I’m extremely lucky. 
I kept catching him watching porn and remember being particularly disgusted seeing the search term “topless teens.” What did I do? I became a nude model. I thought I’d become what he loves looking at so much on the computer. I could make a little money and adhere to his rules about my schedule this way. I can’t even keep track of how many times I was sexually assaulted by photographers. His reaction every time was “tell me more! I bet you loved it.” Eventually he encouraged me to sugar as well. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t like to talk about it and why I acted so weird whenever he asked for details. Maybe because it killed my soul letting some dirty old man touch me. 
You may wonder why I stayed. My traumatic childhood meant I didn’t have much of a support system. The few family members I did talk to I wanted to portray only success and happiness and I was too embarrassed to break up. Not to mention scared. Throughout all of this he would beat me or yell at me or threaten to hurt my pets. 
A few years in and one of my young pets became significantly ill and would need a few operations. I had enough in savings to pay for it but he immediately began freaking out. He is the definition of frugal and stingy. He spends hours every night taking online surveys just to earn an extra dollar or two. My solution was to become a full on escort. Soul crushing work and definitely not empowering but at least he allowed me to use the money for my pet.
While doing all of this he would essentially be “cat fishing” me online. He has one specific hobby/interest. Let’s pretend it’s golf. He began a blog and social media all about golf and would use my photos and real name and pretend I am the writer. I don’t even like golf. He would then make me go along to golfing events where people would recognize me (as the blog really blew up) and I’d have to nod my head and pretend I know what they’re talking about. People would literally stop me in stores and on the streets to compliment me on my wonderful blog. So excruciatingly awkward.
As the years wore on I finally realized this was all wrong. Especially as I got closer to the age of 25 and thought I would never talk to a 14 year old - even people a couple of years younger feels wrong!  And wondering why on earth he chose to date me less than two years after his conviction. I started daydreaming about one day leaving but had trouble making solid plans to do so. He controlled my bank accounts and had all of my passwords. 
Then he was diagnosed with a severe immune disorder. His memory is getting worse and worse and he’s often unwell. It just makes me sad and feel bad for him despite all he’s done. 
The true turning point for me was last year at the start of all the quarantining and around the ten year mark of our relationship. He flipped out. He flew into a rage about things being closed and started hurling furniture around, screaming that I deserved to die because I can’t fix anything for him, and pounding his fists like an actual monkey; making crazy guttural animal noises too. The look of fear in my pets’ eyes made me hate him beyond anything. For the first time ever I called the police on him. And what happened? He took the phone from me and apologized and the police never showed up. I became severely depressed after this event and lost an unhealthy amount of weight because I was too stressed to eat. I could barely breathe around him I was in so much fear.
I knew I had to make my plans of escape come true. I finally revealed some of what was going on to an internet friend. This friend helped me secretly secure a beautiful place in a totally different state where I could bring all of my pets. But now I just can’t pull the trigger. I have been more bold ever since that event and have been making trips to the new place getting it all set up and ready under the guise of “modeling jobs”. Every time I stay it’s like an amazing vacation. I even already have two awesome considerate roommates who love animals and are becoming friends. But I don’t know how to break the trauma bond?? Every time I leave he must get nervous or suspicious and reminds me that I could never survive on my own and that I’m totally helpless which hurts the self esteem even more. It doesn’t help that we stay in contact literally all day long too. I’m in my safe location currently and he’s already demanding I hurry up with my jobs and return home. I need to go back there at least once more and bring my pets with me and my important documents. He only goes to work one day a week and is home the rest of the time. I know he’s no good for me and that just because he’s now sickly doesn’t excuse how he’s been this whole time.
Do you have any advice? I can’t just stop contact totally right now and get him upset and angered before retrieving my pets. But if I act like everything is normal and go there for a few days and finally escape when he’s at work I will probably become complacent again and seeing him will fill me with immense guilt and I’ll keep playing this game of back and forth for eternity.