Regrets?

MartyMcFly7 · 2021-05-03T17:31:16+00:00

She seems to be making an effort, which I think is all one can do. If you try again and it doesn't work, what have you lost? You were going to get divorced, anyway.

But you should definitely set some clear and reasonable boundaries before returning (e.g. if x happens again, then y). Because you're right. Things will eventually get comfortable again, and if you're not working on it, you could fall back into the same trap.

But do praise the changes that you notice. Changing behavior is difficult. Give her positive attention for trying and she'll keep trying. Ask for what you need, let her bitch and moan about not wanting to do that, and then recognize her for when she does it. In short, it's easier to change behaviors by praising the positives than by berating the negatives.

Statistically speaking, I've read that about 50% of divorced people question whether or not it was the right decision. There was also a study on people who ranked their marriage as "poor" who were followed up on 5 years later. Those who chose to stay together were generally happier than those who chose to divorce.

So generally speaking, it's better to stay married if you can work it out. But you both have to figure out what your needs are and help each other to meet them (assuming they're not unreasonable).

WartimeDad · 2021-05-03T17:45:55+00:00

I have no doubts I was in a super abusive situation and am now freed of it. I’m loving life now. The short version is this: She would not change. But she asked me to change and I tried and did change. Didn’t work out and she took vindictive path. So my situation is different, but I do want to throw my $0.02 in.

Here’s the deal. People CAN change. I know because I’ve changed myself. Not once but many times. You can’t change someone else. They have to do it themselves. BUT, if communication is good, and respect is there, a person can instigate a change in someone else. From what I am reading, you had to take some drastic measures to instigate a change in your spouse, but she is doing it. That means she has respect for you. That means she has the ability to change herself. That’s fairly promising.

A number of ways that it can go from here, but I want you to understand that if you choose to reconnect with her, then you’ll have to change too. This is true because your communication has to be better with her, and that takes two. Not that you’re doing anything wrong, but you both would need to move toward the ability to express needs and have the respect and honesty it takes to then internalize that and work on the self. You should also change in response to her change. Make sure she sees the benefits of her efforts in the fact that you’re more responsive or better able to communicate. Change is happening together. So she doesn’t feel so alone in all her hard work.

I think that if you are able to achieve that higher level of communication, then you can have a wonderful relationship going forward that’s better than it ever was.

On the flip side, you could absolutely end up falling right back into the same issues. She could absolutely just be changing for you, and not for herself. That won’t work. She needs to change herself in a deeply serious way that is one she chooses because she wants it for herself. Not only because you happened to be the person that planted the idea and threatened divorce (even if it is great that she respects you enough to hear you). There are no guarantees brother.

If you choose to not give it a try, after seeing her change, then you very well might have regrets. Many men go this route too and do have regrets. But regret is just an emotion and over time. It passes. That will be okay too.

It’s good to remember that you have a bright and beautiful future no matter what path you take. Remove the pressure and the sense of emergency from the situation. Do what you feel is right in that moment. You might dip your toe in and see if water is warmer.

Good luck to you.

paz- · 2021-05-03T17:51:14+00:00

Regret every day brother (but there is a child there too). Learn to accept the regret and try to live your life - at least thats what i do. If you have kids, always worth trying but as above you need boundaries and communication. My ex wife was emotionally abusive, she tried to change but it never really lasted. This is where the guardrails and honest conversations are key.

steezey2483 · 2021-05-03T17:53:07+00:00

Being on the other end of this type of situation, my bias will show but it absolutely takes both of you believing that change is possible and that you're better off together than apart.

I think my mistakes and flaws are not game enders but my wife currently disagrees and won't really listen to anyone who tries to tell her otherwise. There's nothing I can do about that and that sucks but my changes have to be about me first. She can be an influence but not the sole reason because otherwise it won't last and we'll end up right back here again.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2021-05-03T19:33:28+00:00

We separated then I went to maybe half a dozen therapists/doctors/priests/divorce groups, all looking for a solution or hope. I wanted to be sure the first guy, a famous therapist, was right. Nobody else gave me much hope either, just some observations about my wife having BPD characteristics and it was all downhill from there. Oh, she went to a famous psych and then to a therapist and manipulated the process before quitting.

My therapist said at best I could hope for small changes. I needed 95% change in her, because there were only a few minutes every day that were good.

I'm lonely, I miss the fantasy of her, but the reality was she was impossible and so was our situation.

SwamiSweatSocks · 2021-05-03T18:15:58+00:00

If you do get back together with her, maybe it should be on condition of ongoing counseling, maybe couple counseling as well. Odds aren't great things will work but for some they do.

Mountain_Switch_6759 · 2021-05-06T23:24:02+00:00

You know that she will only change if she wants to right? No forcing, pressuring or convincing is ever going to make lasting change. Also, her changes are only going to be slight, you have to have a reasonable expectation of failure on her part. You should think about this in your decision to stay or go.

Now that I am in the other side, I have no Regrets. Her infidelity, lies, and manipulations, I just couldn’t absorb them, take the blame for them any more. But I had regrets the first 2-3 months, yearning for the fantasy of the idealic marriage. And facing the loneliness...but I worked on myself. I did the hard work and confronted my issues, and got stronger and better. Now my focus is on what I chose it to be, and not what she dictates. I don’t know if my situation is similar to yours, but I hope it helps

Title	Regrets?
Author	Longjumping-One-340
Upvotes	5
Comments	10
Date	May 3, 2021 5:10 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/n41hos/regrets/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/regrets.817104 https://theredarchive.com/post/817104

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