First date ...and ok with it?

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-03-30T11:11:01+00:00

In the three years since I've divorced, this is the best advice I've come across about dating: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=81647

cartmancakes · 2021-03-30T18:55:58+00:00

So... this was my same attitude when I was separated and not divorced. I felt I was ready, life is great, lets go move on with my life. Right?

I ended up in two failed relationships, breaking the hearts of both women. I was NOT ready, and I refused to see it. I was deep in denial, but could never have said that.

I cannot speak for you as an individual. But from my personal experience, I believed I was ready. And now it's 3 years later, I've been divorced for 18 months, and I'm STILL not ready. But I am happy I see it now.

jkw118 · 2021-03-30T15:13:10+00:00

So one thing, is if you find yourself talking about the ex, stop. It's okay, if the lady asks about specific things, but do your best to keep it short and to the point.

This is a new relationship, not a bitching event about your ex. Some ladies will want to know what killed the last relationship, and you need to think about it. It's almost always some stuff from both you, and the ex. Which just about any new relationship the SO will want to know what happened. Did you go nuts, did she? LOL (my ex had some serious mental stuff) Did you both grow apart? were you on video games too much? were you expecting her to be your 1950's wife/house maid/slave? And reality is there's a lot that causes a relationship to go to crap.

In general limit discussions of the ex to just a few minutes, and concentrate on you and the new lady..

I didn't know if I was ready till maybe the 2nd or third date.. LOL

And you may be okay with dates, but bedroom could be something that takes a little bit. Either which way with every woman I meet, I keep it upfront I'm not rushing into anything and plan to date someone a year before I consider introducing them to the kids. (I have kids primarily with me so I need to take it super slow)

MartyMcFly7 · 2021-03-30T16:39:53+00:00

I moved on pretty quickly.

After being with someone else for 25 years, it was hard for me to shake the feeling that it was somehow "wrong."

While it didn't work out (lasted 9 months), it was nice to know that some women were still interested and it was great to spend time with someone who actually wanted to be with me (and vice versa). It was a bright spot during a very difficult time, and I actually think my divorce would've been a lot more difficult without it.

But there were a few downsides. For one, the new girl ended up being jealous of my ex (best not to discuss your ex or the divorce) and my ex was upset about me dating, which probably led her to be more vengeful. Like you, I was still living in the same house with my ex, and so the new girl didn't really care for "sending me home to my wife" after our dates (she said she felt like a mistress and thought maybe I was lying about the divorce, or at least still "playing house" with my wife).

Also, if you're still hurting over the divorce, going through a second breakup can be doubly painful. And don't put the new girl on a pedestal during your "honeymoon phase." It's natural to want to fill that void, and this new girl can become a life-preserver that you depend on more than you should. She's not your savior and is not as perfect as she might seem. Just realize that you may not be thinking straight and avoid any major life decisions (like cohabitating).

Would I do it again? Definitely! I had a ton of fun and, despite all the drama, it was a lot better than just moping around on the sidelines. They say you need to take some time, but I think you're going to learn a lot about yourself either way. Just be aware of the possible consequences.

toooldforthisnonsens · 2021-03-30T09:23:19+00:00

Good for you brother. Live your best life.

MNCPA · 2021-03-30T11:47:09+00:00

Only you know when it's time to start dating. It's okay if you jump in too late or early. It's a learning process.

Jonger1150 · 2021-03-30T11:35:50+00:00

I moved on soon and it was the best decision I ever made. Marriage is a more recent human invention, I don't think humans are made to sit around and wait for some arbitrary amount of time to pass before dating or finding someone new.

Married 15 years, I found someone new a few months post separation and I'm happy. My ex wasted years of my life, she doesn't get to waste more of it.

I'd probably move out first though.

Title	First date ...and ok with it?
Author	randoperson123456
Upvotes	21
Comments	12
Date	March 30, 2021 6:21 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/mg9jlu/first_date_and_ok_with_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/first-date-and-ok-with-it.817293 https://theredarchive.com/post/817293

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