Planning a future

oneknocka · 2019-12-11T15:05:15+00:00

Bro, you're just fine. You've learned what most of us already have, that marriage is not till death do us part. Its till one or both parties to the marriage are tired of it or have found something better. Right now the most important thing is securing the most parenting time with your child as possible. Get a lawyer, dont agree to anything less than 50/50 and dont move out of the marital home if you can help it. You'll dust yourself off and carry on. It wont be as good as before, it'll be better. If your wife wasn't into it anymore, there's nothing you could have done and would you really want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you? Forget that! You'll be able to use this time to find yourself again, reconnect with old friends and discover new things never possible while saddled with a loveless wife. Remember, securing your rights with your child is #1! Next is to get a secure financial footing. The rest will fall into place. I just initiated divorce from an abusive spouse (emotional and verbal). We have a 5 year old boy and I'm terrified. But it'll be alright. Im becoming myself again after 10 years of effectively being underground. Its exciting. And dont worry about another woman. Shit, that's how we got into these messes. Most people are divorced nowadays anyhow and if a person judged you for that, shes a rotten person and you should run fast. You got this. Hang tight, dont quit and focus on your child and being the best father you can be. If you contributed significantly to your child's care, then keep it up. If your wife has been the primary caregiver, step up and do more. These reddits are good for support. Also look into therapy. It helps... alot. Good luck fellow traveler

warrior_up · 2019-12-11T17:37:13+00:00

Nothing like divorce to make a man out of you....

We’re all here with ya brother, sad story - common ending these days. The hopelessness, feeling of being robbed, desperation and denial of how people can do this to their loved ones and families will torment you for a while. And that’s okay, it’ll take as much time for you to heal as it needs to, we’re all different - depends on the situation and the person.

I’m not gonna give you any of the typical advice (which is all valid) work out, hobby, therapy etc. what I want you to do is challenge yourself to change your mindset - the heart heals over time, it’s quieting your mind that’s the key to your emotionally recovery

Get a rubber band wear it around your wrist, every time you find yourself thinking about the what if’s, the hows, the whys, the ex wife and your family - grab that rubber band and snap it on your wrist. Sounds cheesy I know but the sooner you can re wire your brain to accept your current situation, let go of the hope and embrace your new journey in life the better. Essentially the less excuses and “why me” bullshit the sooner the Silver lining starts peaking its face into your life

Hope will ultimately end up destroying you. She ain’t the girl you’re romanticizing in your head, she 110% will or already has moved onto another (they’re just much better at hiding it then we are) , ACCEPT that and turn up your DGAF meter, let her go try and replaced the father of her children, you’ll always be the HERO- most importantly man is that there’s no going back, never , it’ll never happen and even if it does - it’ll never be the same.

You can’t change your situation right now, but you can snap that rubberband to help yourself remember that you’re a good man, good father and there’s nothing wrong with you, this too shall pass. And I promise you shit just starts coming together being a single dad, and also in your professional career. Just takes time Keep moving forward bro, honestly can’t tell you it gets better but the tough days grow less and less. If you can stop thinking about your family unit, and/or the ex-wife 5 mins less than the day before - consider that a win. You’re a single father now, she’s just creditor and a woman you share kids with. Snap that rubber band and get focused on you and something productive at work and finding unique ways to make more money, something fun and unique to do with your kids this weekend. Gets fun I promise

Don’t let this tragedy destroy you, you want revenge come out on top stronger, richer and in better shape — be the best GD Dad you’ve ever been. It’ll all come full circle. PM me if needed, I’m 36 yrs old three boys, lost my job my home and am starting over as well - you’re 32 so you’re already doing better than I was when I started

P.S. If you can’t tell, we’re all talking and reminding Ourselves in our responses as well

dday_throwaway3 · 2019-12-11T15:06:54+00:00

I divorced my wife in my late 40s, with two kids in elementary school. It's not the end of your life -- in fact, it's just the beginning of a new chapter. You're in the emotional rollercoaster phase of divorce, and it's disorienting as hell. But once you're off the ride, you'll look back and see it's for the best.

In terms of finding someone new, put that on the backburner. Divorce is a full time job and your daughter is counting on your focus to see you and her through it. When it comes to dating, I recommend waiting a year after divorce. Here's why: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=81647

You should also read this why moving out before divorce is final is a really bad idea: http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=81622

dogsrule2019 · 2019-12-11T16:59:48+00:00

About to go through the same thing. But I'm 50 with 3 kids ages 10-16. It can be debilitating at times but I'm starting to see how things will be on the other side, and it's a pleasant picture. Don't see myself dating anytime soon, and prob never getting married again. Want to focus on my kids as long as I have them around, and focus on improving myself.

One day at the time, brother--

Vindictus80 · 2019-12-11T19:34:35+00:00

There lots of people in your shoes. Dating people who have had divorces or kids is pretty common and in this day and it's becoming harder to avoid. Have you seen the divorce statistics? Pretty sad. So while you may encounter a few people who consider it a deal breaker they are just doing themselves a disservice by ruling out half the population.

And I'm sure someone has stated this already, but unfortunately if she's made up her mind there's not much you can do. Try to find some peace in knowing you put your best foot forward. Time will only tell so who knows?

wormee · 2019-12-11T18:20:56+00:00

Stay close to your daughter, don't move far or let your ex move far, legally you can stop her. Ten or twenty minutes away is ideal, less if you can. This is important, so your kid knows you're not far, my biggest mistake was letting my ex move my two kids to a different city. I let guilt control my decision process. This brings me to my second point. Don't let guilt control your decision process, take half, take more than half if you can, including custody. It's commando time. I know, you want your kid to have a nice place to live, and have money to buy things, but you're also going to need a nice place to live, and money to yourself, and your daughter things. You need this to be your best dad to her. Things will be tough for a while, keep your head down and don't feel sorry for yourself. It'll get better but it will take time, the most important thing here is to take care of yourself. Good luck bro.

Thaniii · 2019-12-11T15:13:08+00:00

You must break the mold and embrace being free of what sociaty says is happiness and proper life, but if you like being under the thumb of a woman then to each his own

CarGuyM1985 · 2019-12-12T01:35:56+00:00

One step at a time my friend, look at this as the next chapter of your life, this one might be titled “recovery” and it will change again when you are done grieving. Work on yourself, get out and meet new people. Plan for time to feel your emotions, cry, scream, whatever, but plan time for it, and start making small steps.

joyroy · 2019-12-12T03:15:52+00:00

Make this a humbling experience. You might be surprised by the man that you become.

34yr, Single dad since my daughter was 8 months.

I hope to see you reply to this post a year or two down the line. Your world will have adjusted and you'll be feeling into your second life.

Title	Planning a future
Author	throwaway532751
Upvotes	12
Comments	14
Date	December 11, 2019 2:51 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/e981ot/planning_a_future/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/planning-a-future.818937 https://theredarchive.com/post/818937

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