Help with trust issues

FleetingWish · 2014-06-28T22:46:48+00:00

Trust is not something that people can choose to give one another. It can take years to earn and only a second to lose. The only thing you can do is give him the repeated experience of the fact that you are not that person.

jade_cat · 2014-06-28T16:46:56+00:00

A few questions :

May I ask what is the age gap ?
When you say "go off to college", will you leave to a different city ?

Remember one thing. Actions speak louder than words. In French we have a saying : "Chat échaudé craint l'eau froide" (A cat who has been burnt by hot water is scared of cold water - if someone could give me the equivalent English idiom I'd be grateful). Basically he is scared, with good reason, and nothing you will tell him will change that. However, the way you act towards him during the next months/year will have an impact on his trust.

Action speaks louder that works, but communication is key. Always be honest with him, and make him feel that he can voice his concerns to you without being afraid of your reaction. If he can tell you what he is afraid of, or what makes him more worrisome in your behaviour/attitude, be it now or later, you will be able to readjust your actions in order to reinforce his trust in you.

Bakerofpie · 2014-06-28T17:20:16+00:00

What is the age difference? When you go off to college? Is this going to become a LDR?

eatplaycrush · 2014-06-28T20:02:07+00:00

What's your history? You don't have to for details, but a generalization of it will help at least. Does he know about this history? And are you sure it's actually history and not anything that could happen again?

Why did all of his spouses cheat? Yes, people cheat, but to have it happen that many times repeatedly tells me something is off. Either he does not have good frame whatsoever or he picked damaged women and thought he could change them, and you can but without a very strong frame that is impossible and honestly a lot of work. What did he not do? And what did every women not do?

Age differences don't seriously matter much if the man has a strong enough frame to hold a young females attention, especially one with a history. What is the age difference? The real reason he is worried is not because of the age difference, it's because all of the other women in his life have cheated and if you're going away then it's going to cause him to feel that way. I wouldn't suggest doing an LDR with a man who has a history like this either as he will need to be actively shown your respect, trust, and affections. You say this is his first relationship with someone younger so were all of his exes older? Or the same age?

How long have you known him? The relationship is 6 months old which is practically nothing, sorry.

greycloud24 · 2014-06-28T21:19:21+00:00

i am a guy so take my advice with a grain of salt, i cannot speak for the women on this sub.

"Now, I can't conceive ever leaving him and have told him so, and while he knows that I mean it now, he is worried that I might not mean it later. How can I help him?"

this guy has already been put through the ringer, you aren't going to convince him of something he isn't ready to believe. several women have already proven to him that they can lie to him and get him to believe it. by now he probably doesn't even trust himself, meaning that nothing you do can convince him to trust you, because he doesn't trust his own beliefs.

the only way you can overcome this is with time. and even then he might falsely believe that you are deceiving him. if you want to prove yourself, you will have to do it through actions not through words. you can stick around and stay faithful to him. you can not backlash against him when you discover he has been snooping in on you behind your back. you can try to make yourself comfortable with his distrust and not fight against him when he violates your privacy in order to alleviate his own fears. do this long enough and he will prove to himself that he is right about trusting you.

only after he proves to himself that he can trust himself at being right to trust you, can he trust you. its nothing against you, but you have picked a broken guy who sounds like he has to get over his own concerns. the silver lining is that once he trusts you, he will still distrust other women. so once you win his loyalty you will get to keep it. you will rest well knowing that he really does trust you more than other women, and that he really does value you over them.

the question you have to ask yourself. "am i willing to do this?"

if yes, than be strong and be patient, it will be a bumpy road ahead.

if no, than you are better off breaking up with him sooner than later.

swift-heart · 2014-06-28T17:30:22+00:00

i really think that considering his history of trust issues, trying an ldr doesn't seem reasonable. he will worry and get jealous about you meeting other men at college.

also the age gap sounds a bit too large, you are a teenager (unless you took time off after high school?) and he's a divorced man. you're not quite in the same place in life and have different levels of maturity, even if he married at a young age. this relationship has very little chance of surviving. sorry.

KatherineKelly · 2014-06-29T21:29:59+00:00

Love cannot be guaranteed because no one can guarantee what the future will bring. To know love fully you have to surrender to the moment by not fearing the future because of the past.

The more you promise you will never leave the more it feeds his fears because it is not about love but abandonment, loss and loneliness.

He will sense that you are promising something impossible to guarantee and his fears will increase because the problem is not with you but him.

These are the inner demons we all much address ourselves and when we try to control our inner demons by controlling others we make these fears more powerful.

The heart of the red Pill in my opinion is about the courage to live with uncertainty while living and loving fully and completely anyway.

Title	Help with trust issues
Author	californiachocatedro
Upvotes	1
Comments	18
Date	June 28, 2014 2:22 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/29bmf8/help_with_trust_issues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/help-with-trust-issues.84644 https://theredarchive.com/post/84644

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