Shifting Relationship Dynamic and Possibly Overly Sensitive (26F)?

TheTerrorSquad · 2015-01-26T12:00:05+00:00

I've been seeing a guy for two months now and we are exclusive, but not "boyfriend / girlfriend"

What does that mean or how does that work?

and it's like he sees me as being more masculine

What evidence do you have to prove he sees you as masculine? It sounds like hes having fun with you ( and you reciprocate) and then you do a classic female thing of thinking you need to reign in your behaviour as he might think x y z of you. IMO RPW is not about the "feminine vaneer" that so many like to think it is. This is a very superficial stance.

Is this something where I should continue behaving more femininely and without as much sarcasm / joking to see if he sees me differently, or should I bring it up as an actual conversation? Or maybe this is just how he interacts and I should just leave it alone if he doesn’t say he doesn’t like it?

Youre in danger of sucking all the fun out of this new relationship. Let him bring up anything he does or doesnt like. This is all coming from your over thinking and this idea that you need to look like the embodiment of femininity.

but he has touched my breasts (scandalous, I know) and I get the impression that he does it because he thinks he should v.s. it being something he wants to do.

Again, why do you assume this?

Today, he asked me "Are your breasts sensitive?" completely out of the blue, and I responded that I wasn't sure what he meant but that I thought they were and he responded by saying "Okay, it's just, in my experience, the women I've been with have had very sensitive breasts and it doesn't seem like you do." I was pretty upset by that comment and didn't really know what to say, so I just said "Okay, then maybe I don't?" I left shortly after that, but feel pretty hurt by what he said. I don't think he meant to hurt my feelings and maybe was gauging what I like and what I don’t, and maybe I shouldn't be upset by it - it made me feel like he was comparing me to other people or like he was disappointed. Again, is this something I should talk to him about and let him know it hurt my feelings or am I being too sensitive and I should just let it go or some middle ground

No idea why you were upset by him asking you this question. Looks like he was trying to open up a convo about your (minimal) sex life and you seem to take offence. I dont think he was saying that this made you better or worse he was trying to understand something. I think this probably stems from your lack of experience but (cant be a 100% sure ) but I really dont think he was meaning anything bad at all

We have talked once before about relationships and the way he described it was very logical and rational and didn’t seem very loving – I felt a little taken aback by it and we had a little disagreement. Afterwards, he apologized , I apologized and I told him I was coming from a place where I felt sad by what he said and that it made it harder for me to open up and he responded by pointing out that if I wasn’t able to communicate with him when my feeling were hurt, how would he feel safe in the future to be truthful with me. I agreed with him on his point and said it was something I was aware of and trying to be better at. So if I bring up my “hurt feelings” again now, is it going to make him stop sharing things with me in the future (obviously, you guys don’t know the answer to this, but this is more of a rhetorical question)?

OK he didnt do anything wrong here at all in fact he handled it very well. His choice of language isnt "loving enough" for you but you should know that maybe you just dont pick up on his expression of love. Hes quite right if you get upset over his honesty he will not want to share. I guess a response would be to say something like " thank you for being patient with me, this is all so new im finding my feet, Im sorry".

Rlationships can be complicated but they can also be amazing and one of the best ways to make it so is to understand that this is half his relationship as well. He has just as much of a need to be understood and heard.

As an after thought you should both try the 5 languages of love.

FleetingWish · 2015-01-26T18:03:26+00:00

It seems to me that you have a lot of trouble communicating with one another, like you are speaking in different languages. One of you says something and the other hears something different.

I like bantering with him for sure, I would just like to be seen and treated more like a "girl" if that makes sense.

He's saying, "I want to joke around with you" and you're hearing "I'm treating you like one of my guy friends, I don't see you as more than that."

Today, he asked me "Are your breasts sensitive?" completely out of the blue, and I responded that I wasn't sure what he meant but that I thought they were and he responded by saying "Okay, it's just, in my experience, the women I've been with have had very sensitive breasts and it doesn't seem like you do." I was pretty upset by that comment and didn't really know what to say, so I just said "Okay, then maybe I don't?"

He's saying "I want to understand what you like" and you're hearing "I think your weird because you're not like other girls I've dated".

I felt sad by what he said and that it made it harder for me to open up and he responded by pointing out that if I wasn’t able to communicate with him when my feeling were hurt, how would he feel safe in the future to be truthful with me.

You're saying "I want to know that you're emotionally invested in me" and he's hearing "I feel uncomfortable when you are fully honest with me".

It's a little disturbing that you are having these kinds of problems. This is sort of a yellow warning flag. It means that you don't speak the same language. It seems to me like your language is the language of emotion, and his is the language of logic. If you really want this relationship to work, you has to learn to speak the other's language.

That means spending a lot of time talking to one another. This doesn't just take willingness, it takes a certain level of intelligence and the ability to self-analyze. It takes the ability to try to break down what you said into what you meant.

This means the willingness and patience to listen when you hear something you don't immediately like, because there may be an explanation for it you don't understand yet.

You have to take lots of time talking to one another, decoding for one another, until you are better in each other's languages. Once that happens, things will become less tense and you'll have to do it less often, but really this is a life long process, because you never become totally fluent in someone else's language. It will lead to lots of misunderstandings, but as long as you're patient with one another, you can do it.

I call it a "yellow flag" because this is not impossible to overcome, but it will take a lot of work. It's up to you if it's worth it to try.

liphyx · 2015-01-29T14:19:39+00:00

I also used to think I was too sensitive, and was ashamed for being embarrassed by modern vulgarities. Now I just see it as my natural sense of modesty speaking up. I would have been discomforted by the comment as well...comparing your breast sensitivity to other women's...

I am more comfortable taking an indirect route, which I'll take a guess that you are also more comfortable with. If you don't feel feminine when bantering, just stop bantering back and instead let yourself be teased by him. Forget the incident with the question, but next time try and dodge/defuse (without blaming) whatever topics upsets your sensibilities. If it is natural, you can leave/end the phone call, but be subtle and not obvious.

wantonton · 2015-01-27T04:06:34+00:00

Ah, two people who don't know how to be sexual. Gotta love it.

It's been years and years, so I don't want to look up the link, but I recall reading an article written by a scientist studying ants. For some reason or another, he discovered that ants communicate with each other through chemicals on their body and excreted from their bodies. If you isolate an ant from these chemicals and other ants for a long enough period of time (and it wasn't really all that long) you'll notice the ant getting progressively slower. Finally, it will just stop. An examination of the ant will show that there is nothing wrong with it, it is perfectly healthy, it just won't move, it should be able to, it just has no reason to but, it just doesn't know what to do. (He believed that this was the secret to how a hive coordinates.) Non-ant stimulation get's minor reaction then a return to stillness. The ant will just stop, UNTIL, another ant comes along and touches it, then poof, that ant is fully back to life and knows exactly what to do.

This sounds like you and your boy toy. You do not know how to be seductive he does not know how to be charming. You do not know how to "communicate" to him that you are a woman and you are wanting things he doesn't do with his friends (doing those things with him isn't the same thing). He has no idea how to communicate to a woman that he's got one thing on him mind.

You both would have likely benefited from having a more experienced partner walk you through the steps. I guarantee the right man would have had your instincts in a whirl and it would have taken you no time to figure out what to do. As is, you have both missed the collective "messages" of society. You are both unstimulated and unstimulating. And now, you aren't properly stimulating each other. That poses a real problem. You don't actually know how he feels about you. If you were bringing your A game you'd know either 1) he wanted you, or 2) that he did but was too pussy to do anything or that he didn't want you (treat both of those outcomes the same).

I suggest you learn how to be coquettish and suggestive. You correct him towards the actions you want through playful demeanor, such as acting aghast, playfully smacking, faux pouting. To be clear, do not be bitchy, especially in the beginning. Make it very clear that you aren't upset and he should continue, but that there is such a danger in his actions in that such a delicate flower like you might get too emotional and have to be plucked.

Good luck.

JLesh13 · 2015-01-27T23:35:00+00:00

This guy sounds like a pig.

First of all, asking blatantly sexual questions that are creepy like "Are your breasts sensitive?" is gross. Secondly, comparing you to past girls, in a sexual way, is rude. Additionally, "bantering" will make you lose a lot, don't engage it because IME it escalates and they end up treating you like a kid sister to tease.

You're "exclusive" but not his girlfriend? No. No, no, no. That is not how things work.

You deserve better. Get rid of this emotionally stunted loser.

marriedalpha · 2015-01-26T08:21:47+00:00

Ah, this is what it feels like to be a man. He's "shit testing" as they say in RP parlance you to test if you are crazy / emo.

In regards to Q1. Act like a girl, how dare you! Then maybe play slap him or wrestle with him leading to some making out. Don't get offended or emotional in a NEGATIVE way, show's your an EMO and high maintenance.

In regards to Q2. Answer : Questions about your breasts or vagina? A simple : Nope... Leave him wondering beyond that, don't let your hamster take over. He's basically shit testing you to see if you get all emotional. Even if you want to, don't.

In regards to Q3. Guess what? Men ARE logical and rational. Yes, if you have emotional outbursts, its a land mine. Men tend to avoid walking on a land mine twice. Also understand what he says and what he does ( much like a woman ) will be two entirely different things. Don't let something he says rattle you. Keep your shit together and it will improve your chances with him.

[deleted] · 2015-01-30T05:29:38+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Shifting Relationship Dynamic and Possibly Overly Sensitive (26F)?
Author	AGirlsJourney
Upvotes	7
Comments	25
Date	January 26, 2015 5:56 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2tp2xy/shifting_relationship_dynamic_and_possibly_overly/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/shifting-relationship-dynamic-and-possibly-overly.85168 https://theredarchive.com/post/85168

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