SO "doesn't think about the future"...

DreamBoatGuy25 · 2015-04-07T16:53:59+00:00

Are you living together? Guys don't really need marriage to feel like they are committed to a woman. If you're living like husband and wife then that may be how he feels, heck even if you're not living together he may be committed to you. Although these days 1.5 years isn't really that long. As marriage has become more of a raw deal for men, women are having to put in more and more time before a man will decide to commit.

One thing I can tell you, as a guy, few things would make me downgrade a girl to fwb/plate status quicker then if I ever got the inkling that she would break up if I didn't want to get married at that point. Because that would say to me that the act of getting married was more important to her than who she was getting married to. In other words any one of a number of guys could fill that spot for her, the real important thing to her was that he put a ring on her finger. And someone with that kind of calculating fickleness is not the kind of woman I would ever commit to.

A guy doesn't want to commit to a woman who sees him in her future, he wants to commit to a woman who sees ONLY him in her future.

jules991 · 2015-04-07T15:07:23+00:00

Men don't realize that while they can do whatever they please for the next decade or so, we are on more of a time limit. They don't think about it because it's not necessary for them - try not to be too hurt about it because he doesn't necessarily mean it like that.

You need to spell it out for him flat. Say that while you get that time isn't an issue for him, it is for you, and you need to know if the relationship has any long term future... Otherwise, you will have to get going, because you don't want to waste your 'prime years' on a relationship that's going nowhere.

Ladd_MaccAodh · 2015-04-12T21:31:41+00:00

I can't speak for all guys, but when I say "I don't think about the future," or "I've never really thought about it," most of the time I mean exactly that. If life is good as is, then I don't want to think about overhauling everything - I want to focus on one thing at a time (education, career, whatever). Major game-changers are not on my mind. This is true for him, too - the fact that he isn't thinking about it means that he is happy right where he is. You're doing a good job.

So keep that in mind when you try to talk to him about getting married. From your viewpoint, you're seeking security; in his, you're upsetting his stable world. That's true even if he hopes to get married someday.

You can and should still talk to him. You have to know where things are going, right? Or at least get him to think about it? Good. Do that. Just remember that his viewpoint is not yours.

I'd say your best bet is to have a talk about it. Be brief, be clear, get to the point, let him respond, and then leave it alone. Don't trap him in a two-hour conversation that escalates to an argument, don't hit him with a million concerns at once. Voice your concerns and your needs, let him respond, thank him, and let it be for a while. In the meantime, you need to show him through your actions that getting married and having kids is an attractive option. That's standard RPW girl game; ask around here for that stuff (don't endorse divorce, don't turn into a harpy, don't turn sex into a weapon, do build up his confidence, do stay on his team, etc.).

Finally, you'll be tempted to focus on the much smaller possibility that the guy is using code-talk to say "I've thought about it, and don't want to share my thoughts with you because you're a plate." If you're worried that this is what he's saying, then you have bigger problems than marriage in a few years. Trust him. Or don't, it's up to you.

meri-dian · 2015-04-07T23:59:04+00:00

He said that he doesn't really think about the future, and you said:

I'm just hurt because I think about it all the time, and I hoped that it would have at least crossed his mind.

This isn't something to take personally. Him not thinking about the future has nothing to do with you personally. He did not state "I never think about the future WITH YOU". He is just making a general statement.

Don't be hurt by comments that aren't specific. If we start assuming something about an innocent statement, and then take it personally, we are only MAKING a problem.

As for what to do in order to pin him down, well, I don't think pinning him down is necessarily the way to go. I think it's best if you have regular dialogues about subjects like this... Do you (as a couple) ever talk about where you would like to live? If you want children? What type of home you'd like to buy? Do you already have some sort of financial agreement to pay bills? Do you talk about saving money together towards material items, or even a house? Do you make your career plans to line up with one another? Or do you want to be a SAHW/SAHM and have you talked about that? There are so many conversations that many couples have on a regular basis. Even the "One day I'd like to....", which leads into "What do you think? would you want to do that?" so that you are planning things together.

Edit to add: As soon as you begin saying "Where is this leading?" or "Don't you want us to get married?", it becomes an offensive/defensive discussion, instead of a discussion where you are working together to build something.

melaisilme · 2015-04-07T20:16:32+00:00

An important thing to remember is that you're still young, and you're in your prime. You don't want to waste your best and most attractive years on a man who isn't going to commit long term. If he honestly does not see a future and hasn't even been thinking about it, it may be time to break it off and look for someone who is looking for what you are. Of course this is easier said than done, but doing it sooner rather than later is good because the longer you wait, the fewer options you will have dating wise.

BowlOfCandy · 2015-04-08T21:49:30+00:00

I've told my SO (6 months together so far, very brief) that I have no interest in marriage or kids, with her or with anyone, for at least another 10 years. I also told her that if she feels like she is wasting her time with me then she should consider leaving, I'm not in any rush. Forget about it, not going to happen, take it or leave it. She seems ok with it.

I'm 27 and I am alpha (looks/money/RP personality), she's 33 ex-model and works in the beauty business. I got a feeling that she's either not entirely honest with herself, or I've presented a challenge and she is up to try to change my mind. Maybe she's actually ok with it. Or maybe her professional history has jaded her and she will never be able to settle down (I definitely know that I'm not going to marry HER, models are so fucked in the head). Either way, blunt honesty has been a much better route than being evasive and indifferent as I have in the past.

You can get an honest answer out of him, it's your choice to make it an ultimatum.

TheTerrorSquad · 2015-04-07T15:27:20+00:00

What I wouldn't do is be a complete buzzkill and insist on having " a talk" You will become something he dreads if you keep pinning him down.
Can you not trust how he feels right now?

Title	SO "doesn't think about the future"...
Author	kuriosity_kat
Upvotes	11
Comments	29
Date	April 7, 2015 2:19 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/31r0qc/so_doesnt_think_about_the_future/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/so-doesnt-think-about-the-future.85298 https://theredarchive.com/post/85298

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