New to RPW - seeking opinions on a struggling LTR

VigilantRedRooster · 2016-07-03T06:32:03+00:00

Welcome to RedPillWomen, we're glad you found your way here where you belong. AskTRP is for the guys.

Here's the original post from AskTRP for reference.

Dear Redpill, I am in a relationship with someone I hold in high regard (highly-accomplished, alpha-male (to me), has interests I admire, fantastic personal habits, super-organized, keeps physically fit, has a great set of social circles, loves travel, thinks deeply, is original in his ways of thought, voracious reader).

The relationship, however, has been shaky for quite a while. No matter how hard I try, something that I say or do pisses him off, and then I am penalized heavily usually in the form of yelling from him, verbal abuse on occasion, him withholding affection, blocking me (over several modes of communication) or controlling how and when we interact.

I am hesitant to speak my mind with him, and when I do so, I am really scared of the consequences. Its hard to sum up many months of a relationship in a single post, but the broad gist is that he feels I pick fights too often, I am lousy (relative to him) in some of my habits, and that my low energy levels or persona otherwise (generally melancholy to his happy, less open to new experiences than him etc) drag him down. All of these are things I've actively worked to get better at, but I may be on a hamster-wheel when I compare where I need to get to with where I am.

I've conducted experiments over periods of months where I try to be the best version of myself, and yet there will be an incident or two after which his verdict will be "you picked a fight, lets hit the reset button, don't expect to move further in the relationship until you can give me a <pre-determined length of time, like a month> of peace." The incident could be something as simple as him offering his business ideas for an industry over a stroll, which I don't agree with and present arguments against.

Questions for redpill: (1) I think very highly of him, yet end up a pile-of-hurt all the time. I want to move forward in the relationship, yet cannot get to a point where he's happy with me. I've accepted the power-delta in our relationship, we come from a cultural context where he holds the power to make all the important life-calls and that's fine by me.

(2) How do I convey what I feel without ticking him off? me: "By doing X, you are hurting me". him: "Conversation with you is much better over text than in person."

I can't grasp why he would send this response instead of addressing what I was talking about. Given past patterns, I am pretty certain I'll be penalized very heavily for the above exchange. I've done communication differently in the past, something like "I am sorry to bring this up, but this has been bugging me. here's how I feel" - that hasn't worked either.

tl;dr - I adore the guy, but he doesn't seem happy with me. Its very easy for me to end up doing something he will hate and penalize me for, and I feel like I am walking on eggshells and am hurt all the time. I can't make out if the problem is me (and how to correct it) or if he's really being mean (which I often feel, but find hard to acknowledge/assert).

Mentathiel · 2016-07-03T13:53:19+00:00

From everything you wrote, the only conclusion I can come to is that you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. Emotional abuse aims to undermine your sense of self-worth, usually in order to make you easy to control or make you tolerate more abuse. You're displaying characteristics of a victim of emotional abuse by blaming all of his faults at yourself and justifying his abuse, as well as holding him in a very high regard and comparing yourself to him and saying you're worse in every aspect (you talked about habits etc.) than him. It's a textbook example of it.

In order to better your relationship through being the best version of yourself, you have to vet a good partner first. And a good partner isn't just smart and with a stable job, they have to be good at interpersonal relationships. Your SO seems to have a lot of anger issues and resentment towards you or whomever he's angry at and projects that anger at you.

Moreover, if all of this doesn't seem plausible to you, if he's in your eyes so much better than you and you're making him miserable all the time, why are you wasting his time?

However you look at this, you should break up. And right after you break up seek therapy or at least read heavily on the subject of emotional abuse. If this has been going on for a prolonged period of time, he's destroyed your confidence completely and in order to vet a good partner you need your confidence, instead of thinking you're deserving of abuse and maltreatment or that you can't do better than X, when you can.

I'm sorry if this is not very self-improvement-RPW advice, but from what I see I'm not willing to give this the benefit of doubt.

Best of luck!

SouthernAthena · 2016-07-04T07:11:39+00:00

Sounds like you are actually a long term plate, not an LTR. What makes you think that if he blows up over tiny things, he will be open to criticism of his communication style? He won't. TRP isn't about men completely dominating women. It's about the give and take within traditional gender roles. Unless somehow you're putting a spin on the situation, it sounds like he doesn't value you. You are letting him chip away at your self esteem, which will make it harder for you to have healthy relationships in the future.

Leave.

VigilantRedRooster · 2016-07-03T07:05:43+00:00

the relationship is a secret for social reasons

Wait, What? You are his secret girlfriend? What exactly does this mean?

I think very highly of him, yet end up a pile-of-hurt all the time.

Are you in an industry where you have to be headstrong and aggressive to be noticed or get ahead? If so, are you having trouble compartmentalizing this so you can have a healthy power dynamic in your personal life?

How do I convey what I feel without ticking him off? me: "By doing X, you are hurting me".

One of RPW's important lessons is, Bring your captain your problem, not your solution. The way you presented things was confrontational and probably provoked a defensive response from him. Instead, try along the lines of, "I have a problem with feeling hurt, it seems to come after you do X. Can you think of a solution?" This allows your Captain to take charge of the problem, rather than defend a passive aggressive attack against his ability to.

niyamadana · 2016-07-03T15:21:37+00:00

I don't think your SO sounds like a bad guy.

He actually sounds a lot like my SO, in two ways. The first is that he is very self-motivated and self-disciplined after a career first in the military and now as a successful business owner. He has higher standards for himself than anyone I've ever known, and makes most people look very lazy and dull. He'll nitpick both important things and things like the size of the cucumber pieces in the salad I made, because his job for 20 years has been nitpicking every detail of the work of others to make sure it is absolutely perfect. Instead of getting defensive and making him feel like he can't be himself around me, I either take his advice if it would be an improvement, or say something like "mmhmm and why is a big important man like you worrying about cucumbers?" and give him a kiss and he'll realize he was in work mode at home and we'll laugh about it together.

But it took me many months of feeling absolutely terrible about myself, and finding The Surrendered Wife and RP theory, to learn how to deal with constant, albeit constructive, criticism in my home and relationship. I finally accepted that it was better then the alternative; one of the reasons his criticism got to me so much is that I have high standards myself, and I would never be able to respect a man with low standards.

As for him punishing you... yeah, I get that too. Has your SO been in an abusive relationship before? His withdrawal from you in times when you seem to not have your emotions under control could simply be self-preservation after dating something with a personality disorder like BPD or NPD.

But, after reading your post, the main actionable advice I have for you is to go to the doctor. Low energy levels + melancholy are cause for concern, and could very well be caused by a vitamin deficiency. If you want the best man, you have to be your best self, and that means taking care of your health.

confusedgf0 · 2016-07-03T13:19:59+00:00

yelling from him, verbal abuse on occasion, him withholding affection, blocking me, or controlling how and when we interact.

Instead of looking at these as you being penalized, I'm seeing these examples more as him breaking frame because you have pushed him too far over the line. Men do not have endless amounts of patience. When he's had enough and you keep going, these things will naturally happen. He yells because he's frustrated, he withholds affection because you've nagged the intimacy right out of the relationship, he doesn't want to talk to you because you've annoyed him so much and he is "controlling" (aka avoiding) when you see him because he doesn't want to have to deal with the BS. I didn't address the "verbal abuse" because this term is thrown around too often by people who don't actually know what it means. I'm not saying that's you, but I am saying you didn't provide examples of it so I don't know which is which.

he feels I pick fights too often, I am lousy (relative to him) in some of my habits, and that my low energy levels or persona otherwise (generally melancholy to his happy, less open to new experiences than him etc) drag him down.

This guy, from what you have said seems highly motivated and a real self-starter. It may bother him that you aren't the same. If he sees something that needs improvement, he makes a plan and sets to implementing it. When he doesn't see you do the same, it bothers him. Yes we should all be striving to be our best selves but that is a personal choice, not really something he can make you do. However, it will affect your relationship. So that choice is up to you.

As far as the melancholy thing, it seems like you're a bit of a downer for him. You do seem very clingy and nagging in your post. This is probably what he's talking about. He wants to do what he wants and have you along for the ride and then you complain, whine, and try and manipulate to get your way. I'm specifically referring to the vacation thing you mentioned. It's very telling about your relationship dynamic. You were down to go and do this with him and then changed your mind half way through and tried to get him to go with you. He didn't give in (that's a strong man there!) but the bigger point is that in this situation and in life you go with the flow and let him call the shots, so in this sense you feel that you are letting him lead, but then you change your mind after the fact and put up resistance and try to change the plan. That's aggravating and very telling of the type of woman you are.

offering his business ideas for an industry over a stroll

He wasn't "offering" you his ideas, he was talking about his work. You may think he was looking for your feedback and advice but he isn't. You aren't in his field, you don't know about it, you can't relate. Why would he come to you looking for your advice? He is using you as a sounding board so he can hear his ideas. My husband does this all the time. I used to get upset or irritated by it because I would do what you do and then he would never do what I said. Or he would come up with new ideas and then drop them a week later. I was telling my MIL this one day and she said, "Sadie, he isn't looking for your advice, when he's talking to you he's trying to hear himself and work it out himself. You could be a wall, he isn't looking for your feedback." And she is 100% right! That's exactly what he's doing. So when he talks like this shut up and listen to him because that is what will actually help him.

My advice to you is to lurk around RPW and read the posts, get a feel for how we do things in our relationships. Please read "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle and "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin. Laura will open your eyes to the denial you're in within your own relationship and Helen will help you draw out your feminine personality.

timeforstretchpants · 2016-07-03T13:39:10+00:00

What does he like about you? Or what are you bringing to the table?

While this may not be the case, you're making your guy out to be rather malicious. There is a difference between needing space due to anger/frustration with someone and actively doing things to punish that person.

theScarlettWoman · 2016-07-03T14:01:55+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	New to RPW - seeking opinions on a struggling LTR
Author	confusedgf0
Upvotes	6
Comments	24
Date	July 3, 2016 5:08 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/4r0qwu/new_to_rpw_seeking_opinions_on_a_struggling_ltr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/new-to-rpw-seeking-opinions-on-a-struggling-ltr.86264 https://theredarchive.com/post/86264

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