Defining The Relationship/Having The Talk

VigilantRedRooster · 2016-11-16T18:53:42+00:00

Two core aspects of Red Pill theory are at play here.

Masculine men are leaders, including in their relationship

Women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of commitment

These seem contradictory, but even in a Captain/First Mate model, this is one area where it is the woman's prerogative to bring up relationship issues if the Captain does not.

The wrong way to go about it is to issue demands and ultimata. "I need you to commit to me if you want to go further!"

Instead, extend an invitation for him to lead the discussion. "I really like being with you, and hope we stay together forever." then see how he responds. Nudge the conversation in the direction you want with suggestions, then stop and LISTEN.

If he doesn't respond after a few soft inquiries, you might try being more direct and assertive (NOT aggressive) from there, but don't lead with this.

Willow-girl · 2016-11-17T13:36:57+00:00

He apologized for making me feel uncomfortable and that he has no idea where he will be living or doing in the next coming months.

This strikes me as a bit of a red flag. His statement may be ghod's honest truth -- that he doesn't want to make too many plans while his life is so unsettled -- or it could be a convenient excuse on his part.

Is his current lifestyle -- traveling -- a temporary thing? For "the next coming months" only? Can you see a point in the future where he'll realistically be able to commit and settle down? Be careful you don't let this one string you along for too long, especially if you want children.

Spazzy19 · 2016-11-17T18:33:57+00:00

I brought up my desire for a relationship with my current boyfriend in a couple of instances. We'd known each other for 1.5 years and this change in dynamic started in August after I moved out of the house with my now ex husband finally. The "divorce" process had started in February, but we didn't actually file until September of this year.

Needless to say, it started out as more a relationship-esque FwB which I was ok with for a while considering how things had been going in my life. I also understood his concern about not wanting people to assume he was a homewrecker because we all attend the same martial arts studio. He was also concerned that I was freshly divorced, but admitted he just wasn't ready for a long term committed relationship. However, I at times conveyed my opinion that we were a couple without the title given we spent basically every evening together, I cooked for him, he'd met my mom and aunt, I've known his parents, etc. He even took me backpacking in October too.

However toward the middle/end of October I started getting frustrated because it was going nowhere and he was still just introducing me at gatherings as just "my name." It hurt because I was actually starting to feel the "falling in love" feelings, but I realized what we had wasn't sustainable as it was, and I had no desire to remain in a relationship with no romance yet again.

So I tearfully bid my goodbye and informed him that I couldn't maintain the dynamic as it was, and indicated I was going to move on and try dating this new guy my friend introduced me to (i hadn't yet met him). He understood and admitted he was actually in love with me, but still didn't think he could provide me with what I wanted.

I went on my two dates, but really wasn't feeling it. When I returned home from my second date (a week after the conversation I had with my bf) he showed up on my door with a pot of mini roses, my PS2 which had been at his place for over a year, and a card telling me he loved me but basically had to "break up with me" as friends because he couldn't bear seeing me date other guys because he realized he was an idiotic, emotional blockhead and wanted to start over correctly with me because I'm everything he's always wanted. I obviously told him there was an easy solution to this problem, and voilà, here we are today.

Point of my story is that I made my intention known, was patient, but ultimately had to take care of my needs. Even my dating the other guy was NOT motivated at all out of malice, but it just so happened to have a positive effect on my bf. I'm grateful it worked out, but I was fully prepared to just even be alone since I wasn't a huge fan of the other guy. I'd rather do that than just dredge along in a "relationship" going nowhere.

loneliness-inc · 2016-11-17T14:55:28+00:00

If I ever end up dating again I'd do some things very different than last time and some things exactly the same. One of the things I'd do exactly the same is to be up front at the start of the dating process with regards to the purpose of why I'm dating.

On people date for various reasons. I wouldn't want to spend three months dating only to find out that our objectives are fundamentally different. That's three months wasted.

There shouldn't be pressure to reach any specific level of comfort or commitment by any specific time frame. However, both parties ought to know where they're headed and that they are both indeed headed in the same direction.

This is basic upfront honesty.

dottywine · 2016-11-18T19:16:00+00:00

I just asked him "What are your thoughts on marriage?" then it got the convo going. Before I asked this, though, I made sure he was in love with me and that he felt we had similar life goals.

Cardiscappa · 2016-11-24T04:23:53+00:00

Thank you for all the replies. I stressed myself out and with his radio silence (no correspondence for over a week) and so I threw myself head first and messaged him about his silence and my feelings. I was able to get some things about the future off my chest which I held back not wanting to add to his own life burdens. Telling him what I want in the future, he said, made his side of things less stressful. I'll be seeing him in the next few days and I hope we're able to sort out where we are going.

Title	Defining The Relationship/Having The Talk
Author	Cardiscappa
Upvotes	9
Comments	12
Date	November 16, 2016 5:19 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5daedq/defining_the_relationshiphaving_the_talk/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/defining-the-relationshiphaving-the-talk.86636 https://theredarchive.com/post/86636

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