Some basic facts:

  • I'm from Connecticut
  • I have a lawyer helping me, but he will likely not be present at the hearing (I cannot afford it)
  • My ex cheated on me and lied for months
  • We were together nearly 6 years, but never married
  • I moved out into a better home in a better town (about 7 weeks ago)
  • I currently have my daughter more often than she does
  • I was primary caregiver the last two years
  • I stepped down from my job so my ex could pursue her career (what a mistake that was, I believe I was set up)
  • I have a new job that I began 3 weeks into this process (about a month and a half ago), I work weekends when I don't have my daughter with me
  • My ex makes about double the income I do (based on future projection)
  • My income is supplemented by my mother for now while I recover
  • I filed for sole custody and child support last week, she's being served today
  • She promised to help (child support) for "a handful of months" but stopped after the first month (I recorded her saying this)
  • She introduced her lover to my child on week 4 or 5
  • He lost his job 3 weeks ago and may be living with her
  • My daughter knows he's a "sleepover friend"
  • They both smoke weed daily and I've found pills in her car in the past
  • He may do harder drugs, has posted online about suicide multiple times and appears to be bipolar
  • She has a copy of my bank card and has been using it to buy alcohol and cigarettes (cigarettes daily, alcohol twice in one week)
  • The money in that account is supposed to be child support, it's a joint account she is supposed to transfer money into
  • She locked me out of the bank app by changing the password so I'd have to go to the bank or pay at an atm just to see the balance
  • I have a new bank account for my paychecks
  • My daughter is 4
  • She's on her mother's health insurance
  • I have her Tuesday (afternoon) to Friday, one of our mom's has her Saturday, and my ex takes her Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday before school, I sleep at my mom's house when she has her
  • She shares my last name and I am named the father on her birth certificate
  • She often says she does not want to see her mother
  • There have been days she was with my ex and did not eat until dinner time
  • She knows this was her mother's decision, and tells strangers "my mommy made us leave"
  • She wakes up at night (constantly) crying, and comes into my room; She's extremely confused and distraught and often "shuts down" periodically throughout the day and has thrown up from nerves several times

What I've done so far/have as evidence she's a poor mother:

  • Kept a calendar for all the time I've had my daughter, she's had my daughter, and how many times she's been late to pick her up on 'her days' (many, especially the first few weeks)
  • Recorded original negotiations with my ex, have her on it calling child support "an allowance" and saying she will not give me it; admitting to buying $200 worth of 'dabs'; swearing and yelling at me throughout the process and telling me to 'go fuck myself' after I say I'll "try to be nice throughout this process" (I kept calm the entire time, never raised my voice or cursed)
  • Took photos of the house while it was under her care (when I had to take trips to pick up my property, two separate weeks); total mess, clothes piled up, dishes piled up, toys everywhere, ash tray in the house, nearly empty liquor bottle ($40 Jack Daniels)
  • Texts from her best friend griping about my ex's parenting, and how she's absorbed in her phone when she brings my daughter to play with hers and how she has to feed her because my ex rarely ever provides food
  • Texts from my ex stating it's "hard to see any father daughter duo" because of her own father's death 14 years ago.
  • A note from the school teacher because my ex sent my daughter to school in a turtle neck and long pants on an 86 degree day, I have the clothes as well and brought a change of clothes to the school in case it happens again
  • Bank statements showing she used my account multiple times (she replenished some of it, but not all)
  • I'm getting a reference note from my boss stating my work ethic and job security (he thinks I'm the best, and I've only been there about 6 weeks, and only work weekends and Mondays (12-15 hour shifts), recently picked up Friday nights)
  • I'm signing up for the mandatory parenting classes this week

My primary concern is getting custody and having my residence be my daughter's. I have her 4 out of 5 school days and she starts kindergarten this year. Her pre-school teacher has been helping me and has unregistered her from the school district (it's auto enrollment). I'm going to ask the teacher for a reference letter as well, stating how I've acted and how my ex has acted. I've kept a dialogue with her as this process affects my daughter's behavior (she's cried in school several times), my ex has not. Child support is secondary. I need it to ensure my daughter's quality of life is maintained.

I need to win. I do not know if I have enough, and I do not know what my ex will bring (or possibly lie about). What I do know is I was never abusive to her, not physically or verbally, never cheated, did not waste money, am not an addict of any kind, and put every effort into raising our daughter right. I believe my ex has/had PPD and most definitely suffers from Chronic Depression. I want her to get therapy and have brought it up many times, but I do not believe she will do it without being forced. Also, I want her lover drug tested, and if possible, I don't ever want that scumbag around my daughter again.

I will take literally any advice, preferably from men who have already been through this process. Thank you for your time.