How do you reject a guy?

SporkTornado · 2016-02-05T22:56:55+00:00

I have no interest in boyfriends/relationships. But to tell him that seems like a bad excuse. I also don't find him attractive at all which is just mean to say.

You need to be firm and clear, tell him that you are not interested in a romantic relationship.

Mitschu · 2016-02-06T08:17:10+00:00

Bluntly, bluntly.

Men are biologically and socially more inclined to pursue, particularly if they believe they stand any chance. The easiest and best solution is to be blunt and exacting, as early as possible and as frequently as necessary (the precise line where frequently becomes "too much" and you cut off the friendship is up to you.) Not just to cut off interest at the source, but to also prevent them from nurturing that idea that they stand a chance in the first place. I've seen men move the moon and brighten the stars off of nothing more than that misinterpretation, while their clueless paramours had no clue why said men were such nice friends. (But totally not relationship material, ew, where'd you get that silly idea?)

You invoked his desire to show off his ability to fulfill a provider role by letting him be the nice guy who stores your stuff, and when he springboarded off of that into probing for mutual interests to form a relationship from, you indicated cautious willingness to follow along (despite having a worry that he would hit on you.)

The tch of rejecting his kino attempt (I'd bet decent money that he's read about PUA / game theory, if only because it's the only real literature for socially awkward men desperate for relationships out there), was a clean rejection that made your stance clear, the polite appreciation of his consideration afterwards promptly muddied it up again. Now he had to decide if the rejection was for "going too fast" and the appreciation afterwards was a signal for "but still in the race", aka playing hard to get, or if you were seriously and fully rejecting him without any chance of reciprocation of interest.

The arm around the sofa trick is... well, so old that I can't forgive "falling for it" on accident. My nephew already knows to pull that crap when he's play-flirting with his female peers, and he's seven and still thinks girls have cooties. His female peers, on the other hand, already know how to shoot him down for it, while not destroying the potential for friendship.

So... grab some chalk, go outside onto the sidewalk, and crouching down with your arm unbent and legs locked, swing yourself around until you've drawn a full circle. That's your personal space bubble. If anyone enters it without your permission, remove yourself a set distance or ask them to give you some space.

Letting his arm stay inside the bubble without shifting further away or (if no more room to escape to) asking him to please move his dang arm, is letting his check to see if you were comfortable with him being that close to you receive an uncontested green stamp of approval. Hence why he went in for the arm around you - as far as he could tell, you weren't sending any signals saying that to do so would be unappreciated - but even so, at that point, you still had the power and right to tell him to remove it.

What to do now is to reread that first sentence I wrote - time to be blunt. If he continues to flirt with you, tell him flat-out that you aren't interested. It'll hurt him, of course, but it'll hurt him less than being polite and passive over a prolonged period, letting him think he has a chance if he's persistent, letting him build up an emotional investment, before finally mustering up the courage to tell him off will.

As for what to do in that situation and future situations like it... again, be blunt. Reservedness is far, far too easy to mistake (for both men and women) as coyness, and coyness should be reserved for people you're actually interested in. Unless you harbor an interest in him, be clear that you don't harbor an interest in him.

Further, your personal reasons are your own. You don't have to justify or explain them to anyone. If you feel as though you must, that is up to and on you, but I'd recommend three-stepping it. Step 1: "I'm not interested in a relationship." Step 2: "I already said I'm not interested in a relationship with you." Step 3: "Brosuke, pick one. Our friendship, or your infatuation? Because if you keep pushing for one, you're gonna lose the other."

Only other thing I'd say is keep in mind that this is MensRights, what we know about male mating psychology and the social aspects of the dating game in that capacity as MRAs would fill a thimble. Now, if you want to talk about legal and social issues facing men today... I'd suggest asking around some of the male friendly relationships subs for a few opinions as well, trying to avoid the ones that are overwhelmingly "females offering advice from the male perspective they explicitly lack" advice subs, since those are... well, to put it to analogy, it'd be like me condescending to recommend my first choice of tampon brands to you.

So, to recap:

Be assertive, bold, and blunt. There is no better way to reject an advance, anything less may (and frequently will) be freely interpreted as coquettish, coy, playing hard to get, open to the suggestion with convincing, etc. Even if you get through most of your friendship without ever once bluntly rejecting the guy, there will come a time when he tries to secure taking the next step (as in, more than just friends) and you'll have to reject him then, and it will hurt him at that point far, far more than any emotional pain you might have caused being blunt in the first place.

Also, convenient lies never help, so don't resort to them. Don't go the "I'm lesbian" or "I have a boyfriend" or "my dad is a serial murderer who swore my eternal love to Satan" route unless true.

Lastly, don't take any of this as blame. This isn't me saying "What the hell is wrong with you, leading him on like that?!" (except for the whole arm around the seat thing, you really did kinda drop the ball there... to put it into perspective, I've flirted my way into steady relationships with far less initial encouragement), this is me saying "You're dealing with cross-gender communication issues. Ergo, the only fix is to clearly, articulately, and explicitly communicate."

Keep in mind, you're still young (young enough to still have fun barhopping,) so this is an important learning period for you, as well. The existing education system has really failed miserably to teach students things that'll actually be useful as adults, so... the actions that are difficult or uncomfortable for you right now, if you undertake them anyway, will be things that you are grateful to have experience in in the future.

The pushy flirt whose advances you reject with a clear "I'm not interested in an relationship" now, is the pushy boss whose advances you reject with a clear "I'm not interested in more unpaid responsibility" ten years down the line.

cld8 · 2016-02-05T23:15:55+00:00

I think the best thing to do is to just be direct. Say "I know what you're thinking, but I don't want to be anything more than a friend to you. I hope you understand that."

Many women have a desire to not hurt a man's feelings by rejecting him outright, so they try to do it in a subtle way. Men don't understand subtle cues as well as women do, so they often don't get the message, or don't take it seriously and keep trying.

ee4m · 2016-02-05T23:54:21+00:00

This isnt the average guy, its someone why doesn't understand boundaries and social cues all that well.

Be clear that you mean that you are nor interested, if that doesnt work run away!

soalone34 · 2016-02-05T23:24:18+00:00

Tell him their is nothing wrong with him, but you're not interested in a romantic relationship at the moment.

Also if I guy seems like he's persistently asking to do favors for you, make sure you also make this clear to him as he may be doing the favors in an attempt to romance you.

coke501 · 2016-02-06T01:02:16+00:00

Don't use the 'not interested in a relationship' line. It will bite you in the ass long term.

Just tell him the truth, he is not your type and leave it at that. Almost every guy will accept that, we are used to rejection.

CrazyInAnInsaneWorld · 2016-02-05T22:54:14+00:00

Wait for it to come up again, then explain to him exactly how you feel. Let him know it has nothing to do with him specifically.

It's up to his self-esteem to believe you, or get butt-hurt.

ghebert001 · 2016-02-06T01:23:08+00:00

Some people, male or female, take rejection badly, most are understanding. Just be clear that you're interested in being friends and nothing more. He might be up for it or he might or he might feel like you're of no further use to him if you don't want anything more than friendship. Don't take it to mean that you're not friendship material...it's like you're a burger and je has a craving for pizza. Nothing wrong with a burger, but he just really wants pizza and that's all that will fulfill his craving.

CrazyInAnInsaneWorld · 2016-02-06T06:14:39+00:00

Honestly? Be straight-up with him. Don't tell him you're not interested in a relationship, tell him you are not interested in a relationship WITH HIM. If he asks why, explain that he just isn't the type of guy you find attractive. That's really the best you can do, if you want to do so in a fair and just manner.

The reason I make the distinction, is because you are both being honest, and if you happen to find someone that strikes your fancy soon after telling him the former, it will breed resentment, as you had told him you weren't interested in a relationship, yet here you are now in one. He will feel lied to, and to a degree, he would be right, as you never mentioned to him that it was the 'with him' qualifier that was the important part.

Given what you've mentioned, he sounds like someone that doesn't understand personal boundaries and social cues, which unfortunately, is a trend I have seen with many newcomers to the Japanimation fandom. (Yes, I'm a bit old-school when it comes to being part of the fandom. I still recall the days of watching anime on pirate VHS tapes imported from overseas.)

Do what you have to to keep yourself safe, but at least be honest with the guy about your intentions. If he gets butthurt about you being honest and fair about explaining to him you're not interested in getting together with him, then he's got nobody to blame but himself.

SRSLovesGawker · 2016-02-06T07:02:52+00:00

There's no absolute rules, but generally you want to be honest, be direct, and be kind.

When you talk to him, give him a moment to prepare for bad news. Something as simple as "I'm need to tell you something you're not going to like. Take a moment to prepare. Okay?" I've found that giving people a chance to emotionally steady themselves helps them receive that information.

Also, make sure he knows that it's not a situation he can change if he tries to do x, y or z. It's done, and he needs to recognize that fact.

Try to avoid arguing about it and do your best to ignore any harsh language. Remember: you've had plenty of time to prepare for this, he's experiencing it for the first time in the present moment.

Finally, give him an out to not be your friend if he doesn't want to be. The whole "let's just be friends" thing can be onerous, it puts pressure on the person being shot down to do what you want while simultaneously denying him what he wants, causing resentment. Let him know you'll understand, that you don't expect him to be all buddy buddy with you and you won't think he's a bad person if he simply walks away.

Sucks that you have to do this, but it's great that you're asking the best way forward. I hope it works out and he gets the point with no drama.

mikesteane · 2016-02-06T08:08:51+00:00

The most important skill you can have in life is the ability to see things from another person's point of view.

Most guys are just awkward when making advances to women, which also makes it awkward for the women. They are scared of rejection, so by being indirect they make it impossible to reject them, which also means you cannot get rid of them without being direct and thus end up feeling that you are mean.

You can solve this by giving him what he needs to know. Tell him how to be a bit more direct and that rejection is not so painful. Then when you reject him, you can say "See, it wasn't so painful, was it?" You can feel good about yourself and he has made some progress.

You will also find that the good karma will come back to you. Get into the habit of doing good things for people, at first because it always comes back to you and later it will become a habit and you will do it for no gain. But you will find, in a short space of time, that you will have good friends who also look out for others as a matter of habit.

Karissa36 · 2016-02-06T21:19:31+00:00

I have generally had good results on this following the rule of D's. D stands for door, desk and distance. Always try to have one or more of these when interacting with a guy you are not interested in. An open door, a desk or other item of furniture in between you, or a distance of at least 4 feet. Don't be afraid to casually get up and move away from him to maintain your D's. Just do it without saying anything. Ninety plus percent of men will catch on to these social cues.

For the rest you have to use your words. The other comments have addressed this.

TheDude41 · 2016-02-07T03:02:15+00:00

Not really relevant to this group. But the easiest and most sure-fire way is to simply stop answering his calls and stop hanging out with him.

baserace · 2016-02-06T03:38:50+00:00

/r/relationships would probably be a better place, but you are of course welcome here.

Title	How do you reject a guy?
Author	MissSofiaChan
Upvotes	9
Comments	26
Date	February 5, 2016 10:52 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/44dcnd/how_do_you_reject_a_guy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/how-do-you-reject-a-guy.956831 https://theredarchive.com/post/956831

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