So, this happened. It was the scariest time in my life. Bad things have happened since then, but this was the worst of all of them. Maybe because I was so young.

I was 4 years old. Mom dressed me and my older sister up all pretty. She curled our hair. Mom said, "Behave now." And being a very compliant child, I did. We went off to the courthouse. I was careful to keep my dress down, and my hands folded, and to not run around, and to be silent. I was a good child. I didn't know my mom and my step-father had filed for adoption.

We sat around for what seemed like hours. Then the judge took me back alone into his chambers. He was wearing a black robe. He sat me on his lap and fed me jelly beans. Jelly beans! Hurray, I thought things were going kind of good now.

We talked for awhile and then he suddenly said it. "Do you want to live with your mom or your dad?" I was suddenly scared out of my mind and frozen. Because I loved both of them. Suddenly I had to choose.

I regret it now. I regret not having my real father. I regret being so damn scared at age 4 in a judge's lap, that I just said whatever. Because life without mom was unthinkable.

I regret not having my father. Was not so kindly adopted by my step-father, (over my real father's protests), but you know it's not the same. It's never been the same. I wish I could go back now. I wish I could tell the judge that I needed both of them.

I regret it all now. It's a life long sorrow that I never can change.