Advice to get back

Pmacht123 · 2021-03-31T20:23:09+00:00

Find someone to talk to. My stbx told me she wanted a divorce at the end of January. It came out of nowhere. Hit me like a rock and I was in the same mental state as you. I just talked and talked to a lot of different people. It helped that a lot of people saw things wrong in the marriage but didn’t want to say anything because I was always trying to make the marriage work. It opened my eyes that I deserved better. On the days that it is really hard, I just keep telling myself that I deserved better.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2021-03-31T20:39:02+00:00

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas and plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful:

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market in a much much better position.

xdrunkagainx · 2021-04-01T20:22:49+00:00

Stay sober, start looking into extra income and getting out of debt if you have any. Hit the gym and lift, eat clean. You need to be able to think clearly cause you are about to fight for your life. Be smart and you will come out the other side better than ever. I took all my anger and focused it into becoming as successful as possible. The best revenge you can get on her is to build yourself up into the most successful and attractive version of you possible. Women absolutely hate when a man they thought was below them succeeds, especially if other women want and pursue him.

happyyalobusha · 2021-04-01T04:22:38+00:00

Be prepared for her to move all of your savings into another bank account in another bank in just her name. She may also max out your joint credit cards.

Since she has moved out see if your lawyer can get a court order to keep her out of the house. Consider installing cameras in the house so you can be alerted and watch if she breaks into the house and plants illegal drugs.Her having access to the house gives her lots of opportunities to pull dirty tricks on you per the cheater's handbook.

While you are stressed out about police being called to your house for some false report she can demand more in the divorce settlement with other false accusations.

Pokey_McGee · 2021-04-05T16:33:00+00:00

I didn't have many people to talk to and didn't want to constantly barrage them either so I started my own blog.

It's more of a completely anonymous online journal but I just get on and write about things to help work it out. Mostly stream of consciousness, but it helps.

Also, find the time to go for a walk. (Preferably in nature.) It'll help you focus and clear your head.

Bipolar_investor · 2021-03-31T17:45:36+00:00

Go out / date someone else / remove anything that reminds you of her. If anything good will come, it will come from you acting like she exists not !

Zealousideal_Ad5173 · 2021-04-01T00:55:38+00:00

Sorry to hear about missing your son. Hang in there, I have the same fear of loneliness and unable to see their faces everyday. I am trying to change my mindset.

Title	Advice to get back
Author	trickymw
Upvotes	20
Comments	12
Date	March 31, 2021 5:42 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/mhbfse/advice_to_get_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/advice-to-get-back.817288 https://theredarchive.com/post/817288

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