After a very hard beginning, I'm now living on my own (with a 50/50 custody agreement and lawyers involved) and I am feeling so good. I was very afraid to be on my own or to miss my son... but not at all! I was the main caretaker of the kid so this is the first time in many years I just have time for me. I'm breathing again. Last week-end I was just enjoying myself doing simple stuff alone.

I realised I was not in love with my wife but attached to her, to the idea of family.

I spent years being afraid of her, of her reactions and constant angriness. That was not a life.

I did not had a strong opinion about astrology but I read a bit about it and found out it was pretty accurate for me and my ex. Guess what, I'm not compatible with my wife's sign. At least it helps me to let her go. I accept some people are not compatible. Once you really believe it, the feeling of loss disappears. We tried, we had good moments, we have a wonderful son, the end result is still beautiful.

I miss her a bit. Our communication is good and we want to keep it that way. Today, I don't want her back but as I don't have to endure her everyday, my mind remembers her good parts. There is a growing feeling that just wants to hug her. I know it's a trap but it's there. I imagine she could feel the same, ask me back, then the shit show will start again.

I stopped having the urge to get laid, but in my distressed quest to find someone to talk with I started chatting with a girl 10 years younger than me. We will see each other in 2 days for a little hike. I don't have any expectation as I'm "disgusted" to just think about kissing a woman. This is just a walk with someone with an open spirit, it's fine.

What helped me a lot :

  • living on my own
  • walks, morning and/or night.
  • talking a lot with friends and family
  • collective sport/fitness classes
  • no alcohol (I don't drink anything for almost a year)
  • light herbal medication : 5-HTP, st. John's wort, rhodiola+saffron
  • sleep
  • keeping the house tidy
  • I removed the idea my son will "die" if I'm not there for few days.
  • being friendly and supportive with my ex.
  • I accepted I don't own people