Since I am at the several years mark post divorce I thought I would share periodic wisdom I have come across in this Journey.

One of the BIGGEST issues facing men in divorce initially is the shock of Divorce being filed on us. Closely followed by the cold reality of our spouses feelings about the husband and marriage prompting them to file for divorce.

  • It's a bit of a shock to have papers shoved in your face. The lawyer on the other side usually has a particular server or group of servers that do it in a particular way, and there is no shortage of psychological trickery to get the man off his mental game.

In my case my spouse orchestrated for me to be at a particular place on the pretext to meet with her, and I was served. (so yeah my wife (at the time) and mother of my children lied and tricked me to have me served... not a good scene). Compound this with my spouses "apology" and "professing of still caring, but must do this divorce thing for *reasons*.

But while that was a shock and threw me for a loop mentally, threw my emotions in turmoil. I was lucky. ONE, I had a good lawyer so the response to the filing (remember you are NOW a party in a COURT CASE...). TWO, I had mentally accepted that the marriage was over and my soon to be ex did not have nice feelings for me now (despite her messages).

So in many ways I was one of the lucky ones. I did not "beg and plead for reconciliation". I did not "appeal to love and kids". I accepted that my spouse was a thinking adult and while I did not agree with her decision, I HAD TO ACCEPT that in a no fault divorce state, any party to marriage could leave AT ANY TIME via Court ... And my spouse just started that.

How to deal with the Shock - there are really only a few ways to work through a psychological shock. 1 is talking with a good friend and just talking and processing. (should take a few hours over time) 2 going to a divorce support group (you can google for those) 3 - processing your feelings via a therapist/counselor.

  • How to deal with the "New reality of the Spouse Feelings" is a bit more complex AND takes some time to process. (YES it is very difficult to deal with BOTH these things 'Shock and Feelings' at the same time... which is why shyster lawyers ambush you with a filing btw)

The first step is to realize your marriage is OVER. I know it's hard, the day before you got papers you were maybe even "Happily Married" but today you have the cold reality that this woman in your life does not want you in hers anymore. (tough right?) Most people get past this by getting a lawyer and getting a petition together to layout your case in court. It's rough but lawyer asks you a few questions you sign and realize YOU are now Divorcing.

The SECOND step is a bit more involved. I have seen men be nice. I have seen men be not nice. I have seen men grovel and get the "I still love you" speech by soon to be ex.. (all the while the spouse indicates that they love the money they will get exiting the marriage with MORE than the man). I have seen it all. But the only way a man successfully navigates this is that while your spouse may indeed still have nice feelings for you. The spouse has gone from the ON Loving feelings and wanting you in her live to OFF on wanting you in her life. The switch is OFF now my dudes. And this is HARSH. It's not easily understood that a woman can be nice one day and basically the next have the coldness of a the witches in Hamlet. But it's now reality. The best way to think of it is that this woman NOW has no feelings for you AT ALL. (which is hard for a man to process... because usually a woman will be nice and polite realizing that it is unseemly to tell a man she has been married to, that she now feels NOTHING for, so she will play nice and say "I still care for you").

A wise man will realize that while a woman may be saying nice words. Her legal actions are she DOES NOT WISH TO BE WITH THE MAN ANYMORE. Saying that to oneself is very helpful in getting a man's mind wrapped around this reality. Another thing is to mentally realize that no one can un ring the bell of filing for divorce. While there are mythical situations where a couple decides to end the divorce petition. Most older divorce attorneys will say "but they always come back in my office later". So get this now... you are divorcing, divorce finalization is a matter of WHEN not IF now. This is where the good understanding Divorce lawyer will be helpful. The cold mechanical reality of the divorce process does not allow for nice feelings. Concentration on the reality that you are fighting for access to your own children and also division of ALL the money you have earned, and also they want a good percentage of your future earnings! well you get in the mind set quickly.

Think of it this way. Your spouse is not your spouse. Your spouse put on a bandit's mask and came up to you will a weapon and said "half your money!", "you only get half the week with your kids!", "And I take 30% of your future income like taxes", "Hand it over!"

Oh and you are unarmed and the bandit WILL take your money, your house, your kids and all you can do is FIGHT for some access to your kids, and some future income that you can support yourself. THAT reality (usually with a Lawyer's kind counseling) is enough to shock most men out of the feelings for spouse no matter what she says.