Been unhappy for awhile (posted previously). She might have an underlying bipolar personality disorder. Has anorexia/OCD/Anxiety/depression/anger, etc. She's caused a lot of unrest in my job/career. Moving jobs often (moving cities often). Even know where I work from home and odd hours, she complains that me working makes it too hard on her.

All of this hit me the other day when my young daughter asked me if we were getting a divorce.

It has been a lot of ups and downs. I've been struggling to take the next step (my nature is to just deal with it...).

Started therapy for myself.

People no longer ask where she is or how she is doing. She goes between being ok to be around ( granted when she's comfortable in her element, exercising without pain, free to get out and walk as she likes, kids aren't at home, etc). With the recent winter storm. Kids and her stuck at home, she was difficult to be around because she wanted her space from everyone. She got upset my youngest (for eating one of "her" snacks) and triggered me to sign the lawyer contract. At the moment, it felt like a small weight was lifted off of my shoulders (I had been struggling to do it for so long).

I haven't said or shared anything with her though. Its made me anxious.

She's back to being tolerable at the moment. I'm still the only one watching the kids, taking them places, etc. As I said, nature it to put my head down and move on.. But at the moment, feeling guilty about the decision.

I don't think it would surprise her though (I had asked her to take a break from being around the house, visit her family, offered her a spa hotel visit locally, anything to get a change of scenery). She begged me to not give up on her (around Christmas). She said she heard me and started to drive one kid to school (when I work nights). Wanted to be patted on the back for not going hysterical when kids were forced to stay home because of covid outbreaks. But seems like these are all such small things.

She always feels guilty about being a crappy mother and wife. It has taken her awhile to be able to help put them to bed. She feels better about "watching" one of the kids when I take one to an activity or something. Basically leaves 1 kid downstairs on the iPad so she can stay on the treadmill.

I've pushed her to talk to a psychiatrist and they referred her to a therapist as well. She finally agreed to take medication last summer. But she only talks to the psychiatrist every 2 months it feels like and not sure she's had more than 2 sessions with the therapist.

My own research from psychiatrists and therapists think she needs inpatient therapy (I've called multiple places, but all of them are voluntary and she refuses to talk with me about these issues, telling me to "stay in my lane"). Hoped an outpatient place near her family would get her to go, but they refused to offer her treatment.

I feel like she is a ticking time bomb. Health wise, she was hospitalized last summer. Always feels like she's getting sick, coughing, etc. Struggle to get her to go see doctors. I took her to her last doctor's appointment and the staff was basically telling her to reschedule and leave. She was angry and yelling at everyone.

She was also recently sued by another party for a car accident she was in 2 years ago (right before the pandemic). She refused to talk with her insurance provided lawyer on the lawsuit.

Her day revolves around walking/running and watching tv shows, movies and audio books.

In my mind, I know it is the right decision. Emotionally, still struggling with it. Hard to see a future with her. It's me raising the kids myself and taking care of her. and paying for her,

Part of me struggles with just leaving her or seeing about an ultimatum to get her to get the help she needs. But not sure how much that will do if she's feeling forced into it.