Got the Paperwork. Feeling Really Depressed.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-12-31T20:05:19+00:00

> I told her she could continue to stay here, save money, and move out when she's at $3000.

Stop being her white knight. That was a perk of marriage, and that's over.

> $398/month in child support, which I know she can't afford

Stop making excuses for her. She's a grown ass adult and can take care of herself. That's also a bullshit number for two kids, especially kids with high needs. Depending on their autism, CS for them will be indefinite. And it will only go up over time.

AirSailer · 2022-12-31T19:48:12+00:00

She's an adult, she's responsible for herself, she's not your responsibility (she wasn't when you were married either). Men are taught their self-worth is tied up in taking responsibility for others, then when divorce happens they feel like a failure. I felt the same with my ex who also has mental issues and dependency issues... I could no longer be responsible for her, she has to be an adult on her own. Once I got to that point my mental health improved substantially.

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2022-12-31T20:56:03+00:00

There was a story that struck me years ago when I first read it in stop walking on eggshells - sadly that didn’t stop me from my next attempt but here you go .

https://stopwalkingoneggshells.com/a-fable-about-hanging-on-and-hanging-on/

Gattsama · 2022-12-31T20:12:17+00:00

17 years together, 12 years married, no kids, she didn't work. She developed a lot of health issues, and clearly had more psych issue then I knew about + some cluster B / BPD issues as well most likely. I did nearly everything. I worked, made the money, I did a ton of chores, gave her a whole body massage every night I wasn't working, supported every goal and dream she had. I also ultimately filed. We were not healthy (or even safe together).

After I filed I had these waves of guilt that would hit me: who's going to take care of her, help her, support her, is she going to be ok, she's an obese 44y/o with health issues she's not going to find a guy at my level, what about retirement / old age, etc. And like you said that's coming from codependency (and I was simping hard then).

But with time I came to accept that she is not and never as my responsibility. You can not be responsible for something unless you have authority over it, and I never had that. You are not responsible for a coworker that loses his life savings investing in crypto, because you never had authority over him and control of his actions. If your dog bite someone, or your child throws a rock through a window, you are help responsible; because you have authority over your pets/kids.

You don't need to have absolute control / authority to have responsibility. But we have ZERO authority or control over other humans. They are 100% free to make their own choices, and those choices have consequences. We are NOT responsible, we have never been responsible. It's a burden that we took on because we thought we were being loving, because we saw a problem and we knew the solution; so we starting trying to work that solution. BUT IT NEVER WORKS, because they have to chose different. And as you know, she's won't make the choices necessary.

Try to take a big step back. Accept what is and is not under your control. The only things you truly control are your own thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. You can not control others. Accept total ownership of what is under your control, and release everything else. She is not your responsibility, IF she was, she would actually be better. Because you would choose to keep her safe. But because you can not control her, she's going to make what ever choices she's going to make, and she will need to deal with those consequences.

Here's a stoic ideology: "There are two things a man should never be upset about. That which is under his control; and that which is not." :)

Bipolar_investor · 2022-12-31T22:44:39+00:00

Seems like a win to me. Take this and sign it fast

G1P32AKL91 · 2023-01-01T03:03:00+00:00

It sounds like you are going through a very difficult and emotional time, and it's understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed and worried about the future. Going through a divorce and making major life changes can be stressful and unsettling, even when it is the right decision.

It's important to remember that you are not alone, and that there are people who care about you and want to help. It might be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend or family member for support and to talk about your feelings and concerns. It can also be helpful to speak with a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, who can provide a safe and supportive space to explore your emotions and help you to find healthy ways to cope.

It's understandable that you are worried about your wife and her well-being, and it's natural to feel a sense of responsibility for her. However, it's important to remember that you can't control her actions or decisions, and it's important to take care of yourself as well. It might be helpful to set boundaries and to focus on your own needs and well-being during this time.

It's also important to remember that change can be difficult, but it can also bring new opportunities and growth. It might be helpful to try to stay positive and to focus on the things that you can control, such as taking care of yourself and your children. It's also important to remember that it's okay to take things one day at a time and to be gentle with yourself as you navigate this difficult transition.

Title	Got the Paperwork. Feeling Really Depressed.
Author	justsomedude1111
Upvotes	3
Comments	19
Date	December 31, 2022 7:21 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1001i4v/got_the_paperwork_feeling_really_depressed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/got-the-paperwork-feeling-really-depressed.1147852 https://theredarchive.com/post/1147852

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