Grief waves / attacks

Shitpostradamus · 2022-07-07T14:00:19+00:00

Hey brother, just had a similar experience the last couple days. I’m also a year and three months post her asking for a separation and divorced three of those….

My take? It’s completely normal how you feel and what we’re experiencing. You loved her and you busted your butt to make the marriage work. Those feelings don’t go away quickly.

Feel what you need to feel, invest in you and your future, and keep your head held high. Want yourself and what’s good for you more than anything else. You deserve the best, and this woman isn’t what’s best for you, because a fucking awesome guy like you deserves someone who knows what they have and wouldn’t want to lose him

Much love, bro. Please feel free to DM if you just need someone to chat with. I get what you’re going through

playerknowmore · 2022-07-07T15:03:23+00:00

My friend found out two years after divorce that his Ex wife's affair was the last seven years of his fifteen years marriage. She was still trying to get more of his pension. Worse is the main reason for the divorce was AP wife found out and he was sleeping at his job.

Good thing about finding out for him is he started to play hardball. Her last attempt at his retirement was met with a claim against her 401k. Judge basically said retirement was a wash. She lost 1200 in that deal. Oh, he made her pay for the new SUV she wanted before she wanted the divorce. Her and lover boy had to move in with her mom.

He was helping her out in hopes of reconciliation, but when he found out it was no more Mr. Nice guy.

WartimeDad · 2022-07-07T14:19:21+00:00

Yeah man, the ups and downs continue for awhile. For one thing it sounds like the divorce is ongoing, and really the healing goes much faster once that’s done with.

It gets way better. Simply acknowledge your emotions, and move on. Try not to wallow in them, there’s nothing more to learn from them.

Use exercise to push those feeling into the weights. If you have energy to have anxiety, then you have energy to do a few more push ups. Exercise truly does take the edge off. Plus, it’s good for you and you’ll look better. Get that fuck-you body!

Hang in there you’re almost to the other side and there are some really good days right in front of you.

MortarGoBoom · 2022-07-07T14:22:03+00:00

I am in the same boat, though much earlier in the process. She left just three months ago. The grief comes and goes. It always comes when I have the realization "I can't believe she actually left me." From there the reactions vary. Sometimes I laugh about it. Often times I cry. Lately I can just shrug it off. I am sure once I am out of the marital home it will be easier to move on. But for now I am stuck living with the ghosts of what I thought was our happy past. Luckily I was able to find out about the other man pulling her out the door fairly quickly (although not quick enough for me to not beg her like a dog to stay). Knowing there is no chance in hell she is coming back, or that I would even take her back, greatly aids with closure. Take it as a cue for you to move on as well. Work on yourself. Get therapy to help you move on. And when you are ready, make yourself available to love again. This too shall pass. Your feelings are valid, but you need to process them in a healthy way and move on. You deserve happiness.

CRobinsFly · 2022-07-07T15:20:31+00:00

Like other posters have said, I too feel that going through the various stages of grief in a short period if time is completely normal. It'd be weird if we didnt feel anything at all. Just from an empirical perspective, we'd invested heavily into our relationships and it really sucks to basically "lose" the investment, especially for petty reasons. Even a year out - by some estimates it takes men 2.6 years on average to be "over" a painful breakup.

I'm 3 months into separation/divorce and in just the last two weeks I remember being angry, depressed and in denial. I had a major breakdown on Sunday and sobbed for about an hour because "this is my life now". Surprisingly, that actually made me feel a ton better and for the last few days I've been in acceptance and anger. I've been absolutely smashing the gym daily which has helped.

Ironically, I think that the stress might be starting to hit the ex as well because she texted me 2 days ago and basically said that she's been on the verge of tears for days because of all the new stresses in her life without the support from someone (we have a 1yr old). She lamented that she had to go into the office the next day and had no one to come and watch our daughter - she used to call me off job sites to come home and enable her to go in - I guess I wasnt such a worthless piece of shit afterall. lol. This comes on the heels of strong evidence about 2 weeks ago that she was seeing someone else, which I havent confronted or inquired about directly.

Ultimately just become indifferent and focus on yourself.

Dull_Description_710 · 2022-07-07T16:00:51+00:00

It's a nice smack of reality. I need those from time to time and needed them a lot in the early days. I was out to lunch on the state of our marriage and it took me a looong time to realize I was telling myself stories. Move on from the what ifs...they don't serve you. You were telling yourself a story, as we all are, and you can tell yourself a better one. You got this. Stick with or return to the healthy habits you developed when you split - water, exercise, reading etc.

Gattsama · 2022-07-07T16:07:56+00:00

My STBX and I were together for 17 years. Married 12 years. Separated since Oct when she asked me to move out. I ultimately filed in Feb. Before I filed I had never been more peaceful or stress free. Was hitting the workouts hard, sleeping great and work was less stress. After I filed my sleep has been fucked up. Kept waking up after 4 hours (nearly on the dot) and started getting hit by these random waves of guilt 😔

"Marriage is for life, and I'm not dead. For sickness and health. I'm abandoning her, who's going to help take care of her. She's had a hard life and now I'm another person adding to that. Am I being selfish. Love is a series of choices not a feeling, what am I choosing." Etc etc

In my case it turned out that most of that was withdrawal. I had been so use to constant drama that was my normal. Removed from that the dopamine receptors in my brain didn't know what wad going on = guilt waves.

Once I understood it, that helped a lot. I also have a recording of her "explaining " things to me I listen to remind myself how crazy and emotionally abusive she was. I tool a ton of notes while during the separation when we were trying to reconcile, reviewing her double speak, insults, lies and BS also helps.

I believe that it's important to lean into these feelings when they happen. If able, I stop and just let it wash over me, and then normally wash off. I try to figure out why this happened and what I can do about it. And I remind myself that this is a false feeling. I mean the emotions are real, but it's coming for a false place.

What your experiencing is normal, it gets better. My sleep is still not right :( I'm not sure why or what to do about it. But hoping once all this is over things correct, if not will figure it out then.

We are all healing...

SudetenNachkomme · 2022-07-07T15:30:59+00:00

Hey man, been there. My ex-wife started dating a new dude 7 weeks after the divorce was final (which meant she had been grooming this guy for months). Aside from the anger at the divorce itself and the way life had turned out (for me and my children - she accused me of abuse, had me forcibly evicted from the home, kept the kids and me apart for months at a time just to spite me - tried to get me fired from work, the works); it was surreal at how she could just pick up and move on when she was done and play victim through all the bridges she burnt - and the fact that those us of left behind had to figure out how to pick up the pieces while she keeps skating through life … you grieve and rage internally a lot at the injustice of it all.

I’m 2 years post-divorce now. Life has gotten substantially better, but it’s still extremely difficult. That sense is injustice remains, and it’s very easy to get stuck in a grief spiral. All I can say is - trust that she’ll get hers one day. If she’s the person you know to be at the point of divorce, and she’s picking up and moving on THAT quick - she’s not done any work on herself to address her issues; she’s just going to bounce from one dude to the next until she’s used up and worn out. And she’ll blame everyone but herself for her own actions.

Take time for yourself mate. Double down on your routine; get and stay healthy, focus on your kids if you have them - do some deep soul-searching to find out where you went wrong, what you can do to address those mistakes and not repeat them in the future. Build a better future for yourself. It takes a lot of work and it’s a painful road - but it’ll ultimately be the most rewarding. I do believe that when the pendulum swings back and they get what’s coming to them - we’ll be in a better position to appreciate our own journeys, because rather than skate by or make excuses for our mistakes, we actually did the hard work and made sacrifices to be better people. That’s not nothing.

Title	Grief waves / attacks
Author	Dodzer89
Upvotes	9
Comments	12
Date	July 7, 2022 1:37 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/vtix1j/grief_waves_attacks/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/grief-waves-attacks.1122717 https://theredarchive.com/post/1122717

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