6 month into separation and mediation/attorneys/custody etc.

Man, I will tell ya… I’ve had the lowest of lows. Many new folks to the sub will experience them. I will have many more to come. But, I wanted to drop a post to give a little hope. Most of the time things are very dark in this sub - but it has helped me a lot even though I don’t contribute enough.

I’ve had a good end to the week. I have my son for a few days and did some fun things. I feel like I have some shit in order in life for at least the next week. I live now week by week vs day by day.

I’m more focused on myself, have a killer weight lifting regiment. But, I fall off the “wagon” every now and again (drinking/bad decisions/etc). But I feel focused and I think that’s just part of the deal.

Keep your heads up boys! I don’t have many friends, thousands of miles away from the closest family member, will live in a place I never really wanted to live in for at least the next decade, many other things against me. But what I do have going for me is starting to realize person number 2 (myself) can’t be the best dad to my child (person number 1) unless I feel the “best”.

I often read in this sub “become the best version of yourself”. That’s a hard thing to understand, comprehend, and honestly make meaning of. But I will tell ya; it’s a gradual process and takes time. I am starting to feel like I understand what it means. I’ve been in therapy since before this shit started and it has been very good for me. I recommend trying it. For me therapy has to be covered by insurance because I can’t afford it on my own.

Ex is taking most of my money, place I live, all sorts of shit. But, that shit is not what defines me. Your actions, emotions, the way people view you (dependent, strong, a good person to be around), how you view yourself, how you view the world around you, how you view other humans and animals, what you do for yourself as well as others. That is what defines you.

I have no idea what the purpose of life is but I constructed (imagined) what I wanted out of life and created something which didn’t work out. It didn’t work out because it wasn’t “right for me”. It’s what “I thought “ was right for me (wife from stable home, came from money, create a family, buy a house, live happily ever after).

It is time to construct life again. But this time with more learned knowledge and experience. Life is what you make of it I suppose.

Like I mentioned, the lowest of lows. Damn near killed myself more than once. All for what though?

Either way, shit days, weeks, and months are ahead. But, it is nice to have a good “moment of clarity “. I just wanted to share it with the group. Stay strong boys.