I am stuck

wrigleyharbor · 2021-10-20T13:42:01+00:00

I think it’s just fear of the unknown. I didn’t hear you say that there is love between the two of you. Getting back to where you were after an affair is difficult.

The best thing is to sit down and put all the cards on the table and have that honest and difficult conversation. Either split up or get some therapy individually and as couples and follow the basic guidelines of redeveloping the intimacy and friendship of your relationship and growing it. It seems like you’re both miserable but you’re scared of change. We all are. It’s tough

knighttimeblues · 2021-10-20T14:08:37+00:00

Sounds to me like you want to try to make the relationship work. (“She honestly is my best friend” and “we love each other but are not in love with each other” are not the words of someone desperate to find the exit but afraid of what he will encounter on the other side.) If she wants to try as well (which you only find out by talking about it and then seeing if actions match words), you might try couples therapy (again?). The problem is breaking bad patterns of interacting that you both probably contribute to, and reigniting that spark you say is gone. You might also want to get advice on how the fighting, and any eventual separation, will affect your 9 year old. The older kids can probably handle (and might even be relieved by) a separation, but that might not be the case with the younger kid. Especially if the others have left the nest, the younger ones can blame themselves for the adults’ problems. If it comes to that you have to balance that with the toxicity to kids of constant fighting. Tough call. I wish you and yours the best.

sicrm · 2021-10-20T14:51:19+00:00

are you sure she never cheated on you?

the % of people who served that would get a surprise if they got their kids DNA tested isn’t a small number.

either way you need to figure out how you want the rest of your life to go and if your wife fits into that or not.

if she doesn’t then see if there’s anything you can do/ask for to change that.

if there’s nothing then you have your answer.

ChatRoomNinja · 2021-10-20T18:20:15+00:00

It sounds like she never really forgave you for the affair, likely staying together for logistics and/or the kids. Now that the older two are 21 and 18... perhaps going to college or will soon, and the third child is 9 and growing more independent... it's an easier thing to consider. I'm not intimately familiar with military pensions, but you're likely in much better standing today than you were before. So all these factors align to make this a better time for her to divorce you.

The hard part is that when you go through the rocky times, you need to truly get help and heal. I think maybe you assume she had healed because she stayed with you. I don't think you considered that maybe she stayed out of fear, and instead of trying to really take the healing to the next level through marriage counseling or something similar, instead her discontent just sat like a splinter in her mind. And in that sense, perhaps she was not truthful to you, or even herself. Perhaps the last 10 years were a lie. I'm very sorry to put that thought into the world for you. I also notice that one of your kids it much younger, at 9 perhaps this child was a repair-the-marriage child.

I guess the only thing I can tell you is that she clearly hasn't healed from what happened before. I'm sure there's love there, it's just probably not the same love as before. More like "war buddy" love. You've been through hell together, that's what marriage and raising kids can be at times. But I don't think you put your entire soul into it if you had a porn addition then cheated. And I don't think she put her entire soul into it if she's been leaving you in marital jail for a decade for a crime that is long past.

Get counseling. You needed it 10 years ago. Getting it today may not be too late. If not to save your marriage, at least to help you come to peace.

Jonger1150 · 2021-10-20T18:27:50+00:00

When you had the affair, you should have known that you were going to lose her if caught. She won't be your friend anymore and probably in any capacity. Unless she's unlike most people, she will eventually pursue a new relationship and you will no longer be around her in the same capacity.

I would just file and move on. You put yourself in this situation. You gotta get out of it.

playerknowmore · 2021-10-20T20:41:10+00:00

As an Air Force veteran with PTSD let me assure you; if she is still there she loves you. The only excuse for I love but I'm not in love with you is I don't have the desire to fix things. I'm sure you are in therapy, but is she. I think that starting in individual therapy for both of you, and then couples therapy.

Leaving is eventually on you, but you are leaving for only one of two reasons. You selfishly or for her; because you know what you are capable of doing to her. Just understand that yes there is different out there, but necessarily better. The simple fact that no other woman can love your children more than her; gives her an advantage over most potential mates. Beware of FOMO; because it is like a pendulum. That fear that someone else may be a better fit; can quickly turn damn I fucked up a good thing. Whatever happens good luck!

crypto_keeper88 · 2021-10-20T20:49:55+00:00

Sex addiction isn't real, you have control over your own behaviors! Let her go, she deserves to be free. You just need therapy and to work on getting yourself better.

meeroom16 · 2021-10-21T00:09:57+00:00

Sometimes relationships just run their course, maybe it’s possible for you to one day move on to being friends and coparents without the emotional baggage. I see that with friends who have tried hard to get past the pain of divorce and show their kids they are the priority for both parents. After the dust settles, which can take a while, they move on to a new phase of their relationship as coparents who get along OK.

throwaway_1244321 · 2021-10-24T08:19:27+00:00

First off, thank you for your service. Now, if you are fighting and miserable, how do you think your kids feel seeing that? I stayed in it for the kids, but when my 13-year-old daughter found out we were finally getting a divorce, she told me how much better it would be, and that our constant fighting really has had an adverse effect on her. That broke my heart to hear that. I thought I was doing the best for my kids but I was doing the opposite. You guys seem amicable, which is important when you are co-parenting. It's hard as hell to let go, but you are never stuck. Sometimes, it's better to let things go, than trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Best of luck to you!

Title	I am stuck
Author	Wmmartin
Upvotes	12
Comments	12
Date	October 20, 2021 1:24 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/qc0t0u/i_am_stuck/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-am-stuck.1082829 https://theredarchive.com/post/1082829

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