I need an exit strategy. I posted in another sub but it's not getting much traction so I'm trying here. My wife is huge into reddit so I'm using a throwaway. I (M 44) found out my wife (F 37) has been cheating, I have undeniable proof of the affair. We have one child (3yo). Wife doesn't know that I know yet so I'm trying to put together an exit plan.

My main goals right now are 1. Stop her from moving away with our child, 2. 50/50 custody, 3. Keep as much of my retirement as I possibly can. Anything past that and I'm just not sure right now.

My first concern is that over the course of our 12 yr marriage she has "joked" that if we were to split up she would take any children we had and move to another state to be with her parents. Then she would just make me fight it out in court across state lines until I was too broke to go on. I need a solid plan to fight this before I do anything. I have a tentative plan (just disabling her car), but the more eyes on a problem the more likely you'll get a better solution.

The second concern is that I work a high stress job. I'm ok, I don't have PTSD, I'm just a normal, average guy. I've talked to my coworkers who have been divorced and they all said the same thing, the ex got a restraining order against them, accusations of abuse, accusations of child abuse for those who have kids, etc. My coworkers overcame these accusations after a lot of court time and a couple had to do some psych evals, but that would just be more time she has to take off with our child and more money I would have to spend to fight this. Not to mention any negative effects to my career prospects.

My third concern is my retirement. I'm kind of screwed financially, she's been a stay at home wife/mother for pretty much our whole marriage. I'm going to be paying out the nose for alimony I'm sure. I'm not looking to fight the child support, I'll take care of my kid (yes it is my kid I know for a fact, but I also had that thought so I'm not angry about anybody suggesting that my child isn't mine). Right now I'm going to focus on keeping as much of my retirement accounts as possible. I'm in the midwest in a no-fault state. I'm considering trying for a job in an at-fault state and once we're settled in there, then I file for divorce. My question for the other sub was would filing in an at-fault state be better for me keeping more of my retirement.

So where do I go from here? I haven't consulted a lawyer yet. I'm figuring "Go see a lawyer" will be the number one answer, and it's probably the correct thing to do. But my wife monitors our finances like a hawk. So while I can afford an attorney, I'm going to have to figure out how to sneak the money away to pay for a lawyer first. Also I haven't split finances, I haven't even confronted her about her side piece in fear she'll just grab the kid and run while I'm at work. I'm turning to the internet for help before I do anything. Also while I've read quite a bit of reddit, my last post was my first so I'm still figuring this stuff out. And on top of that I'm only doing this from my work computer, she's there with me any other time.

I'm hoping somebody out there has some knowledge that will help me plan my next steps.