Hi Internet family,

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Long rant. TLDR at the end.

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I have been going through the dreaded divorce process. The love of my life, the only woman I have ever been with, someone I knew for 16+ yrs/married over 10, decided to call it quits a little over a half year ago. I cannot stop but wonder what is it that I could do to have her back just so we can have one last chance to fix everything. We have had issues, I agree. We have a beautiful child together but the kid turned out AuDHD. Looking back, we were happy and content before we had the kid, but raising a neurodivergent kid In a distant land that we dont have any immediate family to lean on, particularly with covid in the mix took its toll on our marriage. Heck, we knew our kid was unlike any other we had seen, but we only got the formal diagnosis a little over a year ago.

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We were fortunate with our jobs and money. But, our house was always in a mess. My wife was as forgetful to basic tasks as she is brilliant at her work. She would buy things upon things for our kid's birthday - multiple sets of decorations under the promise that the unused ones would get returned. The return box would get as far as into the trunk of the car, but would never make it back to the seller on time for a refund. Every time I would come back from my work trip, the house would look completely different - new furniture gets in. The existing furniture gets rearranged and there are heaps of packages - both opened and unopened right at the front door as I step into the house. This was despite us having professional cleaners at the house every other week. As things would pile up, I would lose it and we would have a spat. Any help I offered got turned down.

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Little did we know she was herself ADHD. She was perhaps too brilliant at masking, something she must have learnt in an era and a place where ADHD was hardly known. And, to my despair, I had no knowledge about how the condition manifests. I would just be struck in a loop thinking how is it that she can paint for hours at a stretch, while the floor right beneath her feet is in a complete mess, with food and toys on the floor and leftovers uncovered at the stove. It got to a point where any help I offered would get shot down saying my offers are never unconditional and it would come with severe criticism.

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Things got worse with intimacy too over time. She would feel pressured and obligated and keep on turning me down. Using our kid's special needs as the excuse, she would sleep separately with the kid, with me alone in the other bedroom. She would tell me the kid is still trying to fall asleep or pretend she is herself asleep when I message her way past the kid's bedtime, to see if she wants to back to our bed.

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To make matters worse, she had been seeing a therapist for little over a year now, right after she got her official diagnosis. Every time I used to ask her how her session went and if there is anything she would like to share, she would turn me down. I cannot stop but wonder if it was her therapist who encouraged her to end our relationship.

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Aren't psychiatrists supposed to call the neurotypical spouse in and apprise them of the situation? Shouldn't they be suggesting we see marriage counselors or couples therapists to help both partners cope with the situation better, so he or she understands the true crux if the issue - i.e., lack of a genuine executive function vs. deliberately avoiding tasks? To top it up, we live in a no-fault divorce state.

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So, yeah. Great. All everyone sees or listens to is my yelling and outbursts. And apart from my own therapist, neither lawyers nor common friends seem to even offer me even an ounce of sympathy for the cards I was dealt with? Is it just bad luck coupled with my lack of understanding and a busy work.life that got me here?

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Why can't they teach what neurodivergence is at school? Why couldn't my child's or my wife’s psychiatrist ask her the basic question of how our home life has been? Why couldn't she have suggested I be directly informed of the condition, so I had the opportunity to ask my questions and get clarity? Why couldn't they suggest we see competent specialist counselors, so I could get up to speed on what the condition is and how best to cope? It is only in this grieving process that I am teaching myself by reading and listening to specialists. Not even an hour goes by without me thinking I wish I brought myself up to speed sooner before things reached the point of no return.

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No matter how many people I talk to, I dont seem to be getting any closure. How do you guys cope? How do you guys get over the fact that you need to restart from scratch? Especially with no family or close friends around?

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TLDR: Double neurodivergent family with late diagnosis. Husband unaware of wife's condition and traits. Wife filed for divorce. How to cope? What can I do to get her back? How do I stop chasing her when the only life I imagined was with her? Is there hope?

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