Probably will delete this after 24 hours. I get too nervous and superstitious about posts like these, especially with my line of work over the next few days try to avoid negative karma.

This week, and a few words mentioned during it, have been living in my head rent-free. I probably should reach out for therapy, but I have neither the time nor the money to do so.

My week started at work, marking almost a year since my ex asked for a divorce. It’s been approximately 10 months since we’ve lived apart. For about 7 or 8 months, I haven't felt much frustration toward my ex, but this week it all came back. Thoughts kept popping up of how my ex physically and verbally hurt me the day they asked for the divorce.

I don’t know why I was so frustrated or why these feelings surfaced. I was distracted on my phone the following morning—my first day with my children. The night before and that morning, my oldest made some statements. I regret asking them, 'Wouldn’t you like to stay with me all the time?' or something along those lines. My oldest mentioned that my ex loves her, and I agreed. I focused on my children for the rest of the day after that.

What has lived rent-free in my head this week is what my oldest told a member of my family: that my ex slept in over the weekend and had their grandparent (who uses a wheelchair or a walker with a seat) watch the children. My oldest couldn’t go outside, so she sat inside all weekend watching videos on a tablet. When she got bored, she would just run up and down the hallway to burn energy. My ex is struggling financially. My oldest also mentioned that my youngest (who is one year old) is only eating baby food and milk right now, and that they cry the whole time they are there. She said my ex never bathes the youngest, though occasionally my ex will message me saying they bathed the children.

My oldest didn’t want to go home. I’ve been contemplating asking for four nights a week, but I’ve started to give up on that idea due to time and money. I feel like my ex would never agree to it anyway.

Not sure what I can do for my children.