So I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I just do not have the strength.

My youngest son has been looking forward to going to a cabin in the mountains for almost a year now.

It’s scheduled to happen this weekend.

I have two large dogs that I have to board while we go. Both of them became sick this weekend.

I just got back from the veterinarian and they think they can get the dogs healthy by the time they’re boarded but it cost me $616

All I had left in my legal fund from my tax return was $750 so I don’t know if I’m going to be able to pay my legal bills moving forward.

All of this could’ve been avoided if my ex-wife would have mediated, but she decided to go to the lawyer because she didn’t want to lose face with her litigious family.

At the time we separated, I made twice as much as she did.

Recently, she lost her job and doesn’t seem to be looking for another one, even though she is more highly educated than I am. (I have an associates degree and she has a bachelors.)

The divorce is still in process and she asked the court to pay her legal bills too (has not been determined yet). I can barely even pay my own.

My parents paid the retainer for my attorney to the tune of $5000 which has been gone through.

I’m struggling so hard to not let my son down that I just basically spent the rest of the money I had to pay my legal bills to make this weekend happen.

Not to sound like a pussy, but I started having a major panic attack on the way back from the vet.

I got dizzy from being out of breath and was crying a bunch.

I can’t see the purpose in all of this.

I have exhausted all of the goodwill with pretty much everybody in my life because they’re sick of seeing me depressed and anxious.

I pay a counselor to talk to her, but it doesn’t seem to be helping much right now in these situations. Although it used to feel like it was helping somewhat.

If I had the courage I would kill myself, but I just cannot do that to my children. I don’t wanna leave that legacy for my kids.

It feels like I had a good two months during this last year where I felt like things were positive, but everything has just crashed down all around me and I’m just barely surviving.

I have my two children 50% of the time and I love them with everything. But sometimes it’s difficult to be “on” when I’m feeling this way.

I still manage to push through it and we do fun things together and hang out and spend time….

But sometimes it feels like this feeling is never going to end.

I am not currently medicated. I had years in the marriage where I was not on medicine but during Covid, I got back on it because of an ultimatum laid out by the stbxw.

The medicine made me unable to feel pretty much any emotion except anger, and I was indifferent to everything.

So even though I’m feeling all of these horrible emotions I’m also terrified to get on medication again because of how it made me and it’s association with being required to be on it when she still lived here.

I think maybe being a zombie is preferable to living like this.

I wish I could figure out why I had a couple months of positivity this year.

I was working out just like I am now. I was taking supplements just like I am now.

Light therapy, going to a counselor and talking to my pastor at church.

I just can’t figure out the difference between then and now.

Everybody told me the divorce would be over by the summer but now it doesn’t look like it’s gonna be over anytime soon.

Because I’ll be damned if I’m signing any papers until she has a job.

So I’m not sure if it’s because there was light at the end of the tunnel and now that’s been taken away or what.

I’m just not sure what to do. Whenever some kind of new stress hits me, my anxiety goes through the roof and today was one of the worst panics I’ve experienced.