STBXW and I have finally come to an agreement after roughly 18 months of separation, and to be honest it's mostly because we're worn down and financially drowning. But I guess that's part of it, right? It'll probably take me two or so years to get caught up financially, but at least I'll have 50/50 custody of the kids.

I have pretty mixed feelings right now, but I'm set to go sign the paperwork Monday morning with my attorney, and then I guess wait until I hear from them again. I never wanted a divorce, but I had no option but to file, out of fear for a lot of things. The drinking, our bank account going negative every month, fear of me not seeing my daughter again, accusations of me physically abusing my wife.

For the last month and a half, she's expressed wanting to fix things, even mentioning last night that she hopes I'm happy and this is what I wanted... I genuinely can't tell if she sees this as my fault, or some sort of winners/losers game? Where was she when I was begging for her to come back? Pleading for her to come home and fix this for not us, but our kids too? I considered writing out a list of everything I felt she did leading up to the separation and downfall of our marriage, but part of me feels like she wouldn't reflect on it even if I did.

Anyways, I do love the woman I married. And (as crazy as this sounds) I'd consider giving it another go, if she put in the work on herself and was someone I was interested in pursuing. But she isn't that person today, and while she says she willing to do what it takes, I'd have to see her do it for herself. Not for me. Because at this point, words are meaningless.