Still fresh. Feeling lost.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-04-13T06:40:06+00:00

Sorry this happened to you. It is a bitter pill to swallow. It's always hard and unsettling in the beginning.
At 40 you still have a chance to rebuild compared to the crippling grey divorces some of us including myself stare in the face.

LaCathedrale · 2026-04-12T05:52:55+00:00

I'm 41M and I do not have quite the same length of tenure as you did, but recently found out my ex-wife's "friend" has been her lover for at least three months via my eldest daughter (4yo). Ex spent the entire divorce and separation process saying she wanted to be free and independent and didn't want a relationship at all. That hurt of that betrayal is almost as bad as the shock that she didn't want to TRY to reconcile early on.

Unfortunately the sentiment "she has moved on already, and she doesn't care if she hurts you" is almost universally true. She would have had to devalue you and the relationship to zero in order to do what she's done, so it's probably less like she's doing this to hurt you and more that she needs to do it to paint herself as a victim finally 'doing the right thing'.

Counselling never works, it's just a way for people to express how they already feel. I tried this in both my marriages and in the end it was just a lot of money thrown down the toilet because both ex wives had already decided months prior they were done. You can't negotiate love.

Staying friends with her (because obviously, you love her) is only keeping the door open for her to hurt you. I did the same - trying to hold her as a person I respected and cared for in this new paradigm - and it meant when she moved on (VERY QUICKLY) or that her lies came to the surface it hurt all the more. You might be amicable or even friendly in future, but now you have to cut all ties.

You WILL be OK. You are going through shock and then grief and it feels never ending, but very slowly it will get easier. You will not be able to stop yourself thinking of her, of the betrayal and the hurt - it will stop by itself. Do whatever you can to keep your head above water: gym, walking, reaching out to other social groups and AVOID SOLO DRINKING.

Glittering_Lab_6271 · 2026-04-12T04:41:52+00:00

Mine dropped a bomb on me like that on vacation in March. The pain and fear you feel after such a long time is truly eye opening. For me, it got so bad I just had to lean into it and process the emotions right when they come. Been 3 weeks now and I’m still doing that but it’s getting a bit better.

These flooded feelings are going to come. My unsolicited advice is to deal with them now. I’ve been through some tragedies in my life and have learned that what you think is the end of world today, isn’t. As the days pass you realize that more and more. Treat this like you would treat a broke limb. You got no choice but to heal that limb right away. You got no choice but to heal this right away.

You got this man.

1millionBURNINGsuns · 2026-04-12T03:32:46+00:00

Yes. And this will be the worst emotional pain of your life. It’s worse than a close relatives death bc you still see the person you had a life with being there in the world. It’s going to drive you insane for a while. Talk to someone. Next week. This is for you even if you don’t know what else to do, you must go talk with a professional. Hold on. Go to work. Do small things like cooking and cleaning with ease. Go for a walk. Take it slow. It’s an agony with an end you will see one day. Much love.

bizbunch · 2026-04-12T02:18:37+00:00

Man I am so sorry. Truly shit. Just sharing what you did i cam tell that you cared and were all in and she is obviously not.

My first advce is to stop communicating with her directly. Only text or email.

Get support directly Ideally from a therapist who works in betrayal trauma.

Realize and spend time understanding and accepting that she is not who you thought he was. This is the real her, someone who would lie and betray their life partner for a fling.

I would get a solid attorney ans move quickly while she is in limmerence with her new "friend" if you can afford get someone who gets the timing and can push things now.

Find some plans and methods to help when you start ruminating. Walk outside, watch a comedy, call a friend. I definitely wasted too much time trying to figure it out or understand.

Theres no there, there. Shes selfish and doesnt care about you enough or as much as you did. She will make up all kinds of reasons or fault. Dont listen to her, dont ask.

40 isnt too old to build a great life.

Tough-Struggle7602 · 2026-04-11T21:07:51+00:00

Turning 45 in less than a week, just starting the process with mediator. Dated since 23 years, married almost 19 and don’t know what life will be like after this but learning to look for the positives; peace, less stress & anxiety, no constant criticism/judgement, blame shifting. Learning a lot from others who’ve experienced the same and rebuilt their lives in this group. You will be fine, take it one day at a time.

Tall_weirdo444 · 2026-04-12T13:33:28+00:00

40 feeling like starting over is a lie you tell yourself. Its not starting over — you're starting knowing things. That's a completely different hand to play.

How are you actually doing though?

Title	Still fresh. Feeling lost.
Author	prophate
Upvotes	19
Comments	18
Date	April 11, 2026 8:49 PM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1siujls/still_fresh_feeling_lost/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/still-fresh-feeling-lost.1577710 https://theredarchive.com/post/1577710

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