My apologies for how long this will be, but I need to vent, and I feel like my IRL friends could use a break.

It's been 6 months since she told me she was heavily considering divorce and was 75% out, 3 months since she said her decision was made, and 6 weeks since I filed. Once my hope was gone, I knew it was time to pull the trigger. 10 year marriage, 13 year relationship, poof, gone. Kinda. We have 2 girls, 5 and 7, so I can't just make her disappear from my life.

The rollercoaster sucks. You guys know. The shame I felt when this all started was unbearable. Feeling like you're solely responsible for the failure of the marriage, and being unable (at that point) to see that it isn't just you. I remember being made to feel like I'm emotionally unavailable, and avoidant attachment style. And I can say that yeah, for the last year and a half or so, I probably was. I'll own that.

But I wasn't always that way, and it wasn't until later that I could really see how and why I got to that point.

I did withdraw. I did shutdown. And I know why now; because it didn't matter what my reaction was, I was wrong. I remember at the beginning of the relationship, I stood up for myself. Yes, sometimes I would get defensive, feeling criticized will do that. And I'm aware that I wasnt always right and could have handled these situations better. Again, I'll own that. But it didn't matter, because even when I was right, I was made to feel bad and wrong. Her feelings trumped everything.

8 years into marriage, the fight just isn't worth it. I just buckle down, work, take care of kids, take care of the house, and keep up the hope that things will get better. But they won't. Because for all that she says she's feel unloved and lonely as a SAHM, I feel disrespected and unappreciated, but I don't dare bring up MY issues because of HER feelings.

So then she gets more lonely, and spends money on stuff to make her feel better and fill the void. And I see the bank account not grow like it should, so I work more. After all, we decided on mutual goals: the new house we just built, finishing he yard, a security system, a camper, a new bedroom set, new couches. Expensive stuff. I'm put into a really fucking weird position, because I want her to be able to buy the things she wants, but it's a setback to working towards our mutual goals. So the resentment builds, but the GUILT of feeling resentment is also there.

So she spends, I work, she gets lonely, spends more, I work more, and I resent having to work more, and this cycle just goes.. 50, 60, 70 hour weeks of shift work take their toll. That's one thing she'll never understand: what shift work does to a person. I lose myself, get depressed, and withdraw. Looking back, it seems so easy to see and find solutions for, but while I was living it? I was just a robot.

And then she gives up. She felt unloved for too long. And I understand, I really do. I didn't want our marriage to be like this. It's not fair to either of us.

And that's where the bitterness comes in. At her and her active decision to not talk to me about this for 2 years. At myself and my inability to see the problems as they were happening. At the situation, and the thousand choices that got us here. At a broken family and seeing my kids half the time. At the feeling that now that we're separated, I actually feel better (feeling better breeds bitterness? Fuck you brain). The biggest contribution to bitterness now? Mental Clarity. Seeing the problems, knowing how they should have been handled, but HAVING ZERO ABILITY TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. At least within the confines of this relationship. I'm taking my lessons with me. I can't say the same for her.

But as the title says, the bitterness has peaked. It's been a couple weeks and it hasnt grown any stronger, but I can't say it's gotten any less, either.

I want so very badly to get to the point where I just don't care. Where she doesn't trigger the mix of emotions when I see her. But that won't be for a long time. Some day. Just not today.