Hi all,

I’m 34, and just starting the separation process. We’ve not signed papers yet, but she’s talking to lawyers. She’s got peace about separation, and it’s been over for her for about a year. We’ve been sleeping apart for a few weeks and she’s decided to separate after realising that what I thought was a 7/10 marriage with some rough communication was (for her) emotionally abusive. I didn’t really believe her or understand fully how much she was feeling abused.

Together for 8.5 years, married for 5.5. No kids, no dog, no debt, no house, a beater car in my name, and a HYSA which I’m wanting to leave to her because it’s about same amount as the inheritance her mother left her, and I want something good to come of this.

We’re seeing a couple’s therapist and the therapist reached out to my wife separately to say that she believes I have some sort of personality disorder, which when I heard it made a few things fall into place in terms of some of the disconnect between how I see the world and how other people do. My wife’s psychologist also confirmed to my wife that she believes I’m emotionally abusive.

I’m seeing a psychotherapist individually as of two weeks ago, and there’s a few things she’s already highlighted which make it seem like I’m on the right path of confirming what’s off about my mind.

I don’t really know what to do here, but here’s some questions I have:

How do you grieve something that you didn’t take seriously until it was too late?

How do you move on from something when the other person has made a pretty final decision and you know you were mostly to blame, and you have regrets for not believing your wife over these years?