She wants the rewards without the labor. She wants the house that she can't afford to maintain. She wants the kids more than 50/50. She thinks she does "everything" for the kids. I'm not trying to say I do everything, but I am saying I have put in more than my fair share of time and effort and commitment to my children without a break for their entire lives and all I'm asking is to split parenting time 50/50, but that's asking too much somehow.

My dilemma is deciding whether to stop all the negotiating and say it's going to trial or hold out hope for a fair settlement. I know we can't afford a trial. She's too financially irresponsible to understand the impact a trial would have on our children's lives, so I don't know if she's having the same dilemma.

My lawyer says despite a whole lot of problematic behavior from her, it doesn't really matter unless it goes to trial. That if it goes to trial, there is a decent chance I'd get a favorable outcome. Not a great chance, but a decent chance. Which is crazy to me based on all of the info I've shared with him.

It's hard not to think that this would all be over already if I was the mother instead of the father.

I could live poor and happy with my children, but that doesn't feel fair to them to struggle in that way when it could be avoided. It also doesn't feel fair to them that they should be forced to live primarily with a person who behaves as she does. Her own children will always come second to her.

Not sure what I'm going to do next. I feel like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill, but every time it rolls back down the hill gets bigger.