What do I do now?

WartimeDad · 2021-08-05T12:06:27+00:00

It’s very clear to me that she has you all sorts of mixed up. Because of my “anger management issues,” or “I’m a shitty person once you get to know me.”

Dude get your head right. This self blame or whatever this, it is nonsense. Picture yourself as the person you want to be, and take action to be that person. Don’t picture yourself as this loser you’re describing, because then you’ll be that loser.

Exercise. Be a dad. Don’t worry about dating.

playerknowmore · 2021-08-05T22:45:46+00:00

You aren't going to get a pity party. If you don't like yourself change yourself. You already lost a wife; do it for your child, and yourself. Do it because you can't stand to lose anymore.

I'm in therapy for PTSD twice a month. Honestly I never knew I had it. But when my wife tired of the road rage and other outburst she talked me into it. My therapist broke down my symptoms, and my medications are changed every three months or not to keep me stable. I have exercises to maintain calm. Since therapy I have been promoted twice, and will retire at sixty comfortably. It's okay if your wife gave up on you, or couldn't take no more. You don't have that luxury. Today is the day that you decide "What you want to do with your one wild and precious life!" Good luck!

sicrm · 2021-08-05T06:56:29+00:00

getting back into the dating scene, etc.

the dating scene should be the last of your worries right now.

start with working on your anger. find an outlet or a better way to manage it. mediate if you don’t already. if you have an outburst now you’ll lose time with your daughter.

SeanLU21 · 2021-08-05T12:29:14+00:00

I think you need to talk to a professional . Change can be quick , maybe you need medication or even just to talk to someone to sort yourself out . I use an app called zocdocs where I facetime a therapist. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but I sign of strength . If your concerned about your daughters views of you your going to have to change the way you view yourself . Like I said maybe it's a chemical imbalance , I'm not a doctor but at least no one would be able to say you didn't seek the change you wanted to see in yourself.

Prophecy_Germany · 2021-08-06T09:54:36+00:00

I felt the same way after the seperation because my ex-wife talked me into it. Being a lousy father, being a lousy husband, being abusive, being a cheap person and this that the other.

talking to my daughter she tells me I am great father, I never let her down and all the good menories she has about undertaking she has with me
then why in the first place did she spend 22 years with me? Must have been a true horror trip
I never ever laid hand on her, not once. If disagreeing is abusive than I am guilty... sort of
I do not buy anything not needed and I do not replace something which is in good working order and I do not throw money out the window for fancy vacations so she can brag about it on social media

I thought about myself being the worst person since Satan appeared in the Bible. Now after being divorced for 4 years I see myself in completely diferrent light. I actually reversed to my to my old I and damn it feels good. We are all a bit of a bastard but if someone tells me that I am a horrible person and I have to change for the greater good of humanity, I know that something fishy is going on.

Having said that, I learned that it takes some years to heal, I learned that getting a therapy is nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe not everything will heal completly but the wounds will close and the scar will remind you to be more careful of yourself.

pegleg_legal · 2021-08-06T02:33:10+00:00

You haven't said anything that makes me believe you are a shitty person. Do you have bad morals? Are you a psychopath/sociopath? Do you lie, cheat and steal? Do you intentionally try to make people feel bad (besides yourself) with unfair criticisms? Do you have substance abuse problems that prevent you from providing a stable environment for your kid and are unwilling to acknowledge and work on them? Do you not provide money or other material support for your family? Are you physically violent toward anyone?

You said you love your kid and they're the world to you. Which is totally the opposite from being a shitty person.

I imagine you're just pretty damn low on the Agreeableness Factor of the Five Factor Personality model - the Big Five.

https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/IPIP-BFFM/

extraversion
agreeableness
openness
conscientiousness
neuroticism

We all have a baseline for these five factors and can modify our behaviors to some extent but we are who we are and "shitty person" is not one of the five factors.

But back to your question instead of fighting your premise - I think you'll find, like I found, that your family's perception of you (for me it is my immediate family) is skewed way worse than the general population of the people you meet. Only one way to find out. And if your experience ends up being the same with outsiders - well, then you gotta decide whether you want to investigate and change.

One thing is for sure - kicking yourself ain't gonna do nothing good for you.

hhhhunterrrr · 2021-08-06T04:23:05+00:00

The Book of Forgiving by Desmund Tutu....buy it and read it.

Title	What do I do now?
Author	askingforafreddit
Upvotes	3
Comments	7
Date	August 5, 2021 4:51 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/oyaft2/what_do_i_do_now/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-do-i-do-now.816315 https://theredarchive.com/post/816315

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