Going to mediation tomorrow, several more months til divorce is finalized. Seems like a clean break with no kids/no shared assets.

I’m dreading seeing her again. Because I feel bad for initiating. It got to the point where I wasn’t attracted to her anymore(obesity and negative personality) and we had personality clashes. Also lost our only child(39 wks) which we fought over. Therapy didn’t fix anything. She threatened me with divorce all of the time. I tried to give it a go one more time, getting back together with her one last time, but it felt like reentering prison.

I am a mess right now. I’m 33 turning 34 in a few months. I have a great career, very fit, educated, no debt. But I have zero confidence. I’m short 5’6 and feel generally ugly. I am building an outgoing persona though.

Its horrible because it is coming in waves, especially worst at night. And its three things hitting me equally: I lost my daughter, my wife, and i’m going to die alone. I’m renting a room now with no sense of direction and no idea where I’m going. I just keep extending the reservation because I have no clue as to where I’m going or coming. Somehow I’m still keeping it together at work. I’m just not seeing any point to my life anymore. I have a life without purpose.

I see the women that are out there and think wtf have i done? I’m struggling not to go back to the wife, but I know it will bite me again like it did last time.

I feel like I will never measure up. Never be tall enough, handsome enough, have enough travel, enough money. I live in an area where people are sarcastic bleeding hearts that are status/money/and career driven and it makes me feel even more alone. I’m applying for jobs elsewhere to a city more humble where I might have a chance at starting a family again.

I just feel like offing myself but I can’t do it. Im just fucking done. I just wish I had a kid from the marriage because i feel like a failure and am alone.

I run 6 miles a day, in the best shape of my life, ripped af, and am as sociable as ever and find that I’m making friends easily. However, I feel like at this point i’m just polishing a turd and I’ll never meet expectations.