The background... My stbxw and I are both 41, no kids, married 11 years together together 12. A couple of years ago we dipped our toes in some ethical non monogamy, the idea was put in my head by a fantasy of hers, but I was down for a limited bit, things didn't get too far before she wanted to stop, so we stopped. I was good with that being the end of it even though my libido far outpaces hers. We did talk about it a bit though after, and I guess she got the idea in her head that I was never gonna be satisfied with her, and in her mind the only way things were going to work out long term was if she became ok with being poly.

So she went on a dating app, she didn't tell me, but she also didn't keep it a secret. She wanted to start seeing someone, more background, I don't like going out and doing stuff, and for a long time I was depressed and really didn't wanna go out, so she wanted to go out. For her it was more about going out and doing stuff, for me it was more about sex and kinks. Truth is I didn't like her going out, but she was so happy having fun, and we started having a lot more sex, so I tried to be ok with it, but she falling for the guy. After a few weeks I decided to try reconnecting with the woman I had previously seen, and my wife outwardly ok with it, at least as much as I was ok with her dating. I briefly went out with another woman as well, who she was also ok with, I was trying to help her feel as secure as possible with who I was going out with, and not picking anyone particularly threatening.

I didn't realize it at the time, but the woman I was seeing wasn't really wanting to be poly, she just kinda accepted that most guys didn't want to be exclusive with her, and she found little ways to put a wedge between my wife and I. Wife and I went to couples therapy, and my wife wanted to stop all of it, but I was angry she had started it and had a head start on me and now she wanted me to stop after she had some fun, and I didn't want to hurt the woman I was with again, I went from people pleasing my wife to people pleasing my girl friend.

Marriage continued to break down, eventually found my wife talking to another guy online, she was spiraling inwardly and outwardly and clinging to anything and anyone and that guy was clearly taking advantage of her emotional state. Her actual boyfriend is a good guy though.

Lawyers got involved, divorce filed, I moved out with court orders and all that mess. A month out my some anger settles, my wife and I start seeing each other in every sense, I break up with my girlfriend, it sounded like she was ready to breakup with her boyfriend, he had just moved in a week prior and things were not going well, to complicate things he needs to live there for his new job (which is now where she works) because he doesn't drive. This is the first full time job she has had since we started dating, I have been supporting her the entire marriage, she has had a few brief part time jobs, and tried some hobby craft businesses, but nothing significant.

She had said she just needed to figure out how to end things with him without screwing him over, but after a week or two she changed her tune to "I love both of you and I have to decide between you", she has been with him about 7 months now, and she cried to him constantly about me. I spiraled myself and went on a rant about how she used me and didn't love me the entire time, because that was how I felt at the time. I also exposed her messages with the other guy (the one behind both my back and her boyfriends back) to her family, I discovered them the morning of Christmas Eve, and wanted them to know exactly why I wouldn't be there, they knew about our open relationship.

Its been 4 weeks since we started seeing each other again, she is still living in our house with her boyfriend, she says she told him that she is trying to decide between us. We have been separated for 61 days now. In our state the divorce can move forward at 90 days. I told her if she wants to reconcile and stay married, she needs to end her relationship with him and go no contact, which obviously means he has to move out, and she has to keep working full time from now until we retire, if things go well at 55 or shortly after. She is also considering having neither of us.

If we do divorce, it would mean selling the house and splitting my 401k, its a significant sum and we have a lot of equity in the house. Everything is considered a marital asset for equitable distribution. I offered her that we could negotiate for her to keep the house in exchange for a smaller portion of my retirement. The house is a lot cheaper than anything she could rent, and she would probably be able to cash out a portion of the retirement money she gets with the qdro in order to pay off the remainder of the house if she cannot refinance the remainder or get the bank to let her assume the loan.

I expect to get a lot of shit for this, by all means fire away. I love my wife and I see a good life together if we stay together. I have been making a lot of changes, even before we opened our relationship I was working on my mental and physical health. Whether we divorce or not I am going to continue to change.