I’m looking for support. I’m deeply confused and hurt right now.

So I’ve (26 F, black) been a lurker on the redpill movement for years. I used the strategies and landed a gorgeous, rich husband (32 M, white) who I have a wonderful relationship with. Like literally the goal of the movement, I thought, was to have the sort of marriage that we have. It’s healthy, happy, and fun. My husband isn’t a redpiller, but he is a Christian man with traditional values.

I noticed there were a lot of toxic people in the red pill community, but honestly I just shrugged them off because I figured it was like any community and there are toxic people everywhere.

Well… I actually posted on the redpillwomen subreddit for the first time and let me just say uhm WOW. The level of hostility there because I have a promiscuous past and I am overweight while still having found several and eventually married a HVM was astounding and now I’m questioning the whole movement. I tried sharing hope for other redpill women who are told that just because they are overweight or used to be promiscuous that there’s no chance that they’ll find the partner of their dreams. According to the people in charge of RPW, this is wrong and goes against the movement. Very confusing to me as I thought the movement was about empowering women. But apparently women like me are worthless in their eyes and my husband must have been desperate to be with me (he wasn’t, he literally could’ve been with anyone). I’m so confused.

Can a philosophy really be correct if, let’s be real, most of the people following it are mean toxic and judgmental? I mean I’m someone who bought into it all and followed it for years and because I’m overweight (and romantically successful) I got smeared like butter against toast. Even got a three day ban.

So I guess now I’m wondering if I’ve been kidding myself. Morality is the absolute most important thing to me in life. I’d rather be shot than be a bad person. And now I’m wondering if the philosophy itself makes you a bad person or if it just attracts bad people. I hope it’s not the former, otherwise I’m in serious trouble.

What I like about the red pill was that it was about, from my perspective, finding a HVM who will treat you like a queen and treating him like a king. I thought it supported traditional values too like men leading their household and women being a helpmate. When I say HVM I mean someone who is morally upright meaning kind and righteous, someone with a good work ethic and who can be a provider, and someone who is very handsome. I liked that it taught me to date strategically to find a man like that and to know my worth. It inspired me to become a better person in the ways that I could. I just hadn’t realized that to them my worth is at 0, or even in the negatives, for things that I can’t even change. I’m overweight for medical reasons and working desperately to fix it for my health. No one mentioned race but I have a feeling that it’s part of it. I feel like a real idiot for I guess looking at the movement with rose colored glasses. I mean on one hand it worked for me, but on the other hand my gosh are the people there just awful.

I also don’t buy into the whole idea of women hitting a “wall”. It’s sexist and frankly untrue.

Stepping back, So much of the philosophy seems to be built on generalizations about society instead of real life which is messy and complicated.

I don’t know where to go from here. I thought I had a community with the redpill women, but obviously I was wrong. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Is this subreddit a good community for people like me? It seems like it would be from the bit of scrolling I did. I’m so embarrassed and feel like such a fool. I value kindness, empathy, tolerance, and I believe everyone has inherent dignity and the RP philosophy doesn’t really make room for any of that, does it?

I guess I’m just finally being honest with myself about the movement and I needed to stop lurking and actually engage to see it clearly. Or am I trippin entirely? I’m so confused.