Self Improvement was making me depressed

CommentsEdited · 2023-10-22T02:57:57+00:00

Really glad to hear you're navigating your way out, friend. I'm so often struck by how many posts here reference, directly or indirectly, a kind of compulsive/addictive quality to this content, and ideology. For many, it's clearly not just a question of what is true and/or what "works". It's all about filling a hole.

(Gonna leave the accidental, tasteless pun as-is. I've already laughed, so I'd feel hypocritical deleting it.)

I became stressed out at all the things I had to do. “Monk mode”, no fap, cold showers, no junk food, try to start a business to make money, get clout on social media, train constantly, stop being shy, don’t watch tiktok or Netflix, increase my “body count”, and ditch all your friends that aren’t into self improvement.

It's great to build healthy habits*, because habituation makes it easier to do a good thing even when you're not feeling motivated. But it's all upside down and broken if your fundamental motivation isn't self-love, but self-hate. Then even a "healthy" habit becomes a form of self punishment instead. Instead of enjoying the benefits of treating yourself like a person who deserves to be healthy, you end up the victim of "never enough" / "I'm a piece of shit". Your body might harden, but your heart goes to hell.

I’ve realized that women don’t look for the perfect man. They look for somebody they can connect and relate too. A real person. The gurus treat women like a carrot dangling over your head. Like do all this stuff and you’ll get the girl. And if you don’t she won’t respect you as a man.

You know what's wild about all this shit advice about being "alpha" and "sexual market value"? They talk so much about "hard work" and sacrifice, but they're absolutely terrified of risk. In my mind, if there were any such thing as an "alpha male", it would be someone willing to open himself up to the possibilities that he may not have all the answers, he may not know exactly what he wants in a partner, and that allowing someone else to have deep and profound access to his heart — just to see what sort of future man that kind of alliance yields — might not be "safe" or even "rational", but life isn't reducible to a sheet of graph paper, and an ironclad guarantee that there's a Top 10 List of Things You Can Do To Never Get Hurt But Always Get the Best.

Red Pill positions “Alpha” to mean “a tough, unflappable stoic who gets what he wants just by breathing.” But it's really just the glorification of being a "glass cannon". Someone who shoots a good shot, but is all fragility after that. As far as Red Pill is concerned, if you get your feelings hurt, you've just learned a lesson about why feelings you didn't plan to have are for betas. Hence AWALT ("All Women Are Like That.") They're desperate for an external source of truth that confirms: "If you're mad and hurt and scared and vulnerable, it means you fucked up, believing you found an exception. AWALT, bro." That way, any man who claims otherwise, who doesn't believe women are a monolith, isn't "strong", or a "risk taker", or "emotionally intelligent". He's just a sucker. He has to be. Because the alternative is that "red pilled alphas" are cowards, afraid of a woman's mere shadow.

SMV and “alpha frame” are all about doubling down on the worst, most toxic fiction we (men and women) tell ourselves about dating:

I am already a perfect match for someone out there, whose biggest problem is not knowing I exist. I don’t have a “product” problem. I have a marketing problem. So I need to become “as me as I can possibly be” — richer, healthier, louder, more publicly praiseworthy and visibly desired, so I can choose my mate(s) the way God intended: swiping right and fucking them until they bore me.

And when they call you out on that? CRASH. The glass cannon shatters. Because you’re only impressive when you shoot your shot. After that, you’ve got nothing left but fragility.

*Nofap is not an example of a healthy habit.

luridlurker · 2023-10-22T06:18:05+00:00

I’ve realized that women don’t look for the perfect man. They look for somebody they can connect and relate too. A real person. The gurus treat women like a carrot dangling over your head. Like do all this stuff and you’ll get the girl. And if you don’t she won’t respect you as a man.

Well said.

RP is solving a manufactured problem with a made up solution. That's not to say men aren't facing very real issues... just that RP doesn't ask the right questions or have any answers.

xsiberianprince · 2023-10-22T15:58:15+00:00

I wasted 5 years reading self improvement books and watching videos as well bro. I got worse than when I started because self improvement is such a nebulous thing. You feel like it's never good enough, because money, fitness, and "getting better" do not necessarily have a starting point or ending point. Remember that to make a living, self help gurus have to exploit the pain points of men and market the solution. That's how they make their money.

I'm living my life now day to day on spontaneous erratic mode where I just do things at the spur of the moment and I feel so much better, and my life is actually exciting. It's a weird thing at least in my experience when you put less effort, the things you want come faster. I don't get it, but yeah lol

spiraldinosaur · 2023-10-22T11:38:33+00:00

This is nicely put.

I really think there's a lot of understanding about "self improvement", and many people defend a lot of red pill stuff saying "it's just about self improvement."

It's not about that at all. It's about imposing an unrealistic and unhealthy expectation upon yourself that is entirely detached from reality and society. And indeed, it's a marketing ploy to pull you into a cult so that you'll give them your money. When your friends tell you it's unhealthy and wrong, cut them out of your life. If you're not working towards who WE are, then you'll be disrespected. Now pay us $5000 for our course. It's nonsense and it's totally wrong.

There is some value in "self improvement", but the key word is "self". It's about identifying what you need in your life to be happy, and not about climbing some imaginary social ladder. Many people who fall into red pill content do need to improve their lives somewhat. But they'll overlook that just having a steady job is fine, you don't need to be some dropshipping millionaire or whatever. They'll fail to understand that going to the gym or working out a few times a week will do wonders for your physical and mental health - you don't need to turn into some kinda beefcake. They won't see that you don't need some $3m pent house and a Bugatti to prove your worth; just moving out of your parents' house and into a shared apartment with some friends is totally fine.

I think it's better to focus not on "self improvement" but self care. What do you need to take care of yourself right now? What can you do to make your situation better? How are you actually taking care of your life, your body, your emotions, your mental health? These are all just really basic adult responsibilities, and honestly just having a bit of a grip on them so that you can live a normal, every day life, is absolutely plenty.

I'd honestly say that someone who is content with having just enough is always going to be more appealing to other people than someone who is constantly unhappy no matter how much they have. Especially someone who cuts people out of their life because they're getting in the way of getting what they want. I mean, ever heard of compassion?

lilycamilly · 2023-10-22T13:37:31+00:00

I'm sorry you've gone through such a shitty time, but I'm really glad to hear you've woken up to so much of the bullshit young men are fed on the internet these days. You are valuable, no matter how much time you spend at the gym or how much money you make or how many women you sleep with.

Jingle-man · 2023-10-22T13:40:00+00:00

try to start a business to make money, get clout on social media

Doesn't sound very "monk-mode" to me. Sounds like the epitome of vain materialism. Which is a shame, because I think a touch of spirituality would do red-pillers some good.

ZenSawaki · 2023-10-22T13:56:38+00:00

Self-improvement makes you depressed because it's rooted in a sense that there is something inherently wrong with you, that being you is wrong, that you NEED to change. No happy person follows any sort of self-improvement.

EDIT: As a Buddhist, "monk mode" is just terrible cringe, LOL. If you want to live like a monk then become an actual monk instead of larping as one. There is also nothing to be attained from living like that. Buddhist monks renounce worldly pleasure and posessions in order to dedicate their lives to the attainment of Awakening, not in order to be more "successful" or whatever crap they want to get. They are just depriving themselves from harmless pleausres only to feel superior. It's pretty pathetic.

squirrelscrush · 2023-10-24T19:18:11+00:00

This post is literally 17 year old me!

Electronic-Grade-498 · 2023-10-25T11:08:45+00:00

I'm so glad you came to realize how horrible that rabbit hole was.

These self-improvement "gurus" and the community at large really made me hate and feel ashamed of being a man and just hate masculinity because I had a friend I know be completely sucked into it.

He currently has the very same mindset as these self-Improvement guys and it's absolutely fucking miserable.

It sucks too, because he used to be a very charming, likeable, and relatable guy, but now he's completely unrecognizable and feel absolutely no empathy coming from him, not to mention how he demonizes videogames and media, claiming that was his "Beta Phase" and claiming how he's a masculine man while everyone else around him is a pussy and all he cares about now is going to the gym and making it big and self-improvement is his whole personality.

I haven't trusted him to talk about my feelings to him since if I didn't want him to start sticking a bunch of bullshit self-improvement rethoric down my throat.

These guys completely brainwashed him into someone completely unrecognizable.

I really hope one day this whole trend dies, because I'm sick of seeing this kind of thing everywhere.

Title	Self Improvement was making me depressed
Author	xis21
Upvotes	36
Comments	17
Date	October 22, 2023 2:09 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/17diofu/self_improvement_was_making_me_depressed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/self-improvement-was-making-me-depressed.1235983 https://theredarchive.com/post/1235983

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