Am I wrong to be thinking about leaving my boyfriend of 4 years because of his low status job?

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-04-18T15:33:45+00:00

For what it's worth, some people with master's degrees and PhD's do not see that high of a salary, even if their careers are "high brow"/actively help others/better the world. Saying this for the ladies who lurk here in those fields who may feel some offense...

That being said, you can dump anyone at any time for any reason. You are not obliged to date anyone and your choices are valid. There is no standard-shaming here, and you need do what makes you happy, full stop. Only you know what is best for you.

Some questions to ask yourself if you need time to decide: What makes you unhappy about his career in particular? Is there a culture clash between your families? Does he lack manners at get-togethers? Have your friends made denigrating comments to you? Does he put down what you and your friends do? Are there other things you are unhappy with?

You could do a pros and cons list, but IMO those usually point to a doomed relationship. I notice sometimes ladies in an unhappy relationship pick a "smaller" relationship issue because they haven't yet articulated the bigger issue (e.g. "he eats my food" versus the global "he disrespects me in every way"). I have literally no clue if that applies to you.

I think diving deep into the things that make you uncomfortable can be helpful regardless of what you decide. Best of luck <3

riseaboveagain · 2020-04-18T14:53:51+00:00

Only you can make that decision. Is he an excellent man in all other respects? Is he hardworking, positive, honest?

My friend’s husband is a plumber and he’s an all-around wonderful person. My nephew is a trash truck mechanic supervisor and a fantastic dad and husband, I’d call him an HVM any day.

It’s up to you. If he treats you well, that’s the most important thing. However, if this is something that will bother you long-term, move on.

TheOGJammies · 2020-04-18T14:48:23+00:00

We’re never going to tell you you’re wrong for wanting better for yourself, so no.

It seems like you’ve outgrown him and your feelings now will be the feelings you will carry into a marriage, which is not a good foot to start on.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-04-18T15:06:44+00:00

Some people are just comfortable with their jobs and lack ambition. I personally need a low stress job that keeps me very busy. I accomplish a lot and the work day flies by. I make a little less than your bf, but my career is something I can be proud to tell people. I could move up, but it brings so much extra stress that I don't want in my life. I see it every day in my coworkers. My ex husband's new wife makes less than half of what I make, but also has a job she can be proud of. It obviously bothers him that she has no ambition to move up in her career because he weirdly brought it up to me. Maybe she stays for the same reason. Comfort and lack of ambition.

If it bothers you, you are entitled to these feelings. If you stay with him you will likely get more resentful and that's not how a relationship should feel. We all have goals and needs in life and you shouldn't feel bad that you've outgrown this relationship.

radical__daphne · 2020-04-18T16:28:06+00:00

If you're not happy dump him and move on to someone else.

Now in the dinner party situation, are you only embarrassed to say what his career/job is, or are you also embarrassed with his lack of intelligent conversation? I'm not sure it really matters either way but it's something to think about.

finance_lady · 2020-04-18T15:56:09+00:00

I have a master's degree and I don't make anywhere near $78,000 per year (as a woman). My most recent ex made $50,000/year and he was a HVM but he got cold feet about moving forward toward getting engaged and broke up with me. He had an associate's degree, and was still in an entry-level role in his early 40's. It didn't matter to me because he aligned with my values and treated me like gold up until we broke up & there were other factors other than lack of ambition that placed him in the role he had at his company. Some people just don't want to move up and manage other people. I mean, the higher up the food chain you go in a company, it gets more and more political as well. It can also negatively impact work-life balance. Not everyone wants to deal with those things, so they'd rather stay in a lower position. I was never once embarrassed bringing him around my friends and family and never compared him to the achievements of other people's boyfriends or husbands because he behaved like he had class and was very polite, good at conversation, and confident.

My ex-husband, on the other hand, was a disaster. He only had a high school diploma, and he was mortifying and embarrassing if I brought him around my educated friends. He had no class and was/acted like complete white trash 100% of the time. I married him because I was a Pickmeisha back in 2012. Obviously, it didn't last long.

Also, in kind of an opposite scenario, a girl I was friends with in college earned a 4-year degree, then turned around and has worked in the landscaping industry for the last 15 years because that's what she likes to do. Not in management, but as front line grass mowing, mulching, and all that stuff employee. Her husband is a six-figure graduate degree professional and he's certainly not worried about what the managing partners at his job think of her.

I would not mind dating a blue-collar tradesman, either. Union tradesmen I know make six figures per year with all the overtime.

I think you should re-evaluate and take a step back. If you always worry about what your friends think, you'll never be truly happy. There is way more to a person/relationship than his or her job title. I think what might be bothering you is behavior and not necessarily the job. Maybe he's like my ex-husband and just doesn't realize how to act in different social settings? Does he seem like he's not confident around people who are more white-collar?

Just make sure that you're making a decision based on you and not on other people.

AyemHerself · 2020-04-18T16:24:35+00:00

Don't base a decision on what your friends might think. Besides, if they can accept you working at a grocery store, they should have no problem with your partner's profession.

TravelingSula · 2020-04-18T15:14:32+00:00

1) Does it bothers you even when you are not around your friends who are dating more successful men? If it doesn't bother you when you are alone , daily basis it might not be that important.

2) He lacks ambition in every other aspect? Without trying to justifying him (don't allow your feelings to get in the way) for example: he's not looking to grow professionally but he reads all the time and his culture is improving so much that talking with him is just delightful; or he is passionate about idk, carpentry and your house (I'm guessing you live together) now is totally breathtaking. Things like that , you know? People with no passions are boring.

3) Last but not least. If he stays the same, eventually you will be doing more money than him. Is that going to be a problem for you?

Title	Am I wrong to be thinking about leaving my boyfriend of 4 years because of his low status job?
Author	rigsandworks
Upvotes	2
Comments	9
Date	April 18, 2020 6:37 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g3j1ny/am_i_wrong_to_be_thinking_about_leaving_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/am-i-wrong-to-be-thinking-about-leaving-my.678113 https://theredarchive.com/post/678113

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