are these doubts normal?

Lizard301 · 2020-05-09T22:45:04+00:00

1, you're not a narcissist. If you were, you either wouldn't be asking or wouldn't care if you were.

2, We want to have that back and forth engagement with our partners, in and out of the bedroom. He is clearly not on your level, and you're missing that. There's nothing wrong with that. Your relationship lacks spark. I think if counseling doesn't work, it's quite possible that you two have grown apart and are just two different people now. It happens. You did nothing wrong. The question is, are you okay to remain in this marriage, or are you ready to risk having what you really want?

Women are prone to falling victim to the sink cost fallacy, where you think the amount of time and energy you've already invested means you now have to stay because "he could change." Nobody wants to scrap a relationship that's lasted for years, because who knows what else is out there? I would suggest therapy for yourself to explore your feelings further, because there is obviously a lot to unwrap here.

Good luck, OP. Hope you find some answers.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-05-09T22:35:38+00:00

Your feelings are valid. I look back at my marriage with my ex husband and it was on such a superficial level. He preferred to keep topics light and about himself, I was always secretive. It resulted in a stagnant marriage, no growth for US, just personal growth. I used to feel very lonely when I was married. He didn’t know my secrets and he didn’t know my dreams. A lot of times I felt like we weren’t compatible, but he was a good friend and we got along in the day to day sense.

But I couldn’t continue with it....I left because he cheated, amongst other things, but I do sometimes feel sad about it. It’s been almost three years. I feel sad because he’s just not for me. I don’t feel any romantic thoughts, I remember there was a time I loved him so much but I just couldn’t do it. I honestly hope he finds someone and is happy.

dragonsanddinosawers · 2020-05-09T22:32:00+00:00

I settled into a relationship with the wrong person for about 10 years. I was young and never paid much attention to before the start so I had 0 relationship experience. I was happy at first and thought I was in love. I went to college and was starting my career while he just stagnated. Years in, some pretty big lies came out, but it was always easier for me to stick around than to completely uproot my entire adult life. I stayed around long enough for it to become abusive.

The longer I've been away the more evident it becomes that the whole thing was always wrong. Now I am lucky enough to be with someone who made me realize that I can make my own happiness a priority without being a horrible person for it, and is happy to make the effort to keep me happy.

I can't stop regretting not leaving sooner, but I know I probably wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't reached a point where I was miserable enough to almost accidentally reach out for help, and suddenly have happiness thrust into my life in such a stark contrast. I've grown so much more in the last two years with a loving, supportive person than I ever did in ten years of being with someone just happy to profit from my successes.

Anyway - it doesn't sound like your relationship is as dark as mine. But I thoroughly believe that you need to feel happy, and you need to feel like a partner in your relationship instead of always being the one giving 100% while someone else just benefits from the fact that you are too settled to leave.

I believe everyone on Reddit is too quick with the advice to leave relationships. But it's worth reflection.

pallta · 2020-05-09T22:55:19+00:00

I felt like I dated this sort of guy and fell into this similar dynamic. I felt alone and unnoticed, as though he was just going along with it because....? I think it was in large part a personality and maturity mismatch. He was a great person on many levels, but we never connected on any emotional level. Similarly, I noticed I had to take the next steps in the relationship. At first, it felt safe because I felt in control, then I realized how one-sided the relationship was. He was also pretty submissive (yet would get passive aggressive if we didn’t do something he wanted) and that mind fuck really tired me out. If I were you, I’d leave. It seems like you have been thinking about every reason why you feel so alone. Sometimes it’s actually really simple. Also, I don’t think you’re a narcissist. You deserve to be happy.

heliodrome · 2020-05-09T23:24:25+00:00

I think that settling into a roommate/ sibling relationship is very common in a marriage. When did the settling start to happen for you? Was there an event that happened that changed your feelings, or was it gradual? How long did you know your husband before you moved in together and how long since you have these feelings? Most marriages are not butterflies all day long. Most marriages are like your's. That is a normal marriage. I would first really introspect what I expect from a spouse for yourself. I also think people, who say that your spouse is not the be all end all, are right. That is the past people maintained their community relationships and friendships throughout the marriage, and now we kind of expect to get all of it from the spouse. It's unrealistic. I would give it a shot in terms of doing a list of things you appreciate about your husband and marriage and that are "positives" and see if those align with your goals in any way at all. And if they don't and it's obvious that there are many more grievances, I would separate.

ogminxx · 2020-05-10T07:52:55+00:00

If its not a HELL YES, its a HELL NO

Jamaylay · 2020-05-09T22:37:22+00:00

I just got out of an almost 8 year relationship in November. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes it feels like it happened Yesterday.
To make a long story short, they broke things off with me. We were both in denial for years.

We were absolute best friends and the best of roommates but the romance had died quite literally. I don’t know when or how but it did. I wish one of us had had the courage to break it off sooner as I realize now we both were holding each other back from REALLY living and loving. It hurt so much and I was still in denial afterwards and even sometimes now try to rationalize things but truth is, we grew apart and out hearts went else where. Do yourself a favor and leave a loveless marriage/relationship. You are having these feelings for a reason. The truth hurts but you’ll have to face the music eventually.

Rdrses · 2020-05-10T12:54:31+00:00

This is all very familiar. Are you me from the past? If its not working, its not working. As you said nothing makes it better, so why drag this out? Prepare yourself and respectfully break it off. Its a waste of time for you both

Title	are these doubts normal?
Author	crashmeifyoucan
Upvotes	15
Comments	26
Date	May 9, 2020 4:16 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ggi8hm/are_these_doubts_normal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/are-these-doubts-normal.692296 https://theredarchive.com/post/692296

Comments

1, you're not a narcissist. If you were, you either wouldn't be asking or wouldn't care if you were.