Asking How to have a healthy mindset on loneliness/dating if you’re a child of narcissistic parents ? How to fight Pickmeisha ways ?

greenappletw · 2020-02-23T08:27:10+00:00

[deleted]

butterflymeadowzz · 2020-02-23T07:27:40+00:00

Have you read “Adult children of emotionally immature parents” ? I started reading it and it makes sense. I have yet to finish it but also seeking therapy has helped me. My faith as a Christian has probably helped me more than anything. It can be such a rough road but we have to remember that we are adults and responsible for loving ourselves first and only then will we be loved by others. Good luck to you on this journey. Also, check out r/raisedbynarcissists.

timetofliptables · 2020-02-23T13:32:02+00:00

That was me. I just jumped from one man to another trying to feel happier and less lonely. I regret so much of it but I honestly didn’t know any better.

The biggest thing with narcissists when they aren’t even around is we can obsess over them. Your friend is tired of you venting? Stop venting. Seriously. I spent years of my life obsessively talking about my mom and it never helped me feel any better. None of the venting or arguing with her or trying to make her see the light ever did me any good.

I’m in my thirties now and guess what... she’s still nuts and I just stopped talking to her and it’s fabulous.

If you’re scared this will mean bottling things up, then write it down in a journal and never reread it. Tell it to God or if you don’t believe, tell it to your pillow, doesn’t matter. But don’t waste your time to have fun and bond with your friends on venting about them.

You have to cut the connection and yearning to get anything from them as best you can. They will NEVER give you what you need, so it just hurts you to complain about it or wish things were different.

Grey rock them. If you don’t know what that is read up on it.

Something else I do when I find myself over investing in other people is tell myself: “they are not responsible for my survival.” Because our bodies literally respond as if rejection is life or death, but it’s not.

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-02-23T07:20:50+00:00

So, I've been there. You likely need to do some serious self-reflection on your behaviours and what influences them. Every time a negative feeling in you is triggered you will need to do some thought on what is making you feel that way and why.

You need to start reading about emotional neglect, and how to work through it. It is very possible you need a therapist for this.

But you also need to realise that your upbringing makes you fodder for some men. There are people out there, male and female, that will prey on your desire for love and acceptance and your desire to please people.

You should also start focusing on trying to be more positive around your friends. It will help you feel better in the long-run.

And truly, do everything in your power to leave your parents' home or it will not get better. My life didn't improve until I moved out. Once you're away from all that you will begin to recognise poor behaviour in the men you date and you will be able to vet them better if you want a serious relationship with a decent man.

2340000 · 2020-02-23T14:42:49+00:00

Wow. I met my first boyfriend at 21. I was a senior in college and we dated for 5 months and the abuse I suffered was enough to zap me into reality. During the relationship I didn't know I was being abused. He even sexually assaulted me and I didn't know. I sensed something was off but in those moments all I felt was fear and distrust. When he discarded me I was still in a haze for roughly 7 months until I realized he was a narcissist and so were my parents.

OP, I'm 23 now and it has been a rollercoaster to say the least. Once I figured out I was abused I started making boundaries left and right. I stood up to my mother and for the first time I felt free. She of course denies it, but that's not my problem.

I haven't been on any dates in over a year and I'm working on loving myself. Please take each day at a time. I discover something new each week and it motivates me to work on myself. I'm planning to move states and I've got a job lined up. Sometimes we feel helpless not realizing the people surrounding us are the helpless ones. Your parents will never change. Your ex is an abuser and will never change.

I don't see my mother much during the week, so I'm starting to book hotels on the weekend to get away from her. You're not broken. Believe me you'll be okay. Although I understand, you must delete those apps.

gravedestruct1on · 2020-02-23T15:35:36+00:00

The comments on here give pretty good advice already but if you’re friend is tired of talking about it and you need an ear hit me up! I’m 21 and don’t have the funds to move out, but I can go into how I started to gain control of myself emotionally and I basically had to rewire my whole thought process from “caring about what other people think/doormat behavior” to “trusting my intuition and following my heart and not being a slave to other people’s opinions”. I’m still not where I want to be (because I haven’t moved out, I’m in my last year of college) but I’ve grown so much and have some pretty good tips if you need it(: wishing you good you strength. & please don’t get on the dating apps. When you’re going though what you’re going through you feel vulnerable, I was in your position and decided to date someone I shouldn’t have and they knew it, all because i was vulnerable and easy to impress because I just wanted love so much....now I love myself and feel genuinely okay waiting for the right man to come along.

Pleasant-Complaint · 2020-02-23T17:07:51+00:00

Seconding everyone who recommends therapy, but I know therapy is not always an option, so this is what you can do in the meantime: stop dating and find a hobby. Something creative and engrossing. Just... distract yourself, stop thinking about dating and learn how to have fun on your own. That is the first step to being fine with loneliness. Boredom is a terrible, terrible poison.

2020-02-23T18:25:20+00:00

move out, get therapy. I'm betting so much that your boundaries are compromised or even nonexistent. you are like 10000% more likely to fall into an abusive codependent situation. work on yourself, rebuild your life WITHOUT YOUR PARENTS, go no contact or low-contact for a long time while you figure out who you are as a person.

muricaxoxo · 2020-02-24T08:24:46+00:00

Hi, my mother is a narcissist and has emotionally and sometimes physically abused me my whole life. I was such a low self-esteem pick me and due to a history of sexual assault allowed men to use me and treat me like crap. With the help of my psych, I have been able to pick myself up, realise my worth and try to manage my nmum. I still have trouble with her but to have a healthy relationship you need to work on yourself first and building a solid foundation of confidence and self-esteem.

2020-02-23T13:40:04+00:00

[deleted]

FeminineImperative · 2020-02-23T15:06:33+00:00

I was also raised by narcs. I find some solice in the solidarity in the r/raisedbynarcissists , you can also PM me if you need someone to talk to to keep you off these LVMs.

Comments