To make a very long story relatively short, I'm going through a sh-tty divorce. My soon to be ex cheated on me with escorts, then would come home to me (see my post history if you want ALL the deets on his bs). I have vaginismus and was having a flare up, which he used as an excuse for his behavior ("what do you expect? When you won't feed the dog he's going to eat at the neighbors"). We'd been having severe problems since July 2019, and he finally moved out in May 2020 and the divorce is due to finalize in March 2021.

Since he's moved out, I have dated here and there, and each guy has totally burned me. To the point that when I masterbate, I just cry. I think about all the mean things my ex did and said, and how now he's got a gf and they're having a baby, I think about the one guy that was so enamored with me then suddenly ghosted, I think about the other guy that was my friend for years, then he told me how he only liked me as a sexual conquest and subsequently left me hanging.

I think Ive begun to associated sex/relationships with deep hurt. I'm also realizing that I'm beginning to hate men bc I associate them with lying, manipulation, using me sexually, selfishness.... Aka just being pigs. I can't even watch porn anymore bc I see a cock and I'm like "huh I bet that dude a total fckin asshole who lies and blah blah blah" and then I get pissed how porn is all about selish men and what they want etc etc. I even try to watch "pro woman" porn and as soon as a guy is shown I'm straight man hating... I'm definitely straight but so fed up with all the bullsht men have put me through, it's like I have no faith in them to be decent humans anymore. They come on the screen and I'm like "oh great, I wonder how many lies he's told/wow I wonder how many times he's made a woman cry or feel worthless/etc"

Literally the idea of sex and intimacy just makes me so sad and full of hate now, and I'm 2 steps away from embodying the SCUM Manifesto. Of course I know "not all men" but then I think of the phrase "not all dogs bite, but all dogs can"

So I guess I'm asking all you ladies, is this trauma? Or is this just me being bitter and it's normal? Do I need to consider therapy? Any words of encouragement are also good.