FDS as a single mother?

mamadgaf · 2021-07-17T18:35:14+00:00

I’m a single mom. I was married for 17 years and I’m now divorced with two teenagers.

What I’ve done (even before finding FDS) is make a list of the qualities I’m looking for in a partner. Some are more negotiable than others. For example, I don’t date smokers but I’m ok with an occasional cigar. This can be physical and lifestyle factors. I want someone who is taller than me, someone in decent shape, etc. Because I’m in my 40’s with kids, I only date divorced dads (this would not be recommended for a woman in her 20’s). Decide what values are important to you and write them out.

That list is one way I use to initially qualify men, kind of pass/fail to see if they move on to the next phase. You also want to read the FDS guidelines and learn to recognize red flags of LVM. If you’re doing OLD, you start to recognize LVM pretty easily (and the majority are LVM). There’s also things you can include (and intentionally not include) in your profile. I removed hiking and camping and my likes decreased significantly it they were all old fat guys who are LV anyway.

Also make a list of boundaries. For example, I don’t text or talk to a man after 10 pm. in the early stages. If a guy is texting you after 10 he’s looking for drunk sexting, and you’re better than that. I just don’t respond if it’s after 10 and wait until the next day, usually around noon (lunch break time) and I DO NOT APOLOGIZE OR EXPLAIN. I’m simply not available between 10 pm and 10 am. He doesn’t need to know why.

Also set a simple boundary with him early on. I had a guy ask me if I could talk the next day and I said no because that’s my Me Time (the time after my kids go to their dad’s, which is my down time and I’m not spending that energy on a man before I’ve even met him). See how he reacts to that. Does he respect it or try to push you to break it? If he can’t respect it, block and delete, because he won’t respect your bigger boundaries either.

I never initiate texting or communication in the beginning. I’m perfectly happy on my own, he needs to impress me enough for me to want to spend time and energy on him rather than doing what I want and hanging with my dogs. I don’t get emotionally involved while we’re in the texting phase.

As far as my kids, a man I’m dating will probably never meet them because they won’t be introduced for at least 6 months. I need to know the relationship is going somewhere before I let him meet my kids. Basically, I want to expect that the relationship is headed for marriage and have to make sure that my kids are OK with him (not that he is OK with my kids) before I spend more time and energy on him.

I do tell my kids when I have a date, but I talked to them about it and asked them how much they want to know, and they wanted to know when I date. I share 50/50 custody with their dad and I only date when I don’t have them. I don’t want to hide things from them, but they are teenagers. This approach really depends on how old your kid(s) are. If they were younger I don’t think I would tell them about it at all.

Remember, YOU are the one who needs to be impressed and YOU are the one in control. Repeat to yourself over and over: if he wanted to, he would. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth your time and effort.

Professional-Ad-457 · 2021-07-17T21:07:39+00:00

In my OLD profile I make zero mention that I have a child.

This is to stop pedophiles from targeting my profile.

But it’s important to mention before you meet for the first date IMO.

Once we start texting it comes up naturally: ‘went cycling with my son today’ or if they ask me out quickly I make sure I mention it in passing in the vetting phone call. Don’t make a big deal of it though.

In real life if a guy is chatting me up I don’t mention my son for the same reason, until they ask me on a date.

Whatever you read about guys not wanting women with kids it’s simply not true - when you get to a certain age lots of women and men have children and it is just life! My LVX did not have children and he struggled a bit with very mild jealousy and didn’t always know without experience how to relate to my son, and dads have told me when they have girlfriends without kids this can be a problem for them too.

On dates, chat often turns to children and that’s great, but I try to steer the conversation back to myself and my life and his life because the guy won’t be meeting my child for a long time even if he becomes my boyfriend.

Also - and this was soooo controversial amongst my friends for some reason - I never let my boyfriend sleep in my bed if my son was there! My boyfriend didn’t like it & my friends thought it was cruel but thank goodness since he turned into a LVX and we didn’t work out!! I want my son to only see me in bed with my next husband. No shade if other mums do it differently. I was lucky to have a spare bedroom and I’ve now moved and don’t, so this will be harder to enforce, but I want to stick to it.

sluggish_prune · 2021-07-18T01:19:01+00:00

Hi 👋🏼

Also a newbie, I love FDS. I was married to a LVM who used sex as a weapon. I am now a single Mother, well partly - he is a good and active Father. My situation is a little different from most though, I have no intention of ever being in a committed relationship again. I would still like to date though now and then. For me, the thought of being independent and single is bliss and this sub has honestly saved me mentally!

Good luck ❤️

Edit for typos

I_know_right_AS_IF · 2021-07-17T21:49:31+00:00

I had a recent experience with a relationship as a single mom. I found FDS after we had established a relationship. We're broken up now, so I have new standards and guidelines. One thing I was firm on was not meeting my 4yo right away. I wanted to establish a relationship and vet him. He kept pressuring me to meet him (he pressured me A LOT during the relationship, which I won't stand for next time). Finally after 11 months I figured it was OK, and they met with me introducing my bf as just a friend, no affection like holding hands or kissing in front of my kid. They only interacted in person a couple of times. I didn't want my son to get too attached in case something happened.

Then less than 2 months later, he showed me some ugly sides of him and I broke it off.

Definitely going to stick to my guns with waiting at least a year next time and vet more furiously. If I had found FDS before I met him, I probably wouldn't have gone through with the relationship!!

lilac-hiraeth · 2021-07-17T20:41:39+00:00

Single mom as of the very end of March this year after a 17 year relationship (9 years married, currently separated and going slower than a dying snail trying to get divorced).

I personally will not even begin to date until my kids are at least teenagers, so, a minimum of five years because of safety concerns involving unnecessary men in my children’s lives. Preferably I wouldn’t date until they all had moved out but I’m human and if I happen upon a man I feel may be a good fit I can’t say I wouldn’t consider it.

I think it’s smart to make sure you’re in a very strong and confident mental headspace and be honest with yourself about your readiness to date. Even if I didn’t have kids, I know for certain I am not ready or even close to close to ready to be in a relationship. Fall in love with yourself first so you don’t fall for manipulative moves from the wrong man.

Connect with your strong female friends and supports, rebuild your free time to focus on yourself and not filling it with someone just because you’re lonely and build new skills. If I can’t be excited about life and new experiences, if I’m putting off personal growth because I’m searching for a man, that’s a huge disservice to myself and will set me up to fail in my next relationship anyway.

My advice is to be brutally honest about your readiness, what you want in a partner, develop your boundaries before you’re in a relationship and don’t spend unwarranted energy on men just because they’re around. Men are always around, there are always options, it’s like picking up a handful of sand. If you just wanted a man, look outside and point but if you want a partner you need to value that shiny sea glass among the sand and go for that. If it hasn’t washed up on your shore, don’t settled.

Take your time, be selective and make sure they’re bringing something beneficial or walk away. Single moms don’t have the luxury of dating many men and we don’t have the luxury of time when we do meet men we want to be with, so with that in mind, don’t let men who offer nothing steal any of that time that’s so limited before the children grow and move out.

vaguelinen · 2021-07-18T17:26:06+00:00

Single mum to a now eight year old boy and I had a lot of internalised misogyny about that. Still, because I didn’t need a man I was quite picky and would only date very attractive, decent earning men. I met a great guy, made him wait to meet my son and then took things slowly. We’re now planning to move in together (I’m not convinced marriage is right for me as I’m 42 and successful) and I am nervous because it’s still scary even though he’s not given me reason to doubt him and he wants to share financial responsibility for my son (his dad is a deadbeat porn-addicted gambling loser)

For what it’s worth I totally have the body of a woman who had a rough pregnancy, breastfed for years and am now dealing with menopause (boyfriend supported me through the radical hysterectomy). But all of my life experiences and education make me damn attractive to an age appropriate man who isn’t pornsick.

The key I think is that I was ok with being alone forever so while it was pre-FDS when I was last single, I just had no time at all for all the fuckboi nonsense and blocked men so fast.

kinkardine · 2021-07-21T13:25:24+00:00

I am a widow so 24/7 parent, I decided to put off dating cause there is no way I can isolate a time for me now, I am not looking for a partner to raise my kid, rather someone to de stress and relax with but that pushed me to a unhealthy spectrum of relationships where guys would only want me as a side chick, a part of endless supply, or as a bangmom who will baby him as well beside her own kid. Can’t do that. So will wait till kiddo is 18 to have something exclusive.

My hubby loved me a lot but he also had a super unhealthy lifestyle- sedentary and lots of smoking. I am not willing to introduce any role model to my kid that will bring any lifestyle or discipline that will hamper my kid’s upbringing. We have been through a lot of change and I want a drama free childhood for my kid. I do get obsessed and head over heels if I am in a relationship so decided not to take a bite from the apple altogether. Rather would celebrate the childhood of my kid to the fullest with extracurriculars and memories, wanna make him an HVM adult. I am 33 now, by the time he is 18 I will be 45, so I would still have a lot of time to before I get old. Plus there won’t be any fear to get pregnant again.

I joined FDS to dodge the predators, I moved to a new country after hubby passed away, since I have a vulnerable socioeconomic position in my new country- I am an easy target for exploitative predators who are scoring on our, single mom’s every naivety, insecurity, loneliness and sex depriveness. Most of them are married men. FDS keeps me level headed and in line.

I have come to terms in building all other relationships rather than dating, like work, neighbour, community, kid’s friends. I make friends with people who does not pity me or my son. My friends poured their heart and soul, gathered all my pieces when my life shattered after hubby passed away. So I would rather make a good solid base of friends and support system than going after dating.

Title	FDS as a single mother?
Author	celticbutterfly
Upvotes	103
Comments	10
Date	July 17, 2021 10:26 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/om1pst/fds_as_a_single_mother/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/fds-as-a-single-mother.792897 https://theredarchive.com/post/792897

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