Finally in a relationship with HVM, but it feels like the tables have turned

2340000 · 2020-06-01T01:58:33+00:00

Jon does housework as a minimum. We don't praise Jon for housework.

But tbh OP, it doesn't sound like it's working. There shouldn't be such a dramatic decrease at 2 years. It should be getting better with time. Why should you be worrying about complacency now? You need to have a serious discussion with yourself and determine if Jon is what you really want. You've talked about marriage and you're both "willing"? All this passive language...why isn't Jon excited, overjoyed, and eager to marry you?

It's not your responsibility to restart the chase when it's HIM that's gotten complacent🤷. Not on you, sis. You cannot teach him to value you. No matter what you do. All this excessive emotional labor it would require to be elusive, go out, pull back, is unnecessary. Plus he's not perfect because he didn't pressure you or because he cooks and cleans😑. If he drops his effort now, then all he's capable of is a chase, meaning he needs to be entertained. You're not supposed to keep him entertained. He's should know how to treat valuables such as yourself.

dzgata · 2020-06-01T03:11:46+00:00

Stop initiating. Start acting like he barely exists. Focus on your interests, hobbies, family, and friends. He should’ve proposed to you by 1-2 years. He’s getting complacent. Tell him where the door is for his hasty exit if he’s not gonna put in the work.

passionatevirtuoso · 2020-06-01T04:29:22+00:00

This is one of those times where it is better to communicate AFTER a bit of success. Like once he does initiate, you might remark - gosh I was missing this so much, I wish we could do this more. And that's it.

But do not do the over long communication stuff as a first step.

So I was in your position and I brought up the lack of passion like so many people say to do.

The result was robotic bad sex where he was selfish. I tried all the "spicing up the sex life" crap.

It is not your job to stir passion in him is my first message to you.

Do not buy the lingerie/sex toys etc.

My second message is, however, it IS your job to see that the way you live your own life has laid the foundations for your original passion to exist. The rest is up to him.a

Are YOU living passionately? Are you being yourself, challenging yourself and challenging him? Is your life interesting? Are you meeting/learning about other people who challenge you, via real life or books or online?

Don't do it for him or for your sex life. Do it because this was a wake up call that you have lost yourself a bit (if that is the case).

It can be tough to feel that life passion because when I was stuck in your situation, a shitty bedroom, life seemed grey and bland. So I sympathize 100%.

So I did rediscover my own passion, and I cOmMunicated (= baaaad sex) I was back to my vibrant self. He though still was lackluster. Then I did some more gentle cOmMunication. Still bad. For a long, long time.

Then I left and it was easier to do so because I didn't get used to grey, bland me. THAT is the point I want to make.

Keeping yourself filled with passion means that you know your own needs and will not be more in a dead bedroom for years like many do. This energy may or may not spark something in your guy and it doesn't matter, do it for you.

Again, I am only pointing this out to you not as a solution. It is more of a something I noticed might be happening concurrently to your bedroom situation that calls for you to tend to your own life and do things for your own sake.

If this sparks passion in your guy, that is great. If not then you are still better off.

You are not responsible for waning passion at the end.

You could be Elizabeth Hurley and Rihanna rolled into one, and your guy could still slack off. (In fact, Hurley got cheated on and she is hot AF). And it is NOT YOUR fault.

HV guys make missteps too. The difference is that they do the emotional/mental labor to make up for it once you point it out (just pointing, not teaching).

You're doing the right thing. Please report back to us when you have made a move. Good luck!!!

TradcatAlice · 2020-06-01T02:47:46+00:00

Pull away from him.

I would suggest dumping him in normal circumstances but you're 2.5 years in and there doesn't appear to be any red flag- rather yellow flags.

IamNotAshamed- · 2020-06-01T01:02:25+00:00

You described a LVM not HVM And is he getting as much as he inputs in the relationship cause, what you described would only sow resentment on his part in the long run and grow indifferent to you.

I say dumb him. He seems to think cooking, cleaning and pursuing You would only be enough.

DoeEyedBrownSkin · 2020-06-01T01:22:29+00:00

OP, when you say he does the cooking/dishes, are you living together? It’s easy for men to become complacent when they feel they already “have you”.

In this case, (possibly) living together without marriage - which I see marriage is what you want later?

I would say go do you own thing/hobbies/friends/family away from him but I’m unsure of what the quarantine situation is over there so it’s tricky.

In a way, you need to initiate the chase again by being a little distant. Maybe.

It’s hard to chase what isn’t running.

throwawayitst · 2020-06-01T02:14:05+00:00

Focus on yourself more. Your interests, your friends. Get really involved with a project. Make him miss you a bit. When he tries to get you back, make sure it’s something worthy.

Dont make him the centre of your life. Even if hes a good man and really cares about you he needs space. Turn him down once in a while and keep him guessing

You can also ask him to initiate a bit more frequently and plan more activities but i dont rec this approach over the first one

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-06-01T14:25:46+00:00

You moved in with him before he put a ring on it. He has no more drive to go to the next level because you’ve already filled the wife position.

juliet-elia · 2020-06-01T08:59:56+00:00

So I know I might get shit for this, but you say he cares for you, it just bothers you that you're the one who always initiates. Talk to him about this. I know this "Communicate" bs is often used to go on a deadbeaten horse, but not this time.

Sometimes you get "used" to your s/o when living together for a longer period. You know what your s/o is up to because you share almost everything. And that's normal. It's just important that you two still have some separate stuff going on to keep the magic of the relationship. In the beginning everything is a mystery about your s/o and you want to know everything, but over time your get to learn everything from them, which stops the magic.

I suggest you distance yourself a bit. N O T E!!!!!!

When I say distance yourself, I mean that you should try to still have a separate life from him, your universe shouldn't evolve around him. Go out with friends more and pick up a new hobby, do something without him, but don't draw your affection or openness back from him. You can still be affectionate, try to wait for him to make the first move and talk to him if he doesn't initiate. Just be careful that you don't give him an impression that you might loose interest or even cheat (many partners draw back by not telling their s/o where they have been going etc., if that should EVER be his worry, suggest him that you two do something together next time. Usually a s/o won't think you cheat when you are honest with your answer "where were you" "oh I was out shopping with x/y, and we grabbed a coffee. I just needed to see her again..." no normal partner would have a problem with that.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-06-01T10:56:57+00:00

If I were you, I would stop initiating anything and pull away. Mentally prepare and plan to leave him. If he doesn't buck his ideas up in one or two weeks, go through with the plan you've devised.

I have been in your situation and the above is what I should have done instead of wasting years hoping things would get better. I understand there are serious feelings involved for you - leaving someone you love is obviously incredibly difficult - which is why I suggested giving him a bit of time. But not much. If he really loves you and cares he will notice and pursue you again and that spark could be reignited. But don't count on it.

You do need to prepare to leave, because it's possible the relationship just isn't working. Make a list of pros and cons. Putting pen to paper and writing it all out can really help.

Personally, I'm always going to have an exit plan going forward. Never forget who number one is and always love yourself the most.

BulbasaurBoo123 · 2020-06-02T00:41:08+00:00

Is it possible he actually has an avoidant attachment style, or is emotionally unavailable for some other reason (e.g. depression)? Sometimes intimacy/commitment issues only come to the surface after the infatuation phase of the relationship fades (usually after 18 months to two years), and the commitment stage of the relationship is front and centre.

Gaki-fan-too · 2020-06-02T04:56:37+00:00

Communicate

Novemberinthechair · 2020-06-02T09:01:22+00:00

Wait, he's HVM?

Title	Finally in a relationship with HVM, but it feels like the tables have turned
Author	Octavera
Upvotes	26
Comments	22
Date	June 1, 2020 12:11 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gua54n/finally_in_a_relationship_with_hvm_but_it_feels/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/finally-in-a-relationship-with-hvm-but-it-feels.692013 https://theredarchive.com/post/692013

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