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purasangria
[–]jayofthedeadxFDS Newbie71 points72 points73 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I'm absolutely living by this now. After my previous relationship ended, I had nowhere to go and I absolutely hated that.
Now I'm in a new relationship and looking to buy my own house and everyone's like, are you purchasing together? Nope! It's mine.
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Woot!
[–]jebemoFDS Newbie36 points37 points38 points 6 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link
I have a question ladies! It applies to one of these rules.
My recent ex is currently hanging this over my head and I think its bullshit. About a year ago I purchased my home that required a major renovation. My father who is a contractor lead the reno project, however the three of us put in the physical labor to get it done. The house was purchased by me- every single document, requirement for this unique loan, inspection, third party call or purchase was handled and coordinated by me. I paid over 30k $ and my boyfriend paid zilch. The purpose of the home was to build and grow a family TOGETHER.
I dumped him about 3 months ago because he had been hiding a heroin addiction from me for over a year. I found out 3 months prior to the final break up and at that point made him go to therapy, staged an intervention, and was piss testing him several times a week. Turns out he was faking his sobriety. Once I found out I broke things off. NOW, he still feels that I owe him for the labor put on the house!! I have paid for so much throughout our relationship, had he not fucked it up he would have had a beautiful home with no financial input or any fucking work coordinating and making it happen. He still, 3 months later, is using my shop space as storage for his shit- he comes by every weekend to work on it. Am I in the wrong here? Do I owe him money for his help a year ago?
[–]MagicAte_8FDS Disciple58 points59 points60 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
NOW, he still feels that I owe him for the labor put on the house!! Do I owe him money for his help a year ago?
NOW, he still feels that I owe him for the labor put on the house!!
Do I owe him money for his help a year ago?
No. He's an addict, and every addict turns into a manipulator. If he really wanted the fruit of his labor on that house, he would have married you and stayed sober.
is using my shop space as storage for his shit
You need to evict his shit yesterday. He's gonna bring nothing but bad news as long as he has somewhere he can go back to on your property. Why are you letting a LVM use YOUR property as free storage space?
Take all his shit and put it on the curbside, then tell him to come get it. Alert the cops before he comes over and have your dad over to make sure he doesn't try any crazy shit.
[–]jebemoFDS Newbie22 points23 points24 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
| If he really wanted the fruit of his labor on that house, he would have married you and stayed sober.
Thank you (for the validation)!! That was the plan this whole time. I was fine being the one who made that happen for us too. That mentality didnt serve me at all when it came down to it. Lesson learned.
Thank you for your reply. I will put my foot down on the shop space. It's been too much having him here weekly to deal with it, something has to change.
[–]MagicAte_8FDS Disciple17 points18 points19 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Not to mention the fact he could easily hide drugs in the shop space and then call the cops on YOU.
No officer is going to believe: "That heroin is actually my ex-boyfriend's! I had no idea it was there!"
Stay safe sis!!
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
he would have married you and stayed sober.
It's more that he would have stayed on top of his addiction and when he relapsed he would have simply told you what happened.
Which is completely understandable- heroin is one hell of a drug and manipulates people in ways that can be difficult to understand. It is also not what he did. He kept his drug habit hidden for as long as possible, and then when it finally came out he pretended to be cutting the habit until he couldn't fake it any longer.
Cutting a potent addiction is a complicated process and it's rarely a clean, direct path. That said the most fundamental rule about an addict cutting their habit is that they have to want to be sober. What is being described here is not the actions of a person who wants to be sober, it's a person who thinks about absolutely nothing besides their drug of choice, and how they'll get their next fix. They're not getting out of their addiction, they're doubling down on the damn thing even while knowing exactly how it'll end.
I understand relapsing; cutting heroin is a scary process because the withdrawal symptoms are extreme and it is pretty similar to alcoholism where it's pretty rare for someone to just quit cold turkey. The only reason to relapse and not immediately tell people you're accountable to is because you don't care about them and care more about staying on the drugs for as long as humanly possible.
[–]DallasOMalleyFDS Newbie22 points23 points24 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Some attorneys offer free initial consults. You might want to run this by one. Did you formally agree to pay him for his services back before he helped with the house?
As far as the crap he left in your shop goes, he legally have been considered your renter, so there may be a specific process you to need to follow before throwing his shit out. Again, though, this is something you'd want to discuss with an attorney.
Good luck.
[–]the-cool-hedgehogFDS Newbie24 points25 points26 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You owe him fucking nothing. Your reaction of self-doubt is a typical reaction for gaslighting, which is is in turn a typical strategy from an addict and a liar - to twist the situation and guilttrip you into getting more stuff out of you.
Charge him for all the time, stress and emotional labour you went through with his lies and bullshit and present him the debt he owes you. If he won't get off your shop space, sell his shit to cover a part of his debt to you. Let him taste his own medicine.
[–]jebemoFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thank you 🙌
[–]luna_kumaFDS Apprentice6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Legal wise look up your local tenant laws and common laws and consult an attorney, as you may have some legal obligations depending on some key details of the relationship and where you live.
Non-legal wise, if he wants to get petty: did he pay for the rent? Did he pay for your domestic labour like cooking, cleaning, etc? Do an excel spreadsheet and send that to him with an invoice of how much he owes you.
[–]purasangriaRuthless Strategist[S] 13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
No, you owe him nothing.
I'd kick him out of the shop, and go no contact. Tell him to find his own storage. Change the locks of the storage so he can't come back and steal from you. Addicts steal to support their habit.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If you didn’t have a contract for any of that then he’s outta luck. Tell him he has a week to clear his stuff out them lock him out and block him out.
[–]Ishouldbewriting83FDS Apprentice28 points29 points30 points 6 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
I agree with the sentiment of the "name on the least thing," but that can be a double-edged sword. If you break up and you want to leave, you are still on the hook for that place. I've seen too many friend have to live with exes after a break up, and absolutely hell no to doing that. I literally had to think hard about how to go about this with my husband when we decided to move in together. If I'm the only one on the lease, he could still claim squatting rights and I'd have to go through a crap ton of stuff to evict him. We decided to get a place he could afford on his own in case shit went south, so I could immediately pack up and go when I wanted to. He paid the whole deposit himself too. I made sure I had the money to get a place of my own ASAP if necessary. We didn't buy any furniture together or combine any bank accounts. Obviously, he is my husband so everything worked out great. But, it's worth considering as a way to protect yourself even if you are engaged. I'm coming from the mindset of someone who had to leave an abusive relationship before, this is why I had to think about this.
[+][deleted] 6 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]Ishouldbewriting83FDS Apprentice18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
It benefitted us both. Some scrote just messaged me saying I was selfish. My husband (boyfriend at the time) actually liked the idea too, because he also didn't want to have to live with an ex if it didn't work out. This was a trial thing for us. I left an abusive marriage with a man who rushed me into everything (love bombing) We didn't live together before we were marrried. I needed slower to feel safe. I told him I wouldn't marry a man I hadn't lived with for at least one year. He waited 3 days after the day we moved in together to pop the question, lol. I certainly feel more secure now about sharing everything. We just bought a house. :)
[+][deleted] 6 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Ishouldbewriting83FDS Apprentice7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
He definitely came at me hard with his own biases. To clarify, I did pay half the rent and utilities, just none of the deposit. We actually stayed there 3 years, giving us the ability to save for a house. I'm so damn excited for 2 bathrooms!!!
[–]Ishouldbewriting83FDS Apprentice9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Oh my, I'm a little shocked at the down vote. Could someone explain to me why this is a bad strategy I shouldn't suggest? Like I said, I understand the sentiment to want to be in the lease. It's about having a sense of control and rights to live somewhere. But, for me, I didn't feel like I would have control if I were legally tied to the same place as someone I decided I wanted to get away from. This was an issue before in my life during an abusive relationship.
[–]MagicAte_8FDS Disciple8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's all the FDS super fans 😂😂
[–]aladyinpurple0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Agree 100% with you. I agree with every other point mentioned there but I felt uneasy with the first point. I don't care about having my name on a lease. It's in my husband's name and that's fine with me. I have enough money as an emergency fund and in long term investments so if I ever needed to get out of the relationship, I can pack my bags and leave.
[–]red_lrker_0612FDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This was powerful, thank you for posting!
[–]not_your_guruFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I made the decision never to live with a man again. I have a boyfriend but we will NEVER live together, let alone share a bank account.
[–]purasangriaRuthless Strategist[S] 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm rather leaning that way as well. I'm loving living alone; I keep the house exactly as I please and it's so peaceful.
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[–]jayofthedeadxFDS Newbie71 points72 points73 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]jebemoFDS Newbie36 points37 points38 points (12 children) | Copy Link
[–]MagicAte_8FDS Disciple58 points59 points60 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]jebemoFDS Newbie22 points23 points24 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]MagicAte_8FDS Disciple17 points18 points19 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DallasOMalleyFDS Newbie22 points23 points24 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]the-cool-hedgehogFDS Newbie24 points25 points26 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]jebemoFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]luna_kumaFDS Apprentice6 points7 points8 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]purasangriaRuthless Strategist[S] 13 points14 points15 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Ishouldbewriting83FDS Apprentice28 points29 points30 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (4 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]Ishouldbewriting83FDS Apprentice18 points19 points20 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (2 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]Ishouldbewriting83FDS Apprentice7 points8 points9 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Ishouldbewriting83FDS Apprentice9 points10 points11 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]MagicAte_8FDS Disciple8 points9 points10 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]aladyinpurple0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]red_lrker_0612FDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]not_your_guruFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]purasangriaRuthless Strategist[S] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link