How do HVM behave during conflict?

jingks_ · 2022-03-23T03:24:59+00:00

My husband and I aren’t afraid to disagree with each other and I think it’s because we know our respective viewpoints will be heard. Conflict isn’t avoided; it’s embraced. We put our heads together and solve it. We’re a team. It’s us vs. the problem, not me vs. him. Conflict does not mean volatility in our case. It’s a healthy part of our dynamic.

We have had actual fights before, though. It’s never over dealbreaking stuff but it’s usually because we handle things differently — he tends to take on a lot and I get easily overwhelmed. Occasionally that hits a tipping point.

My husband never raises his voice. Ever. He never calls me names, demeans me, disrespects my opinions or viewpoints, gaslights, or dismisses me. He doesn’t stonewall me but may tell me he needs some space to cool off (and vice versa).

We both absolutely hate fighting — it wrecks both of our worlds, makes it impossible to concentrate on anything else, sometimes even makes us physically ill — and after a period of separation we’ll sit down together and just talk it out. We hear each other out.

If one of us was wrong — and this part is critical — we accept accountability for it. This is key for a HVM. He owns up to his mistakes. He will state them out loud, apologize for them, and express actionable steps he can take to do better in the future. He won’t make excuses. He won’t try to shift the blame back on to me or anyone else. He accepts responsibility, full stop. That, imo, is what really separates a HVM from a L/NVM.

Lost_Kale90 · 2022-03-23T01:22:23+00:00

* staying present and relatively calm (not reacting)

*when someone gets emotionally stirred, they will take the space they need to get into a present state

*taking eachother's issues as valid and serious

*not gaslighting, minimizing, invalidating, namecalling, switching the topics, etc.

*immediate action or steps planned out to resolve the issue, constructive

*recognition of any incompatibilities, but still no invalidating etc.

*being proactive on issues, not allowing them to get to a point of crisis

*working together, not apart

This is only if both people are behaving in HV ways. If one person doesn't, it's really hard to actually have HV conflict-resolution.

gingerwabisabi · 2022-03-23T01:11:33+00:00

Hmm. We don't argue about money or restaurants or where to live or how to deal with the challenging members of our families, so...

Well, we have argued about normal quirks of daily living habits. Research shows that some arguments are NEVER fully resolved because no two people are exactly alike. It's how you handle the recurring friction that has a lot to do with relationship quality.

At first when we moved in I was still struggling with assertiveness and speaking up for myself. He on the other hand was raised in such a way that having an argument is a relief to him and makes him feel closer to people. He is also extremely extremely good at reading my body language, so after years of me unconsciously sighing and him asking if I was mad, bored, or sad and things like that and me always being shocked that he even noticed anything, we have gotten to a place where one of us will voice a complaint, the other will say "hmm," and we'll try to work it out. I no longer feel even slightly worried about bringing up an issue, where it used to make me so anxious for days to bring up even small issues I had with someone. There are many little adjustments we've made to who does what, who has strongest preference on x and thus we do it their way, etc., over the years. Neither of us is always in a good mood, of course, and stress gets to us at times, but not as much as I expected. Things are pretty relaxed most of the time - or would be if we weren't both extremely cerebral and yet passionate worry warts about the state of the world, lol.

I'd say we're both dinged up and have done a lot of fixing on ourselves but our jagged edges match up pretty well. It's nice.

Platipus6 · 2022-03-23T09:47:47+00:00

HVM listen with the intent to understand you and glean the problem. So he can solve it, and apologize if need be. If he doesn't understand the problem, he owns up to that as well and asks for more info.

Way too many LVM I've dated are immediately shitting bricks, getting defensive and using 900 tactics to get out of trouble so you don't dump them. Or stringing you along by blaming you for their inability to understand / refusal to understand and take the blame. Making you think you need to explain it better.

There's pretty much only 3 things people can argue about.

A problem, in which case you both listen and try to solve it. Or acknowledge you/he is the problem and solve it.

A difference of opinion, in which case you both accept the other has a right to their opinion.

Someone is wrong. In which case he acknowledges it :D

If it's something like "we want to go to completely different places for vacation" there are plenty of solutions. Separate vacay, take turns going to the other, go to a 3rd location etc.

HVW go into a discussion with a clearly stated problem, suggested solution and achievable/observable goal, and make sure you get that goal which signifies the end of the conflict.

LVW just vent, ramble, or fall for an LVM's defensive tactics and leave frustrated.

eg HVW : I don't like what your mother said to me in the kitchen when we were alone. I'd like for you to have my back and tell her that she can't say yxz or else we won't be visiting again.

HVM : That was rude of her. I'll call her in my lunch hour and text you afterwards.

LVM : She would never say that. Maybe you imagined it.

LVW : your mom's a bitch. She's never seeing her grandkids again! <chaos ensues>

sunandsweat · 2022-03-23T11:39:38+00:00

I would say having the emotional intelligence to refrain from speaking and acting/reacting from emotions.

JulyParade · 2022-03-23T03:19:17+00:00

I met a woman who I thought was HVW. It turns out she has addiction and probably other issues. Her husband appears to be HVM so I wondered why he would stay. She says they communicate about difficult issues a lot. They talk about finances, health, even appearance on a regular basis! Communication is a two-way street with them.

I also notice they are both very giving people. They get each other thoughtful gifts, do things for each other, both participate in household chores and making dinner. I'm sure that cuts down on the most common conflicts.

It seems like this HVM proactively addresses issues that can lead to conflict rather than passively sitting back and doing nothing. I hope she can overcome her issues for their marriage. They seem to be one of the happiest couples I know!

victoriabowen8 · 2022-03-23T16:54:29+00:00

I think you will naturally handle conflict with your partner well if you come from a place of working together as a team and not you vs. me which I feel happens way too often. When we're in a relationship WE face problems, it is always WE and the solution is working together. That's not me saying anyone gets to avoid taking responsibility for their actions/words (when someone legit f*cks up they need to acknowledge, apologize and commit to changing their behavior going forward), I'm just saying that once an issue has been identified, assuming it is not a fire-able offense, then you need to work together with a team mindset to find a resolution that leaves both parties feeling heard and understood.

katiekat0214 · 2022-03-24T02:43:14+00:00

All of this. Jack and I rarely even disagreed, because we had so much in common, but we certainly did discuss. We heard each other and listened to each other. We asked questions. We clarified, and we came to decisions that we both liked, agreed to, felt good/right, and didn't ask either of us to make unfair sacrifices. That's what you get in a HV relationship: stability, consistency, calm. Life's going to throw you curveballs, so the primary relationship needs to be a ROCK. I just knew that we could both come to each other with absolutely anything, and we'd deal with it together. There's nothing like that feeling.

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