No matter how hard I try to emulate the classy women I see on television and media , I always relapse and end up descending into LVW territory. I've hurt so many of the people around me because of this. I'm very self destructive and don't have natural inclination to do good.

I remember when I was reading "A song of ice and fire" book series as a preteen, I related so hard to Cersei Lannister. Her character literally spoke to my soul. I was shocked at how our lives were so scarily similar as she is me and I am her.

As a backstory, I have a lot of childhood trauma and insecurities that have screwed over my brain for good. When I was about 6, my mom died of a young age from cancer and my stupid narcissistic NVM father got remarried to my step mom RIGHT AWAY. He didn't even grieve my mom's death. That caused me immense amounts of trauma because how can you just move on like that??? He got remarried a month later to my stepmom and had a kid with her, as if it was that easy to just discard the mother of your first two children. He was also abusive to my mom and completely broke her and damaged her but at least she got to die early and end her suffering. I knew from an early age, that if it was so easy for my dad to move on from my mom, he would do the same to me and my brother when he finds a better family to recreate. And what do you know...

Skip back to when I was in middle school and I noticed that my brother got all these male privileges that I couldn't get just because I was a girl. I loved my brother because we're twins but I was also very resentful and jealous towards him. I wanted to be exactly like him so I started to cut my hair like him and try to dress like him too. But still, I was seen as an inferior girl by everyone else no matter how hard I tried to act like my brother. This made me highly insecure and attention seeking to prove that i was the better twin. Eventually I stopped dressing as a boy and started to embrace my femininity and I got attention from men and women left and right. I would use everyone that I could for my own personal gains and discard them when I no longer found them useful.

Now I'm in University and i have immense amounts of depression that i spent a whole year skipping classes and staying in bed just sulking all day. I also indulge in a lot of escapism (daydreaming, reading erotic fanfics, frequently masturbating). I went to therapy to get diagnosed for depression but instead my psychiatrist said i have NPD which utterly shocked me at first but looking back into my past actions, it made a whole lot of sense. I literally got my dad's genes while ironically hating him 🤡 My therapist (i was seeking a year back) is also SUPER JUDGEMENTAL i had a feeling she was a pick-me and hated my guts. So I stopped going to therapy.

To add more salt to the wound, me and my brother have been almost completely abandoned by our dad. He lives in his home country with his new wife and kid (my half sibling) while we live in a small dorm together. At first, my dad would frequently visit us like once a month back and forth from his home country. As time went by, he hardly ever visits. It's been 8 months since he last visited and my brother got into a massive fight with him so now he's pretty much abandoned us for good. He doesn't even call us. This basically means i have no parents now.

How is someone like me, who doesn't even have any parents, ever supposed to become a HVW and find a HVM? I just feel like it's impossible given my circumstances. I'm so jealous of women who are classy HVW who are secure in themselves and come from happy stable families and find men who are also like them and they live happily ever after. It never even began for me.