How to Confront Narcissists' Lethal Weapon: Projection

shelballama · 2021-06-02T12:49:36+00:00

"I disagree" and "I don't take responsibility for that" are the two most powerful ones, IMO.

Ex. A man gets upset when your reject him: "Your standards are too high if you want a man who doesn't watch porn." "I disagree."

Also powerful and consistent on FDS; walk away and let them stew. Their own whacked sense of reality is their own problem.

I got a nastygram a few weeks ago from some loser scrote, read one insulting sentence and then logged that away. He wrote PARAGRAPHS. I didn't even deign to read it, because I don't want to deal with his emotions for him, he can sort out his own mental issues. This stranger thought I owed him my time, my energy, a debate, thought I'd listen to his insults and read his arguments AFTER INSULTING ME and assumed that I owed him a debate-- no thanks. He reeked of insecurity and incompetence, and I put up that boundary and went on with my life. I don't need his projection bs

Byeeee

beliebeigh · 2021-06-02T13:26:03+00:00

If you’ve ever had the misfortune of dating someone with narcissistic qualities, you learn that in their wild accusations, they are actually telling on themselves for their own shortcomings and wrongdoings they’ve committed against YOU. (“You’re lazy,” “I can’t trust you,” “you’re lying” “you’re too sensitive” or my own personal favorite: “YOU’RE a narcissist” blah blah blah). 🤡

GalsofWisconsin · 2021-06-02T13:37:21+00:00

This is being unfairly downvoted because of the slow start. All the useful material is in the bottom half to 1/3.

I didn’t care for the parental blurb or agree with the idea that any put down is a projection of how the abuser feels about themselves but still found a lot of value in it.

The most important point I got is that a narcissistic projection of bad traits onto us only works or sticks if we choose to accept it as apart of ourselves because we have pre-existing insecurities about it. The examples used were kinda trite and surface- intelligence and looks. Someone telling us we’re stupid or ugly only works if we already kinda believe we are/ have insecurities or a weak and ill defined self image that makes us open to that as a possibility.

More important examples not mentioned that could really take this application deeper would be someone telling you you’re crazy, unreliable in your perception of things, have poor social skills, no one likes you, are unloveable, a bad mother etc.

All of those things, are things you will only believe if you have a lingering underlying insecurity about them to start with and not strongly enough defined self esteem and self image to say No! That’s not who I am/ how I define myself and I reject that.

The Narcissists words don’t work/ cant lodge in you and become a part of your accepted self image unless they first meet and marry within you, a pre- existing insecurity that allows them a foothold.

What’s worse is that the shame from the put down can cause us to behave reactively which in turn confirms the narcissists idea that we are what he says we are. “Yep, crazy, unstable, combative, ugly, bad mother etc”

And also co-signs his supposed power to decide who we are. By arguing with it/ reacting to him we implicitly, tacitly admit that we think he has the right to make those judgments about us. By arguing about his verdict, we acknowledge and accept his power as a Judge. The reality is he has no power unless first we give it to him.

The correct way to respond is to give a firm flat, denial of the projection he’s trying to force onto you.

Make plain: -I don’t agree with that -I don’t see it that way -That’s your opinion -I don’t accept responsibility for that

That flatly denies his ability or right to decide who you are. You don’t argue or try to defend because that already validates his ability to make those judgments. Once you start arguing you’ve accepted that he has a right to even open his mouth on that and he doesn’t- you’ve empowered him by giving a certain amount of dignity and credence to his opinion. It shouldn’t even be dignified or elevated by argument.

You reject it and leave the garbage right where it belongs- on him, without absorbing any of it.

Completely chop him off at the knees, disempower him, by refusing to even engage with the narrative. You don’t argue with him, that you aren’t who he thinks you are. You flat out deny him the ability or right to define you to begin with. Whether he’s right or wrong isn’t even considered because he has no authority here, if you try to argue with him, you tacitly empower him by indirectly admitting that he does.

Here are the important paragraphs quoted:

*However, when we have low self-esteem or are sensitive about a specific issue, such as our looks or intelligence, we are susceptible to believing a projection as a fact. We introject the projection. This is because internally we agree with it. It sticks like a magnet, and we believe it’s true. Then we react to the shaming and compound our relationship problems. Doing so validates the abusers’ ideas about us and gives them authority and control. We’re sending the message that they have power over our self-esteem and the right to approve of us.

Still, you may feel baffled about what to do. When someone projects onto you, simply set a boundary. This gives the projection back to the speaker. You’re establishing a force field–an invisible wall. Say something like:

“I don’t see it that way.” “I disagree.” “I don’t take responsibility for that.” “That’s your opinion.”

It’s important not to argue or defend yourself, because that gives credence to the projector’s false reality. If the abuser persists, you can say, “We simply disagree,” and leave the conversation. The projector will have to stew in his or her own negative feelings.*

yaaasss123 · 2021-06-02T21:42:07+00:00

This is great, but I would just block and move on

Title	How to Confront Narcissists' Lethal Weapon: Projection
Author	Love_Artemis
Upvotes	82
Comments	8
Date	June 2, 2021 4:06 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nqcy9p/how_to_confront_narcissists_lethal_weapon/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-confront-narcissists-lethal-weapon.773370 https://theredarchive.com/post/773370

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