Can someone give me advice on getting over a guy? And also, tips on dealing with the relationship between femininity and self-esteem?

Some background on myself: I am a year out of a highly competitive U.S college (I graduated this most recent summer). I am working on valuing myself more, as I feel like my self-esteem has gone down in college. I consider myself a smart and attractive young woman (but I'm on the kookier side so I don't dress feminine, and it makes me feel ugly. This issue is something I'm working on). I don't like my job and I'm looking for a career change.

In my freshman year of college, I briefly dated a fellow freshman and then we did long distance over the summer, but we never called it "dating". He no longer wanted to pursue anything once sophomore year started. I was heartbroken and so upset, I would say he was my first love (which I always found silly since the relationship was not long, and mostly over technology).

Over the years, I dated other people but I would always think of him (there were however, two people, and with them I forgot all about this first guy, but it didn't work out). I think I have developed a bit of a self-esteem issue with him, because he is extremely good-looking, muscular, tall, intelligent + hardworking, was president of his fraternity + a student athlete, and will be attending medical school. I want to be like him, and/or I am attracted to guys like him (and that's the thing, I'm young, so it feels like I've never met anyone like him).

I know these might be silly things to be impressed by, but I think I have really built him up as this "perfect" person. I am doubly sad because I accidentally rejected him when he tried to reach out to me again in our sophomore year. Then he dated an underclassman, and I felt myself to be weird, unfeminine, etc. compared to her. It made me feel so much better when I would occasionally hear a rumor that he did not treat her well, and that their relationship was unhealthy.

I want to emphasize that I have such an unhealthy mental perception of him in my mind over these FOUR years, and during the last week of our senior year, we had sex. I was so drunk that I couldn't remember much of it, except me mumbling something that made him go-- "What? That was 3 years ago!" (I'm a huge lightweight and I no longer drink!!!!! :) ) This experience was kind of traumatizing.

Sooo...I need help letting go. And I don't know how to do it. I think about him a lot randomly throughout my day, and it puts me in a panic attack-like state. I think being quarantined at home is making it worse since I feel like I can't actively pursue goals or meet other men.

I would love to hear advice and any words of wisdom. I love this sub for teaching me to have respect for myself.

Also, if anyone has advice on dealing with femininity and self-esteem, I would love to hear that too! I have always been told I am tomboyish and people think I am significantly more attractive when I dress feminine. I have always felt uncomfortable in feminine clothes, but I am starting to embrace them more and more. I also hate dressing in the latest trendy millennial clothing (I love high fashion but don't have the budget for it, so I thrift for timeless and classic feminine pieces). Have people had a similar experience of "growing" their femininity and self-esteem? Would love to hear about it.

Thanks everyone!!! Felt very good to get this off my chest.