So I met this particular guy several years ago, we have a strange on and off platonic relationship and I just cannot put a finger on what he is/how I should behave around him.

  • We used to work for the same company (different departments: I was in administration, he was IT), but really started talking when we bumped into each other on Tinder

  • We have a 5 year age gap so reasonable?

  • He is well-educated, lives alone, self-reliant and also takes care of his looks very well. Has a sense for fashion and a taste for finer things. Is very social and loves all kinds of events that he has also invited me to.

  • Straight off the bat he sets us up for a proper date (dinner at a quality restaurant) and all dates after that were amazing - trying out different restaurants in the area, favourite coffee shops, shopping date, Zoo, cinema. We were even planning a “tourist-date” to go see some sights in London. Almost all (apart 2 times where we split because I offered - a bit of pick-me moment) were paid by him.

  • He was always respectful, not one vaguely inappropriate remark, no rude jokes, or prying into my life, controlling behaviour or anything like that.

  • Texted me every single day. Generally reliable communication, albeit not very emotionally open.

  • (this one I am not sure about) We dated regularly for about 6 months without even a hint of anything physical. And I mean not even a peck on the cheek or a hand around my shoulder. Nothing. He was not initiating, but I was just going with it. We are from different cultures so I thought perhaps that is the standard in his country?

  • Around the 6 month mark he starts talking about “where this is going”. But I just did not feel it. I am a sucker for romance - flowers, thoughtful confessions about feelings, some kind of physical action (holding hands?). And he just did not do any of those things, even after so much time... And I need those things to feel safe. So I told him I am not sure because it did not feel like we were moving anywhere past close friendship.

  • After this he proceeds to act a bit weird: going to several parties which is then posted online (even though he rarely posts anything on social media), hugging a waitress (his “friend”) in front of me which felt very suspicious at the time.

  • after last situation we have a heated conversation via messages where I tell him how I feel weirded out, and he acts dismissive. Ignored me for a week, before resurfacing again.

  • ever since then our communication starts to dwindle. Lockdown ensues in UK so we have not been able to meet for a year. We only speak a couple times a month and most of the time it’s him complaining about being depressed, unmotivated, having arguments with his family etc. Rarely does he seem interested in me, my family or any of my woes, past the “polite question” mark.

So amongst other things that make me dubious of him is the following:

  • when talking about relationships, he mentioned that he has not had a lot of “dating/sexual experience” (he is in his mid-thirties) because of his parents sheltering him all through his early adulthood, albeit being in 1 serious relationship (allegedly his ex cheated on him, hence why they broke up)

  • It has transpired recently in our conversation that he is a self-described kinkster who has not had a chance to “experience everything” and wants to settle down with a family only when he has “done those things until he has had enough” or “found a person who is equally as kinky and would be with him longterm, but only if this woman had no prior experience of such sort with someone else (kink-virgin???)”

  • He just seems to act like I am his psychotherapist. And with no regard to my own feelings. When I do talk about my life, if it’s my problems - his responses are dry and uninterested, and he only cares if it’s something positive/uplifting to him.

So is he just an emotionally-reserved and undecided HVM and I am just being delusional? Or is he a well-disguised LVM? Or is it something else? What do you ladies think?