Two years ago, I swiped right on Tinder to my now ex boyfriend. I normally would not have swiped right since he had a couple red flags (no bio, shirtless “exercise” pic) but I made an exception because he was cute and getting a PhD. Mistake #1.

First date was amazing, we had so much fun we went to a second location (bar). If my memory serves, I offered to pay for the drinks since he got the dinner. Don’t think he accepted, but Mistake #2.

On second date, he couldn’t find his credit card and accused me of stealing. It was somewhat understandable since I had earlier looked at his wallet/ drivers license photo. BUT he took it to the point of looking through my purse and pockets for said credit card. He was mortified by his actions and I pretty much calmed him down and said it was fine. Continued dating him after this massive red flag. For those curious, the mistrust (esp re: money) never really went away. Mistake #3.

After seeing him, no longer interested in seeing other men. Slept with him after a month, prior to exclusive talk. He asked me to be his girlfriends not too longer after, but Mistake #4.

Cue a slew of red flags that I always observed and told him how I felt. Cue him freaking out, telling me he’s never enough and can’t please me. Cue me feeling bad, doubting myself, calming him down and bottling my feelings/wants/needs. Rinse and repeat. Mistake #5.

He always deflected the topic of marriage/children, and my timeline for this. (After nearly 2 years together, I told him I wanted to be married after another THREE. More than reasonable.) Got fed up with his feet dragging and “I don’t know”s and left. BUT when he came crawling back with “I love you, I want to marry you” I took his lying ass back. Anyways. Mistake #6.

Only to be broken up with 3 months later at the onset of a global pandemic. I had left his house because I was being ignored, and when I calmly told him as much, he freaked the fuck out. Didn’t talk to me for 4 days, and I had to call HIM to find out I’m being dumped. Because we fight all the time (read: I express how my needs are unmet), he can never satisfy me (read above), and that he feels like he will need to pick up my slack if we get married (was making more than him but ok... read: insecure about ability to provide). Basically the breakup was pure, concentrated projection.

I spent some time feeling sorry for myself. Why am I not good enough for him? That question ate at me for longer than I would like to admit. Why was I not worth investing in, committing to, staying with? Sometimes I still ask myself that question. I’ll be honest, I’m still growing and I’m not perfect.

Deep down, in that intuition of mine I’ve neglected for so long, I know the answer. It has NOTHING to do with me. I could have been anyone and this would have happened. He is emotionally unavailable, avoidant attachment, afraid of commitment, etc. Reality is he would find any excuse to back out, because he isn’t ready and may never be ready.

I was an amazing girlfriend. He had a beautiful, sweet, intelligent, playful, loving, caring, soft, sexy, funny girlfriend who absolutely and undeniably adored him. He lost ME. He doesn’t realize it yet, he may never realize it. It doesn’t matter. My worth has nothing to do with him. I know who I am, and she is better without a future faker, flip flopper, 50/50, selfish, emotionally stunted LVM.

I want to thank this sub for showing me the light, allowing me to have standards without shame, cut men off when I feel disrespected, and just existing as a safe for true sisterhood. I take accountability for my mistakes and I am learning from them. I am empowered to take action in my own life, no longer suffering in my victim mentality. It is truly freeing. ❤️