I really wish I could’ve seen this thread earlier.... I didn’t know we shouldn’t tell men we’ve been in abusive relationships. A guy friend of mine that I’ve been talking to for 6 months knows basically everything about my exes ... there’s no going back now....

thisismygcaccount · 2020-04-28T02:59:30+00:00

Is this guy an actual friend, or is he one of those guys who uses "friend" to mean "woman I want to have sexual access to?"

If you're not sure, ask yourself these questions:

Does he have any women friends? Does he have any women friends that he hasn't tried to sleep with?

How does he talk about women who reject him? Does he frame them for being in the wrong for "leading him on" or say they were "crazy?" or "didn't understand him?" Does he own up for his own flaws and mistakes in these relationships?

Are relationships all you talk about with him? Is he the one who brings this stuff up? Does he try to take the conversation in a sexual direction or make a lot of innuendos?

As for my advice? Forget about him. Assuming his intentions are good (and that is a *huge* assumption), you still have your doubts. If you aren't 100% sure about taking things further with a guy, don't. Because that discomfort will linger and no dude is worth the benefit of the doubt. They rely on women being socialized to be "nice" and giving them the benefit of the doubt so they can parade the red flags right in front of you while you're looking the other away.

throwahweigh3521 · 2020-04-28T04:46:53+00:00

Hope this helps:

From my own experience I learned that it’s best to tell NOBODY about your past abusive experience. Period. End of story.

(The popular fashion for sharing sad abuse stories I’m guessing comes from reality tv and tabloid style over interest in tragedy as if there’s a hero’s journey and redemption gained from surviving abuse. I call bullshit.)

Your abuse story can and will be used against you to further harm you in ways and in situations that will surprise you and sometimes will be worse than the original abuse.

Your abuse is not who you are it’s what happened to you. Never use your abuse experiences as a means to get to know you. Abuse stories have power over you. Never give away your power.

Don’t tell coworkers, bosses, educators, friends, lovers, acquaintances and ESPECIALLY don’t trade stories with anyone who tells you their life story filled with abuse. Abuse stories are not healthy bonding mechanisms.

Moreover, people who say their abuse stories are not always looking for sympathy or understanding or healing through speaking their truth. There’s a whole lot of nefarious and bad intent behind sharing abuse stories. I’ve seen abuse stories used to control and dominate other people- imo that’s one big reason why there’s such a anti victimhood backlash nowadays.

You can tell appropriate health care professionals or social workers only after you vet them thoroughly. You can tell your story in anonymous forums. Some 12 step groups. You can journal.

But please, stop telling anyone about your abuse because as you are figuring out from this experience it really makes you feel rotten and insecure and all sorts of negative feels.

readyheartsx · 2020-04-28T03:30:07+00:00

[deleted]

brainsandb00bs · 2020-04-28T07:10:25+00:00

There is no going back but there is always room to improve moving forward.

Men literally masturbate to images of women being beat and degraded. Our emotional scars only turn them on and give them something to aspire to. All men want to top every man in your life. The thing with a negative value man is he also wants to top the negative experiences too. He wants to be the new topic of your therapy sessions going forward. They see it as a win.

mandoa_sky · 2020-04-28T08:55:53+00:00

depends if the guy is a genuinely friendly guy or not.

a genuine friendly guy will still care about you regardless.

the other kind, does not

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