In college I had a bad breakup with an abusive partner and that sent me on a trajectory into liberal feminism. It helped me for a while, and it certainly helped me move forward away from my ex. I got super into sex-positivity, BDSM, and polyamory. Having just ending my first, serious, traumatic relationship, it felt like a weight off my shoulders to have companionship and sex available to me with very little "attachment". Monogamy and attachment scared me very badly. It felt safer to keep things light. No expectations, very few standards, and always being as understanding as possible to men regardless of how their actions affected me. I was trying to be the sex-positive cool girl who just loves fucking as much as the guys, right?

Well that was when I was in college. I was 21. Since then, I've completed a degree. I've quit a degrading job that wasn't serving me. I've moved across the country successfully by myself twice. I've become totally self-employed. I pay into a retirement account. I just bought a new car. I'm working every day on improving my body and I've never looked better. In all areas of my life I've improved drastically. Night and day. But where is my sex/dating/love life? Right where it was back in college going on coffee dates, splitting the bill with men and fucking them on the first "date".

It all kind of hit my like a ton of bricks when I started reading through the posts here. I really had to have a talk with myself. How is this serving me? Am I really okay with being poly? Am I really okay not asking for a real relationship? Do I really just want sex? Am I really interested in BDSM and FWB and being the side piece to a married man who's wife doesn't fuck him any more? Or am I just afraid of having a real, grown up relationship because I'm still letting a man who abused me 7 years ago dictate how I view relationships?

In all other areas of my life, my standards have risen sky high. But I'm still not demanding what I really want in a relationship because I feel like I don't deserve it. Why? I think I worked on all other areas of my life, and neglected to really WORK on dating. I worked SO hard to have the apartment, car, body, lifestyle I have and it took time and effort. With dating, I decided to not work and settled for what's easy and attainable: men with low standards who I expect nothing from.

If you don't have expectations, it's easier to convince yourself you're not being let down. You disavow monogamy to avoid being disappointed by cheating. You consent to your partner beating you (BDSM) before they can do it without your consent. You don't expect them to treat you well so that you're less crushed when they emotionally neglect you. We all know how well this all actually works.

I had deluded myself with libfem ideas that I should be empowered and happy to trade sex, my time, my affection, for absolutely nothing in return. That a man is my equal and him being willing to hump me for 10 minutes and beat me is somehow doing ME a favor. I'm over it. I'm not going to feel bad about expecting more. I'm looking back at all the "good" men who were more than willing to use my body and give me nothing in return are garbage and are probably having a good laugh at what they got over on me. I'm ready to start valuing my body and demanding the respect I am entitled to.